Drew Magary is the fun type of renaissance man. A guy who’s down to try just about anything, tackle any thought, wrestle with wide-ranging ideas, and distill it down for our reading pleasure. The best part is he does it all without ever getting to that “I have enough expertise to be insufferable about this”-level. His writing makes you feel like you’re chatting with the smartest guy at the party, but also someone who’s just sort of fumbling through life like the rest of us.

Nowhere is this quite so much fun as when Drew covers food. His kitchen experimentation, condiment raves, and giddy firebombings of excessive rich people snacks in fancy tins are the stuff of internet-writing legend. Even when he’s woefully wrong (good mayo on a BLT is delicious), he’s funny as hell — writing with such affable authority that you hate to disagree. Plus the man is a “motherfucking Chopped champion.”

It’s a shock we haven’t had him judge our cooking battles sooner.

Though the quarantine has been generally shitty for just about everyone, Drew has made some huge moves during the lockdown. First, he published his third novel, Point B (A Teleportation Love Story) — which GQ called “easily the funniest thing we’ve read this year.” Then, last week, he was a central character in the only positive media story of the summer — when he and 18 of the 20 staffers who left Deadspin after new ownership issued a “stick to sports” mandate, announced the launch of Defector Media. The company will be owned by its writers and free to cover whatever the hell they want, with a podcast launching in August and a subsciption-based site coming in September.

Though Drew is in the thick of Defector rollout and an avowed meat-eater, he was nice enough to judge our first vegetarian contest. Read his brutal takedowns of our dishes then add your own in the comments. It’s been a rough few months, god knows we could use something funny.

— Steve Bramucci

PAST 5 RESULTS (see full results here):

Thanksgiving Showdown Rematch w/Chef Isaac Toups: 1) Zach 2) Steve 3) Vince
Christmas Movie Showdown: 1) Vince 2) Zach 3) Steve
Oscar Movie Showdown w/Binging With Babish: 1) Steve 2) Vince 3) Zach
Meatball Showdown with Chef Tyler Anderson: 1) Vince 2) Steve 3) Zach
Diner Food Showdown with George Motz: 1) Zach 2) Vince 3) Steve

CURRENT SCORE:

We’re giving three points to the winner and one to second place for each round. All votes are counted equally. As it stands, the score is:

ZACH: 45
VINCE: 44
STEVE: 36

ZACH’S FALAFEL w/ ALL THE FIXIN’S

I’m lucky enough to live in a place where I can get a stellar Falafel — made by some Lebanese dudes — for €2.50, or $2.90, one short block from my home. It’s fried to order and is completely customizable based on their sauces and fillings. So for me, making this recipe from scratch has more to do with creating a love letter to those Lebanese guys than it does with the utility of cooking.

I don’t need to cook this dish but I love it so much that I’m going to anyway.

Just to be clear, this is an exact replica of that Lebanese recipe. So if you think something’s off from how you get it in America… take it up with Lebanon?

Pita

A good falafel starts with a good pita. This is also pretty unnecessary for me to make as there are tons of great Middle Eastern bakeries all around me. Still, it’s a fun exercise in adding a notch to my bread game. And all told, making pita was easier than I anticipated.

I used this recipe from the NYTimes.

• 2 teaspoons active dry yeast
• ½ teaspoon sugar
• 35 grams whole-wheat flour (1/4 cup), preferably freshly milled
• 310 grams unbleached all-purpose flour (2 1/2 cups)
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 2 tablespoons olive oil

First, I made the sponge with whole wheat flour, sugar, water, and yeast in the mixing bowl. I let that activate for about 15 minutes before adding everything else except the oil. I put the dough attachment on my mixer and let that do its thing for about eight minutes until I had a nice ball of dough.

I took the dough out and oiled the bowl and formed a nice ball and returned it to the bowl to rise.

Once risen, I rolled the dough out into a long log and made ten balls on a floured surface. I covered those with a kitchen towel and let rest for another 20 or minutes.

I then got a skillet ready on medium-high heat and started “baking” my bread. Basically, I used a rolling pin to roll out five or six-inch disks that were about 1/4 inch thick.

They didn’t quite puff as much as I thought they would, but they did puff, which means I could open them up and stuff falafel stuff in there.

Accompaniments

There’s a lot that goes into a classic falafel and I usually order mine with “everything.” So that means I needed to make some sauces and pickles.

Garlic Paste

Garlic paste is a crucial component. It’s also surprisingly easy to make and will last a few days in the fridge.

• 6 bulbs of garlic
• 1/4 cup of olive oil
• Salt

First, I get an oven preheated to around 350F. I then chop off the tops of six whole bulbs of garlic, salt them, drizzle with olive oil, and pop in the oven until your whole kitchen smells like heaven (maybe 20 minutes).

I take them out of the oven and let them cool. I then use a toothpick to pull all the cloves out and into a food processor. I pulse the roasted garlic with the oil and a good pinch of salt. Once it’s a paste, it’s ready. I put that in a small container and place in the fridge to rest.

Chili Paste

This is basically the garlic paste but made on the stovetop and with chilis.

• 5 ounces red chilis
• 1/4 olive oil
• Salt

I roughly chop the chilis while a skillet heats up on medium heat. I add a splash of olive oil and the chilis and let them cook until they’re browned and very soft, maybe 30 minutes.

I then add the chilis to a food processor with the olive oil and a big pinch of salt and process until its a smooth paste. Next, I put that in a small container and place in the fridge to rest.

Tahini Paste

This is pretty straightforward. Slowly add freshly squeezed lemon juice to tahini. Add it too fast and it’ll clump. Trust me, I learned this the hard way and had to start over.

Pickled Raddish

This is the ultimate x-factor to any falafel. It adds crunch, depth, and a slight heat.

• 1 white radish
• 1/2 cup white vinegar
• 1/2 cup water
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 1/8 cup salt
• 1 slice of beet

Peel and slice the radish into 1/4-inch sticks with one beet stick. In a small pot, warm the rest of the ingredient until salt and sugar are completely dissolved. Just bring it to a boil and remove it from the heat. Pour over the radish in the jar. Put on the lid and store in the fridge for at least 24 hours before use.

The Rest

I’m also using:

• Tomato
• Cucumber
• Iceberg
• Fresh Mint
• Fresh Cilantro

Falafel

This is the star of the show and it does take overnight to make it right. First and foremost, do not use canned chickpeas. They’re too soft and will make for mushy falafel that will not hold together when fried. Consider yourself warned.

• 500-grams dried chickpeas
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 cup fresh parsley leaves, stems removed
• 1/2 cup fresh cilantro leaves, stems removed
• 1/4 cup fresh dill, stems removed
• 1 small yellow onion
• 6 cloves of fresh garlic
• 2 tbsp toasted sesame seeds
• 1 tbsp salt
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1 tbsp ground cumin
• 1 tbsp ground coriander
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp black pepper
• Vegetable Oil

The first step is to soak the chickpeas overnight. I add the chickpeas to a bowl and cover with water. I then stir in the baking soda, which will help add a smooth texture to the chickpeas.

I rinse the chickpeas and load them into a food processor. I then do a rough chop on an onion, the herbs, and pull out the garlic cloves from this beautiful bulb of fresh garlic.

I add everything (except the oil obviously) into the food processor.

Then I pulse the ingredients about 20 times. I then scrape down the sides and pulse again about 20 times.

You’ll know it’s done when it looks like this. There should be a very slight graininess to the falafel but it should also hold together and be uniform.

I put the falafel mix into a bowl and cover in plastic wrap. I let that set in the fridge for at least an hour to really come together flavor-wise. Don’t skip resting your falafel mix!

Now’s the time to fry. I’m using a wok filled about halfway with vegetable oil. I have nifty falafel form that I picked up in Tel Aviv a few years back that makes perfectly sized falafel balls. There’s a mechanism that you hold down while your form the ball, then you release the handle and the ball slides out.

Once the oil hits 350F, it’s ready to fry. I add in maybe six balls at a time. They take about three minutes to brown on one side and then I flip them to brown on the other side. Since I’m working in batches, I place the fried balls on a wire rack to rest while I continue frying.

I end up with about 22 or 23 falafel balls. I test one and they’re goddamn perfect. They’re full of herbal goodness, spice, and textural on point with plenty of crunch, and nice and soft inside.

Serve

Let’s build a falafel! I gently pull apart a pita so that it’s a pocket. I add in a smear of garlic paste and chili paste directly onto the bread.

I load in three falafel balls and press dow