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This Week In Posters: Spacey Erased, An Oprah In Time, And Double The Rock

Tags: impa

IMPA

This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with Ridley Scott’s All The Money In The World, which, if you’ll remember, is the movie Kevin Spacey got deleted from a month before the release. Now I have to wonder: did he also get deleted from the poster? Like did there used to be another person in this? Because right now it looks like they’re all taking pictures of a mole on Michelle Williams’ shoulder.

[all posters via IMPA]

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Why oh why did they think they needed to put a dollar bill skin on this ear? “Money” is already in the title. Did they need to drive home that the themes are about money? Just the ear would’ve been awesome on its own. Now this just looks like there’s going to be an inevitable wealth porn montage set to “Money Money Money.”

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Well, the movie is called “Another Wolf Cop,” which seems pretty straightforward. Is that a tongue coming out of his beer, or is that just supposed to be beer? And why does the beer can say “DALE?” Maybe the wolf cop is friends with Pitbull? We may never know.

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This definitely looks like a film that was shot five years ago and has been sitting on the shelf ever since.

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So it’s got the big-ass alien from Arrival, the alien handgun thingy from District 9, and an Under Siege style knife fight? Plus SKY PORTALS? I respect the hustle, I’ll say that.

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Do you need “a film by Paul Solet” and “written and directed by Paul Solet” on there? Seems excessive. Also, who is Paul Solet? I like that the names and faces are lined up, at least. And it’s better than floating heads.

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Get it? Downsizing is a movie where the people become small. That’s the beauty of a high concept: the posters pretty much design themselves.

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“He doesn’t have small dreams.” They went a little silly with these, which works. I’m frankly shocked at the lack of penis references though.

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He’s in a china shop, get it?? I like when the posters make me feel smart. I also like that the bull has a cool human haircut.

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Hmm, is the bull making a pass at me now? Is that Bull Reynolds? Were they shooting a cover for Playbull? Stop trying to recruit my kids, bull.

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Man, you can’t just give one of the hedgehogs floppy hair, that’s not how quills work. It’s like The Human Centipede guy is the only one who cares about biological accuracy anymore.

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It’s a cute bunny.

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Does the goat have a rape whistle or is it some kind of gym coach?

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Aw, man, who let the human child in here? Get out of here, kid, the animals are talking. One of these characters is going to be Josh Gad, isn’t it.

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This bull looks like he wants to be my friend. Great face, bull.

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This one is apparently called “Gnome Alone.” I can’t tell if this is an actual movie or just an attempt to make an image out of that pun. Also, why is there slime? Do gnomes make slime? I’ve just realized I don’t know much about gnomes.

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Aw goddammit. If you cut off the “Scott Cooper” part of this poster I’d be throwing money at the screen. Between this and The Promise, it’s really been a banner year for Christian Bale sporting old-timey facial hair.

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Did they not get food in their beards back then? How the hell did they eat with those? I think eating with mustache hair growing past your mouth and leaving a cigarette dangling from your mouth are the ancient knowledge I’d most like to understand.

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This is the third Hotel Transylvania movie. There are three of these. I’m so glad I don’t have kids sometimes. Most of the time.

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Pixar going the 1989 Batman route with Incredibles 2, I see. Sometimes all you need is some lens flares and the gradient tool.

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This looks dramatic as hell. I wonder what the insult was. It must’ve been really bad. You think he said some messed up stuff about that guy’s mom? Probably.

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Apparently Jumanji is now called Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle. Very important subtitle, that. I’m sure that’s what everyone will call it. “Hey kids, want to go see Jumanji?”

“…What? Never heard of it.”

Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle.”

“Ohhh, why yes, certainly father.”

Having a jock jam in your title is the kiss of death. See also: Here Comes The Boom.

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Hi, I’m The Rock. If your family-friendly movie has a budget of more than $50 million, I’m contractually required to appear in it.

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Is that fake fire? Come on, man, spring for a real torch.

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This one is called “The Leisure Seeker,” and you can tell it’s going to be arty, because the director is Italian and the poster shows the characters have a cathartic moment near water. If this was a multiplex movie, it would be Donald Sutherland and Helen Mirren’s floating heads above a close up of the Winnebago’s license plate which said “Leisure Seeker”.

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This reminds me of Burnsy’s comment section character, the horny Winnebago dad “Cross Country Heat.” He should’ve written that movie and gotten an Italian guy to direct it.

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That’s what Colin Firth looks like when he’s lost at sea. Ladies.

Yes, they switched the names just to piss me off.

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I feel like they’ve made this movie 117 times, but William Fichtner is a really good choice.

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I like that someone called it a “caviar-black comedy.” Ooh la la. “It’s a comedy as gauche as wearing white after labor day; as vulgar as a Frenchman.”

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Proud Mary has absolutely the best posters this year. Not even close. This is going to have to be twice as good as Atomic Blonde just to live up to the poster art.

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This is just the same thing in a different color, right?

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Sure, whatever. Gives me an excuse to look at it again.

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Sparks! I need more sparks! I heard The Rock and the giant CGI ape had more chemistry than The Rock/Vin Diesel. 

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It’s pretty hard to make a poster about a bad dream look cool, but I think this poster (for Slumber) managed it. That’s a cool wallpaper.

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Wait, what? No way, the Korean version is way better.

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This poster is actually for Strangers: Prey At Night. Is it part of a series? It seems like it is. Everything about this feels like it comes from an alternative universe where this is a well-known series and everyone understands this teaser.

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I’ve liked the last few Wrinkle In Time posters but this one… maybe don’t try to fit every cast member on there? And tone down the lens flares? I don’t know. This one somehow feels like a record scratch met a star wipe.



This post first appeared on Meet The Cast Of The ‘Game Of Thrones’ Porn Pa, please read the originial post: here

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This Week In Posters: Spacey Erased, An Oprah In Time, And Double The Rock

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