My Bipolar history is rich with a lot of stories, some of them funny, many of them ridiculous, and a few of them, like this one, downright scary.
On this particular afternoon, I had just finished an order of groceries that I wasn’t in the mood to start in the first place. It was a dreary Friday, cold and gray, and I was high on complaints about the universe and low on patience. I checked my rear view mirror and backed out slowly and then suddenly became aware that someone was screaming at me. A woman, who appeared to be in her late twenties, was hollering and swearing at the top of her lungs about how I was speeding like a devil and had almost left her son without a mother and did I not know I should look before I backed up? On and on and on. I apologized and said that I hadn’t seen her, which only made her angrier, and louder. I listened for another moment or two and then lost my temper and spewed out a string of expletives, just as the executive director of a social service agency connected to some volunteering I do walked past my car. Excellent moment in my life.
Still fuming, I took some deep breaths in an unsuccessful attempt to calm down and let her vehicle pull in front of me. When we had to stop at the world’s longest red light, I made the genius decision to put my car in park, slam my door, and stomp angrily right up to her window. Round two began. I tried saying I was sorry, that I regretted scaring her, asking her why she was so furious. Her huge boyfriend sat in the seat trying to make himself invisible while she worked herself back up into a rage and my blood started to boil once again. If not for the light turning and the cars behind us starting to honk, we would probably have continued yelling at each other, or worse.
It wasn’t until much, much later that I realized she could have been carrying a gun (not usual but not unheard of in Canada), or a knife. She could have chosen to come out of her car as well, and physically attacked me, as could her boyfriend, who was enormous. I had at that point not reported the encounter to the police so it would have been completely my word against hers, with only the accounts of eye witnesses listening through their closed windows and annoyed at being held up at a light.
How utterly stupid and crazy that decision was. What’s scariest about it is that it wasn’t a decision at all, but something I did without any forethought, almost as if on instinct. I have always been impulsive, especially when Angry, when any thinking is difficult, and critical thinking is virtually impossible.
Today, I would handle that situation so much differently. I would apologize once, and drive off. I wouldn’t engage such an angry person, wouldn’t escalate the situation by swearing, and wouldn’t dream of approaching a strange car with a hostile person inside. I shudder every time I think of that afternoon and thank my lucky starts and my Higher Power that nothing worse happened.
If you struggle with anger issues, and many of us who are bipolar do until we get effective treatment, please find a way to address them. You are not a bad person, and you do not need to feel ashamed, but sometimes your anger can cause you to make rash decisions that place your personal safety in very real jeopardy. A deep breath, a walk around the block, of simply stepping away from an unresolvable problem can save your pride and could, in extreme cases, end up saving your life. Being angry is human. Being really angry is really human, and really bipolar. But being calm and rational is so much better. And so, so much safer.
