THE GARDEN OF EATIN

When the Lord God woke from his nap, he realized that he had left his new creation crumpled up in the corner. This was unlike God as he kept an immaculate place, and this flesh thing sitting in the corner of his den was unappealing to say the least. More important God knew he’d never hear the end of it from the Missus if she returned home and found this ugly mass of non-God flesh sitting in the corner next to her prized hibiscus.

So God made a special place for man and called it Eatin because he planted lots of fruit- bearing trees there. He told his creation, who he called Adman, that he was free to munch on any of the fruit without fear of pesticides, but if he went near the tree that gave knowledge of good and bad, God would cut his penis off. Thus was born the Oedipus complex, which Freud would resurrect centuries later. God liked being Number One, and he didn’t want man to be able to decide on his own what was right and what was wrong, because then he wouldn’t have to consult God, and this troubled God because it would be a loss of power and control. God was freaked by this prospect.

A stream flowed through the garden of Eatin, and divided into four rivers. The first river was called Pish On, and ran through the land of Halavah. The second river was the YeeHaw, and it flowed through the country of Tush. The Tigger flowed through Asserious, and the fourth river was called the Youfraidame.

God kept an eye on his creation and it soon became apparent that something was missing. There were pretty birds to look at, and animals prancing to and fro, but Adman had no one with whom to hang, to talk politics, or to go for a brewski. He was lonely, and of greater import, he was horny.
God said, “I need to create a companion for Adman; someone who will nag him night and day the way the Missus nags me, and teach him the true meaning of misery. That was probably a bad idea to attach that little dick thingy to the front of his body, but I didn’t know what to do with that handful of leftover dirt, and it seemed like such a cute idea at the time. Now he plays with the damn thing all day long, and he’s been getting a little too familiar with the sheep and goats.”

So while the creation was sleeping, God removed one of Adman’s ribs and said, “This will be Adman’s companion.”
When Adman woke the first words out of his mouth were, “OW!…what the fuck?…what happened to my side?”
God heard his words and replied, “Don’t be alarmed, Adman. I did some minor surgery while you slept. I think you will like the result. When it heals there will be just a small scar. Stay off your feet for a couple of days, and pop a couple of these oxycontin. You’ll be fine.”

Then God said, “I have a surprise for you, Adman. There’s someone I want you to meet.”
And God pulled out Adman’s rib from under his robe. The look on Adman’s face was one of bewilderment and disbelief.
“What the hell? Is this some kind of joke?”
“It’s your wife, Adman. Her name is Even, and she shall be your companion.”
“Give me a break! It’s a piece of bone. Not funny, God!”
A look of consternation crossed God’s countenance, as if suddenly realizing he had made a terrible mistake.
“Oh, my goodness,” God said. “Give me a minute. I’ll be right back.”
God retreated behind a eucalyptus tree and pulled out his Bible, which he flipped through until he came to the story of Adman and Even.
“Damn, I knew I forgot something. No wonder Adman was disappointed.”

So God breathed into the bone and said some incantations and fashioned the bone into a woman resembling the glossy pictures he had seen in girly magazines as a teen. He gave her long, lustrous hair, long supple legs, firm hooters, and a hole in front in which man could stick his appendage.
“Now maybe he’ll leave the goats alone,” God observed.

God brought his new creation over to Adman and sheepishly said, “Maaah…..Maaaah… (This is supposed to be a sheep sound-use your imagination, reader.) My apology, Adman. I meant well, but guess I had a senior moment. This is your wife, Even. Even…Adman; Adman…Even.”
God could see from Adman’s protuberance that he was well pleased with Even, and God said, “I’ll leave you two kids alone so you can get to know each other. I need to go clean the toilets before the Missus returns.”

And when Even saw Adman’s excitement, she said, “Is that a mistake?” pointing to his obvious erection.
“No,” Adman said. “It’s a boner.”
“That’s what I said,” replied Even, who was much quicker verbally than Adman, and had realized that Adman hadn’t understood her clever double entendre.
Though Adman totally missed Even’s play on words, nonetheless he was well pleased by his new companion, and quickly forgot both the pain in his side, and the goats with whom he had consorted.