As a writer, I occasionally get questions from readers of this blog. Most of them are from people who are trying to sell me stuff for erectile dysfunction, but some are about Writing and my new novel, A Death in a Snowstorm. For example:

Hi Writing Deputy,
By the title of your new mystery/thriller, A Death in a Snowstorm, I assume it is set in the winter. Did you write any of it in the summer, and if so, how did you relate to your characters shaking from the cold while you were sweating from the heat? Will there be a sequel?
—Just Wondering

Hi Just Wondering,
I wrote some of the novel in the hotter months of July and August. To identify with the characters, I wrote naked, sitting on the floor with bags of frozen vegetables—mainly Brussel sprouts—piled in my lap to lower my core body temperature until I was shivering. And yes, I have already begun working on a sequel. It is the same characters, but in a warmer time of the year since I have been banned from all the local grocery stores.

Hi Writing Deputy,
I came across your blog while surfing for porn, and it seems to me that you are a stupid dip wad with horse spit for brains. What in the heck qualifies you to write books?
—Dirty Ernie

Hi Mr. Ernie,
There are many qualifications that make a writer. Every writer possesses their own unique knowledge that they apply to their writing. Faulkner knew how to craft words that made prose read with the rhythmic smoothness of poetry. Hemingway knew how to put the reader inside a character’s head in the most intimate way. I know most of the alphabet and all of the vowels.

Hi Writing Deputy,
Your new novel, A Death in a Snowstorm, uses complicated medical and DNA evidence to arrive at the solution to the mystery. Do you have the medical knowhow and chops to pull that off?
—Medical Degrees Up The Wazoo

Hi Wazoo,
Yes. I have the chops, both pork and a Boy Scout first-aid merit badge.

Hi Writing Deputy,
I hear the climax of your new novel, A Death in a Snowstorm, is when two people are trapped in a remote cabin with a homicidal maniac outside preventing their escape. Do you have any real life experience that helped you convey that to your readers?
—Not a Homicidal Maniac

Hi Maniac,
Yes, I do have experience. I was once trapped in our house with my wife during a blizzard when there was a 50% off sale at Kohl’s, and she couldn’t get there. Even after a career in law enforcement, it is still the singularly most terrifying incident of my life.

Hi Writing Deputy,
They say behind every great man is a great woman. Is there a great woman behind you? And if there is, what’s the deal with the wisecrack in that last answer, Mr. Funny Man? Did you ever think maybe your wife also had a coupon for 30% off and twenty dollars in Kohl’s cash that expired that day? Maybe she was trying to save enough money so you could buy that stupid new fishing rod you’re always whining about. Did you ever think about that? First you forget to clean out our rain gutters, and now this? You’re on thin ice, smart guy.
—A Dumb Bozo’s Wife

Hi Bozo’s Wife,
To answer your original question: Yes, there is a great, smart beautiful woman behind me. It’s why I’m always glancing nervously over my shoulder.

Hi Writing Deputy,
Did your writing elf help in writing your new book, A Death in a Snowstorm? (link: The Elves and the Storymaker.)
—Fladir

Hi Fladir,
I don’t know what you’re talking about. You need to remember to take your medication every day.

Okay, enough for now. They say any promo for a novel should have the title mentioned at least seven times. I’ve only mentioned A Death in a Snowstorm six times. It will have to do. Remember, A Death in Snowstorm is available for pre-order sometime around the middle of this month. I’ll let you know.