If you are reading this, chances are- you are either in a Relationship, or you are not in a relationship. How did I know? I'm just very perspicacious. On the subject of relationships, everyone wants to be in a relationship, which is completely okay. The continued survival of the human species is dependent on you and your partner relationshipping all night long. But what is not okay is the reasons you want to get into it.

Like sharing a love for bright colorful chaddis.

A lot of people today including people I know are in relationships they don't want to be in, but can't get out of. It's not because of any one person turning out to be an asshole or a secret transvestite or something, it's because their mind tricked them into the relationship using all the wrong reasons. The reasons we'll be talking about here are cunning motherfuckers that have tricked your mind into thinking they don't even exist.

1. Balls over brains
Giving your dick your mental steering wheel will always end in multiple hit & runs, traffic violations and traffic accidents.

And that's before you've even started the engine.

Lust is stupid. This might make me sound like a hypocrite, I'm the guy who argued for porn entering mainstream Indian society, and I'm the guy who finds an excuse to talk about boobs in every single article on this website. So let me clarify- boobs are beautiful, and so is lust. It's just that getting into a relationship for the sex is like buying a movie house for the free popcorn machine that comes with it.

You can simply buy it from the girl on the street.

Running a movie house, like running a relationship, is a fuckton of hard work. If you are buying your cinema hall, make sure it's because you actually want a cinema hall, are ready to manage an cinema hall, and are ready to stick with it when shit hits the fan. Most of us having grown up on a steady diet of candy-flavoured bullshit of Hollywood, equate a great relationship to getting banged by beautiful people. That's like eating the popcorn without worrying about having people buy tickets, getting the right staff to maintain the place, making sure someone didn't replace the reel of Bambi with Black Cock White Chick 4, and a whole bunch of other boring shit. Relationships are the same- if sex is the only good part for you, the bad parts are gonna make you wish you were better off yourself. Especially after some time, when this-



Eventually upgrades to this-



Now I'm not asking you to turn down the chance to bang a supermodel. Just don't let your little erection dictate matters and get you ahead of yourself. Sex, like popcorn, gets boring after a while, especially when it's coming from the same place. You don't want to be left with a lifetime supply of popcorn and a multiplex that's eating up all your time.


2. Starring in your own Romcom
People still get an arranged marriage these days, and there's nothing wrong in it, except for the fact that in the fashion world of social customs, arrange marriage is something that is quickly going out of fashion and something that only your mother would still like.

Making babies with strangers was really in vogue back then.

Marrying someone without the help of a bald astrologer, kundlis and your mom's contacts is sort of a bigger achievement than anything else. It seems to be the only measure of self worth for our generation. You got into IIT, wrote CAT, went to IIM and are now heading Apple's marketing division having con-calls with Steve Jobs' ghost? Ok, but do you have any girlfriend? No? Even Bunty has a girlfriend dude, and Bunty didn't even pass out of school.

Bunty sexting his girlfriend > All your achievements combined.

Which brings us to the most common of reasons. Chances are you know someone just like what I'm about to describe. These people are as sincere as they can be. They are not in it for just the sex, they probably want to meet someone and get married to them too. But here's the problem- they are not in love with a person, they are in love with the idea of being in a relationship. To a lot of people across the country, getting a love marriage is basically nothing more than a chance to star in their own self-financed private romantic movie.

"I wanted to beat up 6 bad guys before I proposed, but the budget didn't allow it."

This is kind of a dangerous situation to be in- you go through your entire life waiting for that 1 person with who you could have that perfect relationship you always dreamt about. You might even save yourself until finding someone who fits the criteria list you drew up over the years, and then you'll latch on to that person, desperate to get your movie made right and air it in the theater of family and society. So what happens when everyone's seen the movie, given good reviews and gone home and you're left holding the movie reel and a bunch of popcorn? Same thing that happens to a movie that is endlessly replayed- you start losing interest in it, and then you become indifferent to it, and then you start hating it to the point that even the commercials seem more appealing.

"Your mother has cancer? Tell me about it after the Nirma washing powder commercial."

3. Approval-whoring
You know how you automatically like people who like you. It's because in the brothel of life, we are all cheap approval-whores. Pretty much every single thing we do in our waking moments, apart from bodily functions like eating or taking a shit, revolves around getting someone's admiration. Every. Single. Thing. Going to work, having a Facebook, reading a book. Even cleaning your ass after taking a shit.

Statistics show an inverse correlation between shit in your pants and admiration of your peers.

How this ties into this article is a lot of people (women more often than not) get into a relationship with someone not because they like someone, but because of how much someone likes them. This is not really a bad place to be in, you are at the center of someone's universe. Nothing can feel better than that having someone worship you 24/7, make you feel special and basically give you ego-handjobs.

Nothing can be wrong with this, right? Especially when Hollywood has put its stamp of approval on it- movies like The Notebook have made millions selling this. The girl doesn't really like the guy, she almost married someone else, but the guy waited and waited and pretty much pissed his lifeforce away in the absence of the one shining star that was the love of his life. The idea of some loving you like that, not you loving someone, is what gives you that ego boner. And if you still don't get what's wrong with that, replace 'someone' in the last paragraph with 'dog'.

The Notebook (realistic gritty reboot) finally makes sense.

Ego-masturbatory relationships like the one in The Notebook don't work, because it's a fucking movie damnit. You should know that by now. Rom-coms are no more realistic than movies like The Matrix, except that The Matrix actually made sense on some level. If you're expecting someone to make you their entire reason for existence, you're better off getting a dog. Real humans don't have time for that sorta shit, and you're setting yourself up for a huge disappointment when your partner doesn't quit their job and stay at home to write ballads about that strand of hair sticking out of your armpit.


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