My entire life I have lived in the Snowbelt, and I’m not talking someplace where once a year a couple of snowflakes fall and everyone runs around like they’re Arctic explorers. I’m talking about places where anything less than a couple feet of Snow is called a dusting. News networks try to make a snowstorm into the Snowpocolypse as if the end of the world is coming. But snow doesn’t have the character to cooperate. During a snowstorm you basically have snow falling. Even if it’s a blizzard it’s no more than wind-driven snow. There aren’t palm trees and corrugated sheet metal flying by like you see in a hurricane, or houses, various kinds of livestock and witches on bicycles and broomsticks whirling past like in a tornado, or even cars floating down a flooded river. Snow is white like soft clouds, downy cotton and sheep. It floats gently to earth and covers the land in a coat of clean white linen. Nobody has ever written a book about alien snow angels trying to take over the world or a maniacal killer snowman stalking a group of kids in a sewer.
Frosty the Snowman was a homicidal troll
With a really sharp axe and a big chainsaw
He’ll try to cut out your soul.
The aftermath of a snowstorm is as vicious as a fluffy bunny … until you have to shovel it.
In my life I have shoveled a lot of snow—and that’s a conservative estimate. I wanted to find out the exact amount I’ve shoveled, so I dug out my calculator and ran the numbers. I was amazed to find that I have shoveled a total of 7,200,000 tons of snow. That is more than the weight of the Great Pyramid of Giza! I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s a scientific fact. I looked it up, and the pyramid weighs 6,500,000 tons. My figures on the weight of the snow, on the other hand, may be a little off one way or the other since I averaged the weight of each shovel of snow, and I’ve used different shovels over the years, so the weight of each one would be slightly different. Also the zero key on my calculator sometimes sticks down, so there might be too many zeroes, and I’m not absolutely certain that I didn’t hit the multiplication key a couple times more than I should have. But other than that, it should be a fairly accurate number.
When I was a kid I loved the snow. I couldn’t wait for it to stop snowing so I could go out and build snowmen and snow forts and snow angels and have snowball fights. Snow was amazing. That’s because I had the brains of a powdered sugar doughnut, and I didn’t have to shovel snow. When I got older and I had to shovel snow, it lost a lot of its fascination.
I learned to shovel snow from my father. I also learned a lot of colorful adjectives for snow from my father, none of which I can use in this blog post. Since growing older I have come to a profound, mature acceptance of snow. I’ve learned if you’re going to live in the north, it is going to snow. I have a different attitude about it, a more refined intellect and a snow blower.
My New Year’s resolution is to post more on this blog this year, however, it’s almost the end of January and this is my first post, so we’ll see how it goes. Also a little housekeeping, Wings epress is starting to put their books on Kindle Unlimited where you can read pages for free if you belong to it. I already have my book, County Ops: The Vengeance of Gable Fitzgerald on it, soon you will be able to get my other Wings books there also.
Visit my author’s page for all my books.
This post first appeared on Thewritingdeputy | A Humorous Look At Everything W, please read the originial post: here