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I am sorry for not loving you

Tags: school money

I was there when you were just a boy laying at night giving yourself a promise that it’s not over, when you grow up you will change things because grownups have all the power.
I was there when you first fell in love with a girl. Number 6 is still your favorite number till this day cusz that’s how many letters has her name. I experienced what you felt when your hands touched hers by mistake.

I felt your shame when your parents ashamed you during your birthday at School. I was there when your classmates threaten to take your class gifts away from you if you don’t trade with them.

I felt your continued shame throughout your early school years. I know how hard you tried to be a better student but you always failed.

I saw your sacrifice when you got into fights at school and chose to be beaten up cusz u didn’t want to hurt your opponent.
I felt your pain when you got bullied every day.

I felt sorry for you when your wallet would always get stolen. You just weren’t meant to have one till you found one on the bus full of monies. Two thousand was crazy Money for 10 year old. Being you, you gave all that money to your mom and only kept two dollars in ur countries money. That wallet is still with you. The only wallet that you ever had.

I was there when your grandfather died. I remember how hurt you were when they opened the casket and you saw him laying there all lifeless. You tried to hide your feelings so you left the room, went outside and just started crying and running. I ran with you while crying. I remember exact promise you made to yourself.” Never to love anyone ever again”. I was listening to every word you said to your dead grandfather at his funeral. You kept talking and talking to him nonstop for two days straight. You hated yourself for falling asleep because you knew you have wasted those last precious minutes that you had with him. I was there when you sat with your cousin afterwards, who was like a sister to you, knowing that this was exact moment where your childhood ends.

I felt your happiness about moving to a new country. You where excited because you thought you can run away from everything you ever was. No more bullying, no more being a looser kid at school. It was a new you. For the first time in your life you felt like a winner.

I saw your enormous ambition once you got here. It was the biggest ambition I have ever known. Nothing could stop you. You became honor roll student. Even lack of English wasn’t a barrier for you. You kept on going on foot around the town till you found a job at age 15. You didn’t have the phone, didn’t speak in English but your effort was so enormous that you made your boss drive to your house to offer you your first job.

I was there when you would fall asleep on the floor doing your homework, there was no furniture or bed at first. Your body would just shut itself down from enormous stress and tiredness.

Word hard wasn’t in your dictionary. I was there when you would go to the bathroom at work just so you can sit on the toilet and cry from being tired and missing your grandfather. Every day was a war for you and you truly lived up to the meaning of your name.

I was there throughout those years when the loss of your grandfather wouldn’t go away. There were days when you wished your dream lasted a bit longer just so you can be closer to him. I know you secretly keeping him alive till this day…

I was so fucking proud of you when you being 17 years old became a kid with $10k in your bank account. That was one of the greatest achievement of all cusz you earned that money by getting paid $7 per hour. You excelled at your work and became a leader who led by example…

I felt your enormous loneliness. Even here you couldn’t fit in because of your different values. All you did was work and go to school because great achievements take everything you have in you.

I was there when eventually you got extremely depressed. You would have paid for a friendship but you had no one there for you. You had to grow up emotionally all alone. Social limitations where the ones that stood between you and complete happiness because you had money and coolest mustang gt of all.

I know now that you couldn’t understand that you where in cultural shock. No matter how cool is to move to a new country but assimilation is a bitch!

I seen how you got completely destroyed by learning the hardest lesson of all. You lost $40k(buying non existent equity and online work at home scams) I was there that morning when you woke up and silently gave up on your dreams.

I felt the hurt that made you to completely give up. You quit your first job and soon after energy drink overdose caught up.

I was scared that you will die, this happen twice to you, irregular heart beat, second time they actually had to shock your heart to correct the rythm and it was related to your alcohol abuse(first time energy drinks)…….


This post first appeared on Alcohol Recovery Blog – "Just Because There's No, please read the originial post: here

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I am sorry for not loving you


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