I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately — here and elsewhere — about Spanking and little ones.  Things like when kids are old enough for spankings, why I don’t advocate spanking infants, etc.  They’re valid questions, and I want to try to answer them — although I don’t have as specific an answer as some people might prefer — but in order to do that we need to first take a step backward and work from some broader ideas down to this narrow set of questions.

Principle First

Something you’ll hear me say repeatedly if you listen to or talk with me for any length of time is that principles ought to drive our practice.  If we get biblical principles right, they’ll help us put the right things into practice.  If we skip over the principles and start with the practice, we tend to end up in one (or more) of several errors.

We can just end up doing entirely the wrong thing because we have no idea where we’re really headed.  We can get super-honed in on one specific kind of practice, to the point that we’ve tried to make it the principle.  Or we can do the right thing, but for the wrong reason, which often backfires.

Discipline Has a Purpose

When it comes to spanking — or to Discipline in general — we have to start with the understanding that discipline has a purpose.  We don’t just discipline for the sake of disciplining.  Discipline is a means to an end, not an end in itself.  It’s a tool for accomplishing something.

What is that something?

We could probably do a whole study on all the depth and nuances of this, but for our immediate purposes, let’s just summarize:

The goal is to cause our Children to produce the “peaceable fruit of righteousness.”  (Hebrews 12:11)  To separate them from foolishness and produce wisdom instead.  (Proverbs 22:15; 29:15)  In essence, we want to guide them from “everyone did what was right in his own eyes” (biblically, “foolishness” is rooted in refusing to recognize God and His authority) to a place where they know, fear, think, and act like God.

The goal is not to produce “well-behaved” children who make us look good (although that is typically a side effect).  How do I know this?  Because discipline is an act of love (Proverbs 13:24; Hebrews 12:7ff), and love “is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

The Heart of the Matter

With that foundation laid, we can get to the heart of the matter.  If the purpose of spanking is to dissuade a child from foolishness/ungodliness and help train them to live uprightly/act wisely, then it is only beneficial to the extent and within contexts in which it’s actually working toward that.  With spanking, specifically, our family limits that to instances of overt defiance/willful rebellion, because that seems to be consistent with how God Himself operates.

All of which means that it makes no sense to spank infants.  Little babies don’t rebel against their parents.  They tell us they’re hungry, thirsty, cold, afraid, lonely, etc., but they don’t have the intellectual capacity to understand and defy instructions.  For similar reasons, we don’t spank children for things like forgetting to follow a particular rule (e.g. why are you running in the house again?), for breaking things, for making messes, etc.  There are many instances that call for training and instruction, but not for chastisement.

When Are Children Old Enough?

So when is a child old enough for spankings?  It depends on the child.  (I know, I know; I told you it was going to be less specific than some people might prefer!)

Because the ability to understand and choose to defy an instruction is a developmental matter, the age at which children reach it varies, just as every child doesn’t walk, talk, or learn to read at exactly the same age.  There’s a range.  There will be a few at the very early or very late ends of the range, and a majority somewhere in the middle.

If I’m not sure a child understood my instruction (and was able to carry it out — I hope that part goes without saying) and willfully chose to disobey it, I treat it as an occasion for teaching, not discipline.  But kids will typically give you cues.  Although these might be verbal, like a spoken “NO!” they may be non-verbal.

When you tell them to leave your drink alone, they might give you A Look before turning and reaching for it.  And if you’ve seen that Look, you know the one I mean.  It’s a “just watch me” or “what are you gonna do about it?”

My son once responded to my instruction to “look at me” by clamping his eyes shut.

That’s our threshold: the child communicated that he understood full well what was asked of him and just simply, willfully chose to do otherwise.

This rules out little babies, and provides a semi-concrete guideline for when to transition.  (I don’t have special needs children, myself, but I would think this would also serve as a good measuring stick for older kids who aren’t neurotypical.)

Alternatives and Exceptions

Remember the earlier foundation?  The purpose of discipline?  If it’s not contributing to that desired end, it’s not beneficial.  That means disciplining a child who doesn’t understand what he did wrong would be pointless.  (And harsh/cruel.  This falls under Ephesians 6’s “exasperating your children.”)

Spanking a child who’s new enough to your family to not have an established recognition that he’s safe and loved is unlikely to be beneficial.  Spanking a child whose past includes trauma that prevents him from being able to interpret a spanking as the act of love Scripture says it is will not be helpful.  Spanking a child who is, in the immediate, emotionally out of control, is rarely (if ever) helpful.  (These kids need help getting their emotions back under control so they’re “in their right minds” again.)

When it isn’t serving as a means to that God-ordained end — either for the particular child or for the particular situation — use a different tool from the parenting toolbox.  Spanking was never meant to be the be-all, end-all of parenting.  Come alongside.  Teach.  Coach.  Nurture. Instruct.  Guide.  Reprove.

We want to help them succeed, not lie in wait to catch them failing.