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Feeling rubbish

Mr IVF asks me if I am free on the first weekend of Feb. I'm supposed to be teaching a class but the client hasn't confirmed so I doubt I will be working I say. Ok he says. Mr IVF sends me a meeting invitation to visit some Northern friends that weekend.

I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know how the Gonal F is going to affect me and I don't want to have to keep the Gonal F in their fridge and face lots of questions when Mr IVF hasn't even told them we are doing IVF.

I think it's best we don't go but I don't want to stop Mr IVF seeing his friends. I don't say no or yes but sound negative about going, hoping that he senses that I don't think it's a good idea and that it would be better to stay home and support me if I'm not feeling too good or hormonal which is highly like given I'm going to be pumped up with hormones.

Instead Mr IVF takes my negativity in the complete opposite direction and gets defensive. I tell him I don't think it's a great idea because I don't know how I will be feeling. He says, 'fine, it's probably best if you don't come'. 'Fine', I say, furious. I go and potter in the bathroom stewing in fury and annoyed that he can't see my point.

I go back into his office where he is working and say I think he is being totally insensitive and I'm not going anywhere. It's left at this and Mr IVF goes to work.

I go to the gym to try and process why I'm so annoyed and upset. I'm upset because he hasn't thought about me (he says - I asked you if you were available! - I din't say yes or no). I just wish that he had thought about my needs first. I wish he'd thought 'well I don't think it's a good idea to travel up the country whilst Mrs IVF is having these hormone injections because she might not be feeling well and I i'd like to be around to support her and make sure she is ok'. Why didn't he think that? Given this is a difficult time for me I only want to share my social time with close family and friends. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I try to talk to him when he comes home from work. I say I don't think I made my point clear this morning. He says 'oh you made it very clear, clear as day'. He's obviously angry with me - I have no idea why and I don't understand why there is such a lack of compassion or understanding for the person who supposedly is the most important person in his life. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I'm not, I certainly don't feel like it right now.

I try to explain that it's not that I don't want to go - it's just I don't think the next 3-4 weeks is a good time because I don't know how the hormones are going to affect me and I'd prefer to be in my own environment. Mr IVF points out that I've been fine so far. But actually I've had been in a perpetual state of hot flushing, starting to get more and more headaches - today's was migraine like, feeling slightly nauseous, and of course there's the bleeding which isn't much fun. So although I am dealing with all of this without problem I am experiencing changes. Whereas he is not experiencing any bodily or emotional changes. He also points out that we need to make an effort socially. This maybe true, but does it really have to be now? I am just asking that we don't do anything in February,that is all. Reschedule for March. He still looks angry with me.

He goes on to say he thinks I'm being difficult on purpose (wtf?!) because I don't want to go. I say I just want to chill out and take it easy over the next few weeks. 'You have the easiest life of anybody I know' he retorts. The fury boils inside me, I just don't get why he doesn't seem to care about how I feel, and why he's saying these awful things to me. All I want is for him to put me first during this time. He says I'm turning into a big deal. Well it is a big deal. We've made a life changing decision to go ahead and try to have children. How is that not a big deal? He gets ready to go out (playing squash) and I sit on the sofa gritting my teeth, tears streaming.

He comes over to say goodbye and sees how upset I am. I try to explain again that I'm not being difficult, this is how I feel and when he says things like 'you have the easiest life of anybody I know' it makes me feel like he thinks I'm lazy and fills me with self-doubt. He sits there and asks if I'm ok, hugs me. I say yes. He goes to play squash. I sit on the sofa and cry out of frustration because I still think he just thinks I'm being difficult.

He phones from squash and asks if I'm ok. I say yes but am still crying. I'm not sure if I am. He says we'll have cuddles when he gets home and asks if I need anything. I don't, I'm fine I say.

He comes home from squash and I'm watching Celebrity Big Brother, he sits and watches too but doesn't touch me. We go to bed (still no bodily contact - no cuddle) and he rolls over. Five minutes pass and I have to ask what happened to the cuddle we were going to have. He rolls towards me and holds me. I feel a bit better and go to sleep.

This post first appeared on Mrs IVF, please read the originial post: here

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Feeling rubbish


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