This is the exact moment where I would be so happy to get wasted right now and I mean wasted. I would just quickly go to my car and drive to the liquor store. Grab bunch of beer. Probably like 24 bottles. Hey, today is Saturday Night. But thats not the reason why I want to drink. I meant to say today is Saturday night because I have one day tomorrow which will be Sunday to spend whole day trying to get over my hangover.
I want to drink right now because of this sinking feeling of loneliness in me. It hurts. Even though my mother is in the next room watching tv. I honestly think I am a looser. I feel like life is passing me by and just because I am single. Omg, you Fucking serious? At this point its not even a fuck but I miss whole spooning thing and having someone sleeping next to me. I was only in one long term relationship others just……. AM I fucking cursed or something? Its just this sinking feeling….
I always pretend to be someone but moments like these where I meet true me. Hey, hello there. Its true you, ahhh and it fucking hurts. I never been happy with the looks of someone I dated. I mean there were a couple times where I was asked out by hot girls that looked good enough but I always tried to seek out the most damaged and worst people due to my insecurities. I am a fucking control freak, Maybe not as bad as I think I am but I am too insecure.
Those 24 bottles of beer would really help me to wash the pain away. My self esteem was kind of damaged when I did online dating thing in my teenage years. I had money. I worked hard, I had cool car but I could never pick up a girl. Hey and I am not even that bad looking, an average…. I Guess my accent could be really a yes or no thing.
I do have someone showing attention but…idk lol I just think I am too messed up. We went out once but..idk she never Texted me afterwards and I never texted her either. Too bad we work together. In the way I dont understand I think she is bummed out that I haven’t texted her. I had a fucking nice talk with my other co-worker who said something stupid why I didnt talk to her. I am starting to laugh my ass off right now. I cant believe this shit is actually cheering me up. Its very dumb because before we even went out there were already rumors of me liking her but I havent done anything towards that. I was surprised because I think she fucking likes me. At least she was very happy when we went out, she even wanted to go somewhere to eat afterwards. She said do you want to stop grab some food before we go and I though. I thought wtf is she talking about. I thought she wants to stop at walmart. I was confused and then it hit me. Duh? Its been hard to work wit her because I am fucking possessive. I been jelly so many times ever since and she caused very bad mood swings for me. She texts wit other guys but it seems to me its just a smoke. She even told me how sometimes she just copy and pastes same message and shit.
My little voice tells me that I can own her, but I know better. I cant do that. I am trying really hard here to not invade her personal space. She can do whatever she wants, fuck whoever she likes and its not any of my business. I guess biggest problem here is that she doesn’t have it, the look. I do not require model, sorry if I sound like that but I am tired of settling for fixer upper girls with not it looks. I think thats what is helping me to control myself and not try to charm the shit out of her and take so called control over her. I know I am mean and too judgemental, I am sure I am ugly as fuck, probably uglier then her.
I guess it hurts cusz she has a list of thirsty guys. Thats where I get jelly but deep down I have a tiny feeling she likes me, but then I ask myself why am I even jelly if I don’t truly like her? Its really hard for me to talk because I dont trust myself and I dont know whether what I feel/think is true, basically I am not sure whether my instincts are right.
Actually I need to take my time and appreciate this because if I was still in my drinking addiction I would have never made a connection with anyone simply because I wouldn’t care to take time to go out anywhere, drinking was always the first thing. I just dont know what not texting thing is..Is this power play or what?
I know she would make me happy. Thats even more conflicting. My co worker told me way before this whole thing that the girl I went out likes me probably cause I am mean. I guess in the way I am chaotic. I know the other guy in my place would have texted her with all the bullshit “oh I had great time with you today” after she dropped him off but instead I not only didnt text her but I kept my distance from her at work.
Is that what is like to have relationships while living sober? It drives me crazy cusz its unknown. I want to know but at the same time i am too insecured and scared. I am glad that I had the guts admit it to myself. I guess that’s the start.