By Simba The Comic King
Donald Trump Son In Law Being Investigated For Russian Ties (Jared Kushner)
Donald Trump is no stranger to being on every list on the internet that has the words ‘crazy’ and ‘We miss Obama’ in them which is why this week we decided to spare you and talk about the next worst thing….his son in law. Jared Kushner was appointed as a Senior White House advisor in January in what can be termed slightly dictator-ish. We are not saying son in laws shouldn’t get the finer things in life but when your qualifications are sexually transmitted it becomes highly questionable, I mean its’ not Ivanka Trump’s high school boyfriend's fault that he failed to predict that her daddy would rule America with an Iron hairpiece one day. This week Jared became the object of controversy when details emerged that he met with executives from a Russian bank under sanctions over the country's incursion into Ukraine in December. Russians are already under heavy fire after accusations that they hacked senior Democratic Party operatives, helping Trump win the elections. F**k you Russia. Just had to get that off my chest. In a similar story, Michael T. Flynn, Trump’s former national security adviser, has offered to be interviewed by House and Senate investigators who are examining the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia in exchange for exemption from getting locked up with some big black nigga who will probably violate him all while saying, "The greatest lesson your ex-boss has ever taught us is grab ‘em by the p***y but since that s**t is clearly scarce in here, you’ll do just fine."
| "If these Russians keep f**king with me I'm banning the importation of Vodka" |
The Super Confident Boxer (Manyuchi)
Zimbabwean boxer, Charles Manyuchi, on Saturday broke a world record, for the-quickest-time-a-nigga-can-hit-the canvas after he lost the World Boxing welterweight silver title to Qudratillo Abduqaxorov IN Singapore. In what many think was a fixed match, Manyuchi lost the fight due to his signature showboating. He underestimated his opponent and paid dearly for it in canvas currency. The match ended in one round in less than three minutes. If you have a girlfriend who constantly nags you about prematurely ejaculating just tell her the Manyuchi story. Word of advice Charles, If you are gonna borrow boxing tips from Muhammed Ali then always make sure, you "Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee" not "Float like an over-confident-boxer and sting like a little girl.
| "Stinging like a bee doesn't necessarily mean I'm entirely punch-proof." |
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New Justice League Trailer Comes Out (Justice League, Zack Snyder)
The new Justice League trailer was uploaded to YouTube to some mixed reactions. Like the kinda mix that would give you diarrhea. While some commend the trailer for some very original awe inspiring dialogue like Barry Allen saying to Bruce Wayne, “What exactly is your superpower?" Bruce Wayne: "I’m rich." (Should have thrown in b***h at the end just for extra measure) I had to read the tweets pretending as if I hadn’t already heard Tony Stark or some other Rich Bastard Who Got So Bored He Decided To Become A Superhero say that a thousand times. While some human beings with a less critical eye praised the trailer others with PhDs in S***ty movie-ology started an entire hashtag to make Zack Snyder’s life a Nightmare On Tweet Street. Snyder has been responsible for directing most of DC’s critical flops like Batman v. Superman and Suicide Squad. It remains to be seen if Justice League can pull the critic’s d**ks out of DC’s a** or they just might become a literal Suicide Squad.
| "Did someone just say Suicide Squad 2?!" |
US Vice President Is Allergic To Any Women Who Aren't His Wife (Mike Pence)
The 48th US Vice President, Mike Pence is adamant that he can’t and will never dine or generally fraternize with any other woman except for his wife. While some say these are the utterances of a highly faithful man, some insist that these are sexist sentiments. I know right, it’s quite clear the secret to what women actually want will never come out, Mel Gibson lied to us all, I hope he gets killed by a lethal weapon. After publication of his wife, Karen Pence’s profile, the internet went insane of something the VP said in 2002, "If there's alcohol being served and people are being loose, I want to have the best-looking brunette in the room standing next to me," but everyone somehow translated that to, “F**k all women (except for Karen), I hate them more than your average rapper (except for Karen), all of them are b***hes (except for Karen), Ludacris was right to tell them to move out the way (they are blocking Karen). Hey, if a man wants to be faithful to his wife, cut him some slack please or Karen will slice off your balls.
| "You're a b***h....I mean the dog honey." |
#BlackWomenAtWork
Fox News host Bill O'Reilly this week made fun of a black congresswoman's hair saying he didn’t catch a single word of Maxine Walters speech at the House of Representatives because he was distracted by the "James Brown wig." O'Reilly had to find out the hard way that hell hath no fury like a twitter hashtag started by black women. Hilary Clinton addressed the issue as well calling it a "racist hair joke." Every woman already has a tough time dealing with bad hair days now they gotta deal with bad hair jokes as well?
| "Hair like this really can be distracting." |
