I was over at my parent's house yesterday and I noticed a strange-looking item on one of their end tables. It looked something like this:



"Interesting," I said. "What's that thing?"

"Those are our TV Ears," they said.

"Oh," I said, wondering if I was actually dreaming and this was my visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future: Next stop on the Mortality and Mockery Tour, a grave site with "Your Name Here" chiseled in the granite of the tombstone, complete with overhanging yew branch so that birds may crap on you for eternity.

"Now we can hear the TV," they continued, waking me from my Dickensian slumber.

"Oh," I said. "That's terrific."

Before the TV Ears, my parents explained, they looked like this when they watched TV:



With the TV Ears, they look more like this:



Imagine, I wondered, imagine if we could take this technology to the next level and apply it to all kinds of situations in which a person does not hear something or someone. The possibilities would be endless.

For instance, how many times have you gotten into an argument with your significant other over you saying something that he or she later claimed they never heard. ("You said you wanted a monogamous marriage? Oh, I would have remembered such a thing, I am sure" -- how many times have you gotten that one? If I had a nickel . . . )

Well, what if we were to solve this age-old communication problem by developing Boyfriend Ears, Girlfriend Ears, Husband Ears and Wife Ears.



Another novel idea: How about having a God who actually heard our prayers? Wouldn't that be something. I'll bet more people would be willing to believe in such a God, one who wore My Humble Childrens of the World Ears.



And how many times have you sat alone, in your bathroom, late at night, looking in the mirror, blood trickling down from the nicks in your scalp caused by the straight-edge razor that you just shaved your head with, saying, "Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?" and wondering just exactly what, where and when your enemies were plotting against you?

Wonder no more, kindred spirit. I present to you the Arch Nemesis Ears.




And finally, when was the last time a politician heard what you said? Can't remember? Me neither. What if elected officials were handed, upon being sworn in, a set of Populace Ears? Then they would be forced to actually hear what the people who elected them were saying.



May the Ghost of Christmas Future bring you all the ears you need, with the knowledge of how to turn them on and the wisdom to know when to turn them off. Because some things may be better left unheard after all.

Godspeed,
LJL