Instructor: Wang? We do not say “wang” my child. It is called “the Most Holy Lord Marphus’ Gift unto his children.”
Me: Oh, that sounds much better. Very official.
Instructor: And yes. You are t the right place. Come in, my child, and learn the joys and peace of life that Lord Marphus and his teachings may bestow upon you.
Me: Cool, cool. Will there be refreshments?
Instructor: Our teachings will nurture your mind and be the sustenance your soul has always yearned for.
Instructor: There will also be fig newtons and fruit punch.
Instructor: Are you ready to receive the teachings of the Blessed Lord Marphus into your heart and soul?
Me: Sure. What do I do?
Instructor: The flyer for today’s event specified that you bring your life savings and your measurements for a robe that will fit you. Have you done as requested?
Me: You bet!
Instructor: Excellent! Come and sit and prepare yourself to learn from the living voice of our Lord Marphus: Grand Poobah Slappy!
Me: Slappy? Really?
Instructor: It is so. When we join this sacred group, we are all bestowed with a new mantle. For example, I’m Mary Poppins y’all.
Me: Makes sense. Alright, let’s go.
(five minutes later, I’m seated on the floor with about 20 other people)
Grand Poobah: Welcome all of the Lord Marphus’ children! I am Grand Poobah. Slappy and I bring you great tidings! Today you have come here to learn and to be part of something greater that yourself. For you here shall learn about the glorious, fluorescent way to the comforting (and heaving) bosom of our Great Lord Marphus!
First, I just need a show of hands if everybody brought all of their money with them? Don’t worry, if it’s in the form of a check, we have a machine to process them, same for credit cards. The Lord requires us to be thorough.
(all hands are raised)
Grand Poobah: Wonderful! And so, we may begin. Have you ever felt unloved? Nauseous? Gassy? Horny? Bewildered? Bothered? Itchy? Upset stomach? Diarrhea? We will feel those inflictions no longer, as the Lord Marphus accepts us into his loving and accepting arms. All physical pain, money worries, hair-loss, undersized wangs…
Me: I KNEW IT!!
Grand Poobah: …No interruptions please. As I was saying, with his love, you will find peace and happiness. All you must do is give in completely to his whims and embrace his teachings fully. And I am here to help you cross into a new and all-encompassing utopia. And to be able to make this happen, we’re gonna have y’all line up so we can take, I mean accept, your financial donations and measure you for your robes.
Me: Um, Slappy? Exactly what are Lord Marphus’ teachings?
Grand Poobah: What is your name son?
Me: It’s Josh.
Grand Poobah: No longer. You shall be known as PITA.
Grand Poobah: Yes, my child. “Pain In The Ass”. Now get line with the rest of the sheep…I’m mean Children of Love and Light.
Me: You got it!
(six months later)
Me: Hey Fuzzy, tell me again why we’re here at the airport?
Fuzzy: We are here to discover more Children of Love to embrace the teachings of Lord Marphus and return with us to the compound to begin the learning process. Just as we did.
Me: Gotcha. And why are so many people laughing and spitting on us? Is it the robes? Cause I just purified mine in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
Fuzzy: They are unwise and unwilling to accept love into their hearts. Worry not PITA, the right Children shall come with us.
Me: I sure hope it’s soon, that last guy just spit a mouthful of tobacco juice in my face. It’s dripping down and now I can taste the inside of his mouth.
Fuzzy: Just be patient and all bliss will come unto us. Trust in our Blessed Lord, praise be unto him.
Me: Right. Praise be unto him. It better not take too long; this damn hemp underwear is itchy and giving me worst wedgie.
Fuzzy: Here’s somebody! Excuse me brother, would you like to learn the teachings of our Lord Marphus and how you can be saved?
Guy at Airport walking briskly past: Get away from me, weirdo. You smell like a hobo’s unwashed crotch.
Me yelling after him: Don’t worry man. It may all not be true. I still don’t know how to get a bigger dick!
Man, this cult sucks balls!