Imp doesn't love me anymore.I can't write this any longer.Thanks for reading.FT Read More

I sprint to the water's edge, hiding my beer belly behind my Mermaid Body Board. Actually, it is important to note that this is not, in fact, my Mermaid Body Board. It is LittleImpA's Bod… Read More

It is getting on for 15 years since I last swam.This is for several very good reasons:1. I am developing a somewhat ‘portly’ appearance.. otherwise known as a beer belly.2. I a… Read More

I am on an interview panel!This is because I am so grown up and people obviously recognise my talents as a discerning, mature person to have around.Also I’ve been practising my Wise Lo… Read More

I have run out of unread books! It is time for me to do the charity shop circuit. Charity shops are the best thing since sliced bread (and fitted sheets) (although to be honest, I am happ… Read More

I am going to the cinema with Ickle Bro! We walk through town. This is not as simple as it sounds. Ickle bro, who is younger than me, should Rightfully-As-A-Result-Of-Logic-And-The-Laws-Of… Read More

We have decided to go to the National Botanic Gardens of Wales, to cheer ourselves up. It is a scorcher of a day and it would be criminal to stay indoors. I spend a while choosing which ho… Read More

Imp has been assaulted! There is Good News and Bad News. The Good News is that there were about 50 witnesses. The Bad News is that she has got whiplash injuries, which means that we can n… Read More

I have designed a fool-proof system for holding the door open! My flat has got a very determined fire-hingey-thing to ensure that the door stays closed in case of fire, effectively making i… Read More

TinyDog® has got a huge mass of poo on her bum!This is as a result of having a hairy bottom. The dog, not me.Normally when this happens we bung her in the bath and Imp deals with the po… Read More

I am accosted by a woman who wants me to play Lesbian Badminton! I back off, hurriedly. We are attending a meeting, Imp and I, to plan things for the Cardiff Mardi Gras. I have never bee… Read More

I am shovelling shit! It is pig shit, which is a particularly pungent variety of shit, but not as bad a dog poo. Anyway, I secretly like anything to do with poo, as long as it doesn't in… Read More

Owwwwwwwwwwwwww! “If you give me your details, I'll pass them on to him when he gets back”, I say in a fake-jaunty phone-voice.I was unlucky enough to be closest to the phone wh… Read More

Important notice: It is imperative when using hair removal cream that one covers up the areas from which one does not want hair removed.This is especially important when using hair removal… Read More

I have finished the wardrobe! It has only taken me four days, which is quite good when you consider that I have been making the design up, as I go along. I step back and admire. There… Read More

It is not quite going to plan.I have been building this wardrobe for 1 whole day and two whole evenings and unbelieveably, it is not yet a wardrobe.Imp smiles, knowingly.I just can't underst… Read More

I am going to build a wardrobe!It will be very easy because I have an alcove, a basement full of salvaged wood and two rescued drawers. Also, I am also a trained expert in Space Lego and I n… Read More

“And anyway, I drove up to Ludlow to buy a aluminium 5-bear split-shift fork”. We are trapped in a pub with an Anorak! “You can't get them anymore because they stopped ma… Read More

It is our last night in Dublin and, have moved to a hotel near to the airport. Luckily, it is the swankiest hotel in the world and we only paid a couple of monopoly notes for it because we… Read More

We are in a twee café in Dublin! We have been up since 4 o'clock and so it is roughly tea-time to my body, although it says it is only 10am on the clock on the wall. This is what ha… Read More

I have a degree, several A levels and more GCSEs than you can shake a stick at.(Admittedly, I have never seen a GCSE and, if I did, I would be sure to sternly shake a stick at it simply to d… Read More

Imp has hurt her wrist!She did it last Wednesday while playing squash.One minute she was doing athletic Lara Croft-dives and the next, she was making pathetic two-handed shots that barely ma… Read More

The walls of my flat have become thinner!I lie in bed, trying to ignore the conversation next door. It's like Chinese Water Torture, but much later.I can't hear every detail but I know that… Read More

Apparently people have been very badly affected by extremely strong winds all over the country, in the last few days.I know how they feel Read More

Imp farts on my leg.I am appalled."Did you just fart on my leg?" I interrogate, skillfully.She buries her head under the duvet and sniggers.She farts again, this time with added gustoNow I a… Read More