I woke up today, and just did NOT want to do it, didn’t want to be awake, don’t want to go to work, and don’t want to pay bills. I just want to lie on my couch, take a Xanax, or two, and call it a day. But I don’t have any Xanax, DAMNIT, oh, wait, Richard has Xanax, no, SHIT, he’s at work, damnit, I guess I have to go to work, drug free. OH and I woke up late, so, no couch time for me, I have to bolt into the shower if I am going to get to work on time. Uniform thrown on, not even sure if I am wearing underwear, out the door I run into my car. Now, I usually do a double check to make sure I have the essentials: wallet, keys, and phone. Today I ran out of the house on auto pilot. Guess what I discover I have with me as I get into the car, as I pull out of the drive way at about 20 miles an hour. Wallet, check. Phone CHECK. BUT, for some reason, don’t ask, it just happened, I am holding the remote to the TV in my left hand. I am SO late; I just say FUCK IT, throw the remote in my glove box, lock it (?) and scurry off to work. SOMEHOW, I arrived 3 minutes early, with my remote in hand, of course.
I get inside the restaurant, and the hostess is flagging me down.
“I have this guy on the phone that can’t figure out how to get here, can you help him?”
Sure, fine, ignoring the fact that we ALL have GPS on our phones, I answer it, and hear from the other end: “Hi, this is Trainee #1 (remember, I don’t even TRY to learn your name until you have been here for at least a month) I can’t figure out how to get there, can you help me?”
NOW, this is what is going through my mind:
This is NOT trainee #1’s first day, it’s his 5th, so he’s been here before. AND, I work in an “old fashioned” restaurant, no applying online for a job, you have to come in and fill one out. So, trainee #1 has BEEN IN MY RESTAURANT AT LEAST ON 6 DIFFERENT OCCASIONS. If he can’t find it by now, he’s screwed. So I give him directions, I’m feeling generous, then find this one out. I hang up, and trainee #2 tells me, trainee #1 lives 2 BLOCKS AWAY!! Good luck trainee #1.
Now, my manager, pulls all the “seasoned” servers off to the aside to address an issue, his issue is, he says:
“I need yous all (he’s from po dunk New York, I’m gonna do my best to replicate the accent) to be more nicer to them new people, theys kinda tellin me the donts feels very welcome by some of yous, so, justs watch wanna yous saying to them new people, and be more nicer, we all goods?”
OK fine, we all agree, and run off, not totally understanding what he just said. Have older employees been rude to new people? SURE, but I’m not one of them. I wait until AFTER I learn your name, then talk shit about you after you walk away. Passive aggressive, YUP, but it works for me.
Not 10 minutes later, Po Dunk manager needs to talk to trainee #2, and here’s what he says, quite loudly, so the whole dining room can hear him,
“YO, you GIRL there, I need to talk to you.”
Nothing like making a new hire feel welcome, great job there, you Joe Pesci wanna be.
Now all three trainees are sitting down for a food class. They get food; get to taste it, etc. They need this so they can explain the food to their guests. I’m training one of them, not sure who yet, later on the floor, not looking forward to it, but if I don’t get the directionally challenged one (trainee #1), I’ll be fine. I get my first table, two hours after I clocked in, sigh.
It’s a party of 3, I give them menus, and one “lady”, without looking at the menu, looks at me with this pained expression, kinda like she’s sitting on something long and sharp rammed up her butthole, then she bellows at me, in a very rude, something up her ass kinda tone:
“I’M A VEGETARIAN; DO YOU HAVE ANY VEGETARIAN ITEMS ON THIS MENU?”
“Well,” I reply, “If you OPENED your menu you would see the section clearly marked VEGETARIAN, so that’s where you would find those items.”
I turn and walk away and return with her water with EXTRA lemons. She says,
“What does this 3 flavored pasta mean?”
“It’s pasta with 3 different flavors.” I retort. Should I have told her it was a combination of egg, carrot and eggplant pasta, yeah, maybe, but, I’m not feeling it today. She orders it anyway. I am sure she has NO idea what she just ordered, but not my problem today. Have fun with your lemon water.
Now, all 3 trainees are done with their food tasting, and it’s time for my trainee to start following me. Guess who I got? YUP, TRAINEE #1! Oh shit, ok, deep breath, I’ll give him a chance. They left their food tasting table with ALL their dirty dishes on it. I inquire, in a stern voice,
“Were you 3 planning on cleaning that table up? Or did you think the dish fairy was going to appear and take care of that for you all?”
They look at me blankly for a moment, and then trainee #3 cleans the table up single handedly. She will most likely make it through training.
Now trainee #1 joins me. I ask if he has any questions about anything so far (my normal question) and this dumb ass looks at me and asks,
“Do you know if any FAGS work here? They make me uncomfortable.”
“Fags?” I ask back.
“Well, you’re a waiter, in a restaurant, uhhhmmmm, YEAH; you may run into a fag or two.”
“I don’t know how I feel about that.” He replies. I drag him over to another server, a friend of mine, who happens to be heterosexual, and say to him,
“Sorry, can I ask you a question?” I have trainee #1 right behind me.
“Sure Josh, what do you need?” he replies.
“Well, have you ever sucked a dick in your life?”
My friend is stunned for about 2 seconds, then recovers, and says,
“No, but I don’t have a problem with people that engage in that activity.”
“GOOD!” I exclaim, trainee #1 is all YOURS.
I walk away, leaving trainee #1 in my straight friend’s hands, I don’t think the new guy understood anything that just went on. Oh well, he’ll be gone soon enough.
I get home, and realize my TV remote is locked in my glove box. I try to retrieve it, but I can’t get my glove box open for whatever reason. My TV doesn’t turn on without the remote; I have a spare remote, but no batteries for it. I am OVER humans today, so, I REFUSE to go to the store and get batteries for my remote. No Food Network for me tonight. I’m reading a book, and I am off tomorrow, I’ll deal with the TV after I finish my book.