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If I disappear for good, you’ll know I’m in the county jail awaiting trial for homicide!

For the second time, I decided to shed a few pounds by enduring the torture of a no-carb Diet.I had become obsessed with losing as much body fat as possible before my hiking trip in the Smokies next week. Unfortunately, with a week to go, I didn’t reach my goal. So off the carbs I go for six or seven days. I’m on day three and already getting crankier than I was after the first week of doing this shit for 14 days. Some very disturbing thoughts are entering my head – not to mention being awash in a sea of self-pity.

The dark thoughts come at me fast and furious when I’m driving.

Really? You don’t flick on your turn signal until the last second and your bitching at me for going ahead of you? Fuck you, I’d like to strangle you with a piece of piano wire!

Sure, give that little wave than means I’m too preoccupied to have the common courtesy to pay attention when I come to a four-way interception, so I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHETHER IF IT’S MY TURN OR NOT!

Then there was the redneck who I saw deliberately try to run over a squirrel. Yeah, you need to die and leave the planet in the most horrible fashion possible! (Wait a minute, that happened a day before I went on the diet. Forget that one!)

I became aware self-pity was building yesterday when I checked the long-range Weather forecast for the area to which I would be traveling – turns out, there’s a high probability of rain every damn day! Wonderful! So, I make a comment on a blog, that shall remain nameless, about how I should just stay home…and maybe stop going to the Smokies altogether. I reread it later and didn’t recognize that guy at all. I’m usually the one who laughs at all the people who complain about wet weather hiking in the Smokies, (it is a temperate rainforest, after all) priding myself on being up for any challenge the weather gods toss at me. Where the hell did that guy go? I guess disappeared the first morning I pulled the bag of hash browns from the freezer, then chucked them back in frustration.

I’m blaming it all on the no-carb diet – and that’s that. On Sunday, I will devour a large sausage pizza in less than five minutes. Perhaps I need to contact the folks who compile the Guinness World Book of Records, first. I have a feeling I could set a new record in that category.

Not to sound sexist here, but I can’t help but feel this blog is a little too feminine. You know, joking about diets and stuff? Well, I don’t mind getting in touch with my feminine side on occasion (although I do feel like it’s all a bit too much like a Cathy cartoon).


This will definitely be the last time I go on one of these ridculous diets – unless I find myself having put back on the pounds just before swimsuit season. Aaakk!




This post first appeared on No Stake In The Outcome, please read the originial post: here

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If I disappear for good, you’ll know I’m in the county jail awaiting trial for homicide!

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