By Simba The Comic King
Serial killers use all types of excuses to do what they do, some will tell you they were abused as children, some had girlfriends they were obsessed with who broke their hearts and some just watched Friday The 13thand thought, “Hey wouldn’t it be cool if I could slash the s**t out of people just like that depraved maniac in a hockey mask but where the f**k am I gonna find a hockey mask?”
Serial killers use all types of excuses to do what they do, some will tell you they were abused as children, some had girlfriends they were obsessed with who broke their hearts and some just watched Friday The 13thand thought, “Hey wouldn’t it be cool if I could slash the s**t out of people just like that depraved maniac in a hockey mask but where the f**k am I gonna find a hockey mask?”
Today we look at those who unfortunately didn’t have much of a marketing budget but pretty much Modus Operandied the exact same way as some of the world’s most evil serial killers you’d think they studied an online course taught by them…
(WARNING: Readers discretion is advised, this article may contain s**t that may make you fast involuntarily for the next coupla days, despite the humorous nature of his blog, some of the content may be disturbing)
Namibia Had Its Own Version Of Jack the Ripper
The B1 Butcher or the “Khomas Ripper” was Namibia’s most prolific serial killer and like Jack the Ripper his identity remains unknown to this day. Jack the Ripper is the name of unidentified serial killer who murdered two murdered prostitutes and removed their body organs around the poverty stricken Whitechapel district of London in 1888. The alter ego "Jack the Ripper" was coined in a letter to newspapers penned by someone claiming to be the psychopath. You could say he had the Kim-Kardashian-kind-of-hunger for fame just that he was camera shy and due to the unavailability of Twitter in those days s**t couldn’t go viral unless you tweeted to the papers son, life in the 1800’s really #SuckedBalls. The B1 Butcher’s name comes from the fact that he threw the body parts of his victims along Namibia’s B1 Highway because his mother didn’t teach him how to use a trash can. One of the other things he adopted from Uncle Jack is selecting prostitutes as his victims and murdering only five of them between 2005 and 2007. Only one suspect was unsuccessfully linked to the murders, German-born Namibian citizen Heinz Knierim and no, he is not related to anyone who was in the Nazi party.
| "I can't believe they misspelt my name again, its JACK not JERK!" |
South Africa’s Ted Bundy
Moses Sithole was nicknamed "The ABC Murderer" or "The Gauteng Killer" because, you guessed it….there was a major shortage of cool serial killer nicknames in Apartheid South Africa. Apart from that criminologists likened him with Ted Bundy seeing as they had a s**tload in common. From daddy issues to that-bitch-really-f**ked-me-over issues, both had a similar MO. Moses described by many as a charming and handsome man, would approach his victims with false job promises. "Hey would you like a job young lady? But the catch is I have to kill you for you to get it." Just like every other serial killer, Sithole had a myriad of excuses for being who he was. He was arrested for rape in his teens and blamed that s**t for turning him into a murderer, so he came out and thought, "Hmmm, now that I’m out what can I do to get me back not only in prison but possibly Death Row as well?" I’m sorry nigga but isn’t prison supposed to rehabilitate your motherf**in’ rapey a**?! This is what happens when all your mentorship comes from a Tupac album. He deceived colleagues by appearing mild mannered, you know like if Clark Kent was Super-serial-killing-Man instead. Using an organization he managed, Youth Against Human Abuse, Sithole would approach women with job offers, he would then take them to a remote area, beat, rape and strangle them with their underwear. As if that wasn’t enough, he would inscribe the word, "b***h" on their bodies before disposing of them. Again, this is what happens when all your mentorship is from a Tupac album.
| "This is like the best advice ever." |
| 'We know you don't like ads but f**k you.,unless you want to adopt starving African comedians, we have bills to pay too, tickets available here. Payment via EcoCash on +263 779 822 504.' |
What Happens In Colombia Stays In Egypt
Luis Alfredo Garavito Cubillos was often described as “the world’s worst serial killer.” He was nicknamed after a character from the X-men, (the only clue who are prepared to give you is “blue” so you have a beastly guess work ahead of you) Luis is on record for raping and murdering over 140 children, young boys aged between 6 and 16 years of age. Mostly kids who lived in the street or were poor in one way or the other. The lesser known version of Luis is Ramadan Abdel Rehim Mansour from Egypt. With all those pyramids you think he’d become a grave robber instead but no, just like Luis he resorted to rape and murder of young boys who lived in the streets as well aged between 10 and 14. Both Luis and Ramadan suffered some form of abuse when they were young with the latter eventually becoming the leader of a street gang. We really can’t blame Tupac for this one.
| "When I was young people would aspire to be pharaohs and put on this ridiculous head gear the whole day. " |
The Midwife Murderers
With all the cute little Anime characters made in Japan you’d never think that such a country would be home to any kind of killer except Pikachu of course. Miyuki Ishikawa is the Japanese version of Amelia Dyer, a British woman who is believed to have taken the lives of over three hundred infants. Both of them were midwives who truly believed they were justified in committing the murders. Miyuki killed the babies of parents who she deemed ‘too poor’ to raise any children. She believed she was saving little future Anime fans from poverty, as long as their parents couldn’t afford a Netflix subscription, their baby wasn’t allowed to live. With an estimated victim count of between 85 and 169, in similar fashion to Amelia, Miyuki found a way to monetize her evil. She and her hubby Takeshi would tell the parents, “Konnichiwa, you know what, instead of saving up college money for your baby, why not give us a third of that and we’ll get rid of the baby altogether?“ They were aided in their evil schemes by, Shiro Nakayama, falsified death certificates on their behalf. We can only blame this one on Tupac if he faked his death.
| “With such cuteness who would ever suspect him of being a serial Pokemon killer?“ |
The Evil Hosts
Who all want to be the first at something, even if it means becoming the first serial killer…I guess. H.H Holmes is commonly believed to be America’s first serial killer, he built an entire hotel just so he could kill people in it during the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago. That would be like Trump getting illegal immigrants to build a hotel so he can use it to become a billionaire, then somehow use both those things to become president…wait…he already did that? Anyhoo, Holmes’ Murder Castle had numerous torture rooms where he tortured and murdered women. Leornard Lake, just like Holmes, built an abode that was meant for the torture, rape and record on camera, the murder of young women except his was just a fortified bunker presumably because he wasn’t as ambitious as ol’ H.H.
| “What happened to the good old days when people just used to build things for non sinister reasons?“ |
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