I remember how long it took me to wrap my head around the fact that I had self-hatred. I kept rationalizing that I thought of myself as a good person. I didn’t accept it until I read the ACA Red Book about my hatred coming from not being able to heal my family of origin while I was a child. Even though I came to recovery 5 years before my dad quit drinking, I was still carrying around those original feelings of worthlessness. I guess I had quite a Messiah complex.
These deep-rooted faulty self-concepts kept me looking for people to “save” for almost 70 years. Talk about a slow learner and a hard head. I believe these self concepts added to my depressive personality from my childhood. If you carry the weight of the family on your shoulders, it is hard to lighten up and let life flow. Responsibility is a wonderful quality to have but over-responsibility kept me from becoming all I could be.
From WellbeingAlignment: “The Superego–Breaking Free of a False God”:
Breaking free of the superego is absolutely essential for all of us who want to align with wellbeing, joy, love and freedom. Do you know how much of your life force and freedom to move forward is being subconsciously squelched by an internalized “parent”? We can be fooled into thinking that this Voice is coming from God / Creator, but it is actually a voice we’ve made into a false god.
This inner voice usually instills fear in us as we venture out of our comfort zones, when we are guided to expand beyond our current view of “reality.” It can come up when you are simply moved to take care of yourself, or when you feel the desire to make more money, expand your horizons, or follow the life path of wellbeing your heart has been guiding you to follow.
It is shocking to realize that we may be unconsciously held back by this false god – and the fear it uses to control us – more than any other thing! It is my feeling that the inner conflict between the voice of the superego and our true heart’s desire is the source of all the variations of neurosis we human beings experience.
We need to bring awareness to this part of our psyche so that it isn’t running the show. Initially it may have been helpful for us in some ways when we were children. However, for most of us as adults, it is NOT serving our higher purpose, and it is NOT the wise voice of truth or God that it can fool us into thinking it is.
Read more here.
I write often about what helped me to learn about my inner child, inner parent, and inner adult: Transactional Analysis.