The funniest lawyer jokes collection on the Internet.
lawyer jokes
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a Lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: “SPEAK!”
The dog said in return: “Not without my lawyer present!”
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They’re both extinct.
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller
Q: What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Long Lawyer Jokes
A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck.”
A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist replies “I’m sorry but he died last week.” The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.” The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?” The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer, “Where is my Rolex?”
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