Gay people can now get married. In a foreign country. On the other side of the planet. About time too. Gay people are just like straight people, and they deserve the right to make themselves miserable by legally binding themselves to another human being for the rest of their lives.

Gay marriages- Just like normal marriages, except nobody knows who is supposed to do the dishes.

Now that the Supreme Court of USA has unconditionally legalized gay marriage, it no doubt has set a precedent world over. Reading about it here in India, I thought "good for them", and while thinking about gay marriages, I inevitably thought about lesbian marriages, which led me to think about lesbian sex, and then I opened brazzers to watch some porn. But I had to close it because watching lesbo porn in office makes your colleagues uncomfortable. Point being, I gave somewhat of a fuck, before forgetting about the whole thing. That is until I opened my Facebook feed.

Is there a new virus doing the rounds that turns every profile picture hideous?

So Indians on Facebook and Twitter couldn't be more fucking ecstatic about the decision. Rainbowing the profile picture, posting essay-length status updates, declaring a restoration of their faith in humanity... reading all of it you'd think gay rights was the single biggest cause on urban India's bucket list. Which is a good thing. We are such a progressive, open-minded people, right? We want to speak up when nobody else will. We don't care if it goes against old-fashioned ideas of Desi parampara, we are going to exercise our choice to be whatever we want to be.

Even the choice to be a colossal douchebag.

And then porn got banned. Not thousands of kilometers away, but right here, in India. As you know, porn is one social cause that is very close to my heart, and I think I can say the same for most of my readers. I was outraged at this blatant intrusion on my personal liberty, the establishment taking away my right to do what I wanted to do every Tuesday and Thursday night.

And twice on Saturdays.

But I knew there was nothing to fear. The defenders of gay sex and all things liberal would come save the day. Facebook and Twitter would explode with outrage, social media campaigns would be launched, change.org petitions would be signed, hashtags would be trended, matching display pictures would be put up that would become the symbolic flag of the movement...

It would hopefully look like this.

But no, none of that happened. Not on my social media feed, and not on yours. Well, there might have been a few odd people sharing memes here and there, but what the fuck happened to all the outrage? Why is nobody talking about this, posting long ass status updates, trending hashtags? Does not being able to jerk off to your personal fetish not affect you at all? Doesn't it affect you at least as much as the fact that 2 firang dudes you don't know can now marry each other in Winchestertonville, USA? Whatever happened to being progressive, and breaking the shackles of conservative India, and restoring faith in humanity 1 tweet at a time?

People just didn't have a reason to switch on their computers in a post-pornaclyptic world.

To understand what the hell happened, let's go back to the gay marriage circle-jerk from a month back. Let's be brutally honest here- all the status updates that went up when gay marriages were legalized in America- they were just like every other status update that's ever gone up in the history of social media. People just wanted more likes and followers.

1 like= 1 gay marriage in America, 1 share= 1 gay orgy in America

People got on board the gay bandwagon because it's the mainstream thing to do, especially when you got some of the coolest people on the planet talking about it. This is not to say that people don't care about the gay cause, they do. But it's so much easier to start caring about a cause in the first place when it's got Hollywood celebrities and Buzzfeed listicles circle-jerking over it. Contrast this with something a lot less... glamorous... like maybe a Swach Bharat abhiyaan, and nobody gives a fuck, because pictures of scraping cow shit off roads just doesn't look as good on your Facebook wall.

On the other hand, if the pictures used Facebook's rainbow filter...

The fact that the gay marriage legalization happened in the USA and not in India is kind of important. The distance makes it easy for people in India to support the decision without having any questions raised about their own sexuality. They are just lending a voice to the poor downtrodden gay people on the other side of the planet, while they go about their own straight-as-a-morning-erection lives.

"Now that I've posted my support for Same-sex marriage, let me go back to finalizing my Same-caste marriage".

Which brings us to the porn ban. Here's why hardly anyone posted about it- left wing liberalism aside, at the end of the day, we still give too many colossal fucks about log kya kahenge. Voicing your support for gay people is 1 thing, but nobody wants to be the guy whining about his bookmarked porn sites being taken away. Oh yea it's a big breach of personal liberty, but it's a little too personal of a liberty for us to say anything about it. You're not progressive if you want to watch porn, you're just a horny loser who is never getting laid. And don't even get me started on why a girl in India would never put up a #LiftPornBan status update.

Everyone knows the Bharatiya Naari is asexual and does not care about porn.

If you can't comprehend the double standards inconsistency, here is an analogy that explains it- there's a club in your neighborhood that only allows people whose penises are 4 inches and above. It's out right discriminatory and demeaning, but nobody in town is going to protest it, because it implies they have a sub-4 wiener. But if that club was in another town, you'll probably protest it. You're never going to get into the club anyway, so that allows you to objectively oppose it, without anybody questioning your own penile credentials.

"I meet your selection criteria and also have a PhD in Dongonomics."

This selective liberalism leads to a pretty depressing paradox. We want to support all things progressive, radical and bold; but being any of those things is secondary, perhaps even unnecessary. Deep down, we just want to be seen as an open-minded people, because otherwise, log kya kahenge?