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Setting boundaries makes me feel guilty

So I been coughing and Shit lately nothing serious till one night I just woke up all fucked up in the middle of the night around 2am. I work from 8 am. My throat was all soar and shit, cold and hot flushes, sounds like flu. Got some tea and stuff, it kind of helped me although I didnt take any medications because I felt like my blood pressure was running high, bit of heart racing and that crazy painful headache…Medication usually raise your blood pressure so why to fuck your body even more especially when I have done that for over 6 years constantly abusing alcohol. I am pretty sure I have shortened my life.

Anyways, I was foolishly hoping that it will pas by the morning which supposed to be in like 5 hours. I was wrong, I woke up all dizzy and feeling same if not worst. I tried to call off which totally reminded me my past. Just not long time ago I used to drink a lot and the only reason why I would call off from work was, you guessed it right, is my unbelievable hangovers. So trying to call off triggered in me the anxiety which I used to have while hungover and the new one as well. I automatically felt guilty as fuck. To make things even more complicated, my work, since I am new, they haven’t given me a Number to call. So I called the main number which how I found out did nothing for me cusz its a franchise and you need to have the owners or the places number.

Thankfully I live like only 15 minutes away. I know right? So I drove there. Yeah, my guilt was growing and now I had to put myself in this stupid situation you know, saying oh I dont think I can work today because I feel dizzy and Sick. I tried to sound sick, I dont know why. . My throat hurt so badly I could barely speak.

I got a day off. I assume high pressure, still having acid problems too really made the flu emotionally exhausting because it felt almost like a hangover I used to have pretty much every day. I was anxious the whole time. It was a powerful reminder for me what I used to go through almost every single day. Hell. My fear of Drinking ever again now is bigger then ever. I will not lie that it kind of makes me feel panicky. I think being all the time under influence of alcohol helped me to never realize all the risks that I was talking health wise.

So my work supposed to call me back, I asked them because I didn’t have their number. I Fucking swear it must be sum fucking golden number. I left mine to one of the guys. They never fucking called me back. If they did I would have definitely called off the next day, it was Friday and I am off on weekends so its a lot of time to try to nurse yourself back to health.

I was feeling just a little bit better the next day and since I wasn’t able to phone them I went to fucking work. Feeling like shit and having to deal with the anxiety of hangover that flu has triggered in me working was fucking torture. I was taking things very slow and 2 hours at the time because every two hours there is a break. Learned that from alcoholics anonymous, one day at the time or if its too much just hour, minute or second at the time.

After half hour lunch break just couldn’t take it anymore. Once you let your body rest quietly which I did, in my car, I became much more aware of all the pain I was feeling. Shit got intense needless to say. I think its mostly because of the anxiety that I was feeling.

I had to ask myself where do I draw the line? At this point what level of torture is acceptable? I know in my drinking days this would have been just one of those very bad hangovers where I stop drinking for two days afterwards. I think thats the reason why I feel so guilty, part of me knew that I could go through all the pain and finish my workday, I done that all the time(hangovers), but part of me was: “but I am different now”. Old me: “Whats wrong with being in pain its not like I cant take a little more? After that, its like, I took a little more, being just more in pain wont really make any difference…” Thats how I used to think with drinking. No boundaries whatsoever. There is no end till I would either pass out or the liquor store would close. This old thinking is still in me till this day with everything I do.

Recovery is about learning new ways and one of them is loving and respecting your body. Its not okay to be sick like that and torture yourself. There needs to be a boundary. Maybe if I had this boundary at the beginning I would have stopped drinking sooner. Because being sick every day in form of hangover is not ok. Its not a normal thing how I used to think. My obsession with alcohol was so great that I thought its ok to vomit in the mornings, not big deal of being sick every day. Instead I would be amazed that I never get sick because feeling shitty was a normal for me.

It was hard. I am full of guilt. Two and a half hours left till work end, I asked to be excused. Knowing that there are no boundaries for me, I am willing to work till I pass out from pain, I set my first serious boundary. It was boundary of “its not okay to be in pain and I need to respect my body”. Self loving is hard especially for me who used to abuse himself all this time. Now that i am in recovery I need to learn all these little things, they are important if I am planning on achieving long term sobriety.

This post first appeared on Alcohol Recovery Blog – "Just Because There's No, please read the originial post: here

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Setting boundaries makes me feel guilty


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