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Remembering The Bluth Family’s Worst Business Decisions

ive-made-a-huge-mistake

FOX

The name Bluth is practically synonymous with failure, and one of the greatest parts of Arrested Development is the hideous and hilarious fiascos that the Bluth children (and Tobias) perpetuate at every turn. Even Michael, the responsible one, has had his share of screw-ups. It is easy to dismiss their failings due to terrible parents, but a lot of this is self-inflicted. Combine having zero practical skills with over-inflated egos, and disasters are bound to occur. However, despite having the morals of pirates, these characters are still beloved and viewers ultimately want them to succeed.

While some of the Bluths’ endeavors are in earnest, their own self-interest usually wins out and they end up self-sabotaging. Either that or they are so misguided that there was no way that they can be successful. (BEES?) With season 5 coming soon, we’re surely due more terrible business ideas, but until then, let’s recall the Bluths’ greatest career fails and see what careers they might be better suited for.

Gob

Resume: Gob might take the cake for the most failed career attempts. From temporary President of The Bluth Company to Gentleman Honey Farmer, Gob has attempted a number of careers, but none so completely as being a magician.

Lowest Point: The whole magical journey, really. Gob had all of the passion, but none of the skill. Constantly struggling with the Alliance of Magicians, Gob always managed to screw up an illusion by accidentally killing doves, falling into open graves or losing control of his puppet.

Biggest Failure: Used car salesman or arms dealer due to his lack of conscience. Just don’t give him any real power — despite his braggadocio, Gob is best as a lackey. An evil lackey.

Michael

michael bluth jason batemen

Netflix

Resume: For the first three seasons, Michael is the golden boy who cleans up everyones’ messes. Sure, he often gets pulled into their schemes, but he is usually the one to pull them out. However, that all changed in season 4. After years of trying to pull The Bluth Company out of its horrible state, Michael eventually leaves his family behind to start his own thing, The Michael B. Company. However, thanks to the real estate collapse of 2006, he quickly goes under and is forced to abandon Sudden Valley.

Biggest Failure: To add insult to injury, Michael has to move into son George Michael’s dorm room.

Perfect Job: Running a nonprofit. He’s good with money, but needs a nobler goal than just filling the company coffers.

Lindsay

Resume: You would think that being a rich socialite would be the easiest “career” in the world, but Lindsay manages to fumble even that. She and Tobias are known for their philanthropic fundraisers, but the recipients of their charity grow increasingly ridiculous and most of the money raised is from The Bluth Company anyway. Lindsay tries to start a number of businesses, including “Mommy, What Will I Look Like?,” “Dip-A-Pet,” and something vague about beads, but all end in failure before they even really begin. She also has a brief stint as a spokeswoman for Cloudmir vodka, but even manages to screw that up.

Biggest Failure: At the end of season 4, Lindsay stumbles into a career in politics, running on the Republican ticket for a seat in Congress. In that she’d probably be indicted within her first 100 days in office, we’re gonna do a little forecasting here.

Perfect Job: Designing a handbag line and a spot on a Real Housewife franchise. Throwing a glass of wine and screaming in someone’s face is the job that Lindsay was born to do.

Buster

Resume: Poor, sweet Buster. With no skills, no practical training, and absolutely no people skills, Buster was never going to amount to much. A perpetual student, Buster studied things like Native American tribal ceremonies, cartography, 18th-century agrarian business and archeology. Shockingly, none of those led to a career, so Buster spends most of his time with his mother. For a brief time, he was the head of The Bluth Company, but was much better at naps than running a company.

Biggest Failure: Eventually, Lucille forces him to enlist in the Army, but Buster spends most of his time on the run to escape his obligation.

After his hand is bitten off by a seal, he is relieved from active duty. When he does re-enlist to impress his mother, he is put in charge of flying drones, but he panics and leaves when he finds out that he is actually killing people instead of just playing a game.

Perfect Job: Children’s librarian. Buster is a gentle soul, so something low-key would suit him best. Plus, there’s easy access to juice there.

Tobias

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3H8A5CgHZE

Resume: Although he’s not a Bluth by blood, Tobias is a Bluth by marriage and in spirit. Originally a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist, Tobias identified himself as an “analrapist“, which goes over about as well as you would expect. After losing his medical license, Tobias decides that his new calling is to be an actor.

Biggest Failure: Sadly for him, he is rarely able to book a gig, being ignored by the Blue Man Group and losing the role of “Frightened Inmate #2” due to his never nude status. However, the worst of his acting embarrassments has to be the terrible production of Fantastic 4: An Action Musical that he mounted, though it’s possible that the studio micro-managed the project to the point where it was destined to fail.

Perfect Job: House-husband. Let’s be real: Tobias was at his best when he was pretending to be Mrs. Featherbottom.

This is an updated version of an article that ran in August of 2015



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Remembering The Bluth Family’s Worst Business Decisions

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