GOD’S COVENANT WITH NOWAY

God told NoWay to go out and multiply, which NoWay did gladly as he was a whiz at math. God told NoWay that he was making him the master over all other forms of life, and that all animals would live in fear of him. This was a natural concept for God to come up with, since he wanted all humans to live in fear of Him, so it was a small leap.

God told NoWay that he could partake of all the foods, plants and animals, that God had created, but there was one exception that he was not allowed to consume. That was jello.
God told NoWay, “I forbid you to eat anything that wiggles like that. Besides I don’t understand what the hell jello is made of. Stay away from that stuff-it can’t be good for you.”

God also promised that he would never send a flood again to destroy all of mankind. He was parsing words here, as he didn’t make any promises about not sending other natural disasters, nor did he say anything about not destroying significant patches of mankind, as he so amply demonstrated later in The Big Easy with Hurricane Katrina.
God said that he would put a rainbow in the sky to help him remember his promise, and when he saw the rainbow it would serve as a reminder of this agreement. Of course he didn’t say anything about the ninety percent of days when there was no rainbow in the sky to remind him. It was a good idea to get any promises that God made in writing, or at least to have a lawyer present, but in those times there weren’t any lawyers, as people all did honest work.




NOWAY AND HIS SONS AND THEIR SONS

This section of the Bah Bull is drier than dust and BORING, with names of peoples derived from the sons of NoWay, and where they wound up living, so I will spare you the details and summarize this section.

NoWay planted a vineyard, and one day had a few liters too much to drink and was drunk on his ass. He took off all his clothes and lay down naked in his tent. Ham found his father lying naked and went and told his two brothers, Phlegm and Pork Chop. These two walked into the tent backwards, so they wouldn’t have to see a five-hundred-year-old man’s shriveled genitals, and dropped a sheet on their comatose father.

When NoWay sobered up, he was pissed at Ham, and put a curse on Ham’s son, Cannon, predicting that he would be a slave to the sons of the two backward-walking brothers, and that Phlegm and Pork Chop would prosper. You can see that NoWay had picked up some of the more despicable habits of the Big Kahuna.

NoWay’s grandchildren included Gomer, Magog, Nimrod, Lewd, Amway, Arbutus, Pegleg and Heath, and they lived in places like Sabteca, Ashkenaz, Calah, Zeboiim, Hazarmaveth, and Oz.

They became separate tribes with their own languages and customs, and so the seeds for rivalry and war were planted. No more one big happy family.



THE TOWER OF BABBLE ON

At one time all of the people of the world (there were about forty-seven at one count) spoke the same language. They had about twelve words that expressed their basic needs. They had no use for prepositions, conjunctions, adjectives, adverbs and the like. A few verbs and nouns sufficed for their daily routines, which consisted largely of eating, propagating and bathroom functions.

They settled in BabbleOn, on a plain (Some versions of the Bible say they settled on a plane, but this does not make sense as there weren’t planes at that time.) They bought some bricks at Home Depot, and one ambitious guy said, “Hey, let’s build a really tall tower that reaches to the sky, so we can make a name for ourselves.”
God came down and saw the tower, and said, “Cool-look at that-it scrapes the sky.”

But after thinking for another nanosecond, God decided that these people might get too uppity and think they could do anything, and God felt threatened. He said, “I shall go down there and mess with their language, so they will all be speaking different languages, and won’t be able to communicate. That way they won’t be able to cooperate on any more major projects, and my sovereignty will be assured.”

With a wave of his hand, God made his word manifest, and suddenly everyone was speaking a different language and no one could understand anyone else.
With a contented smirk on his face, God proclaimed, “Babble on, you idiots.”
The lesson here-don’t go challenging God-he doesn’t take kindly to too much ambition.