30 weeks into my life with depression, I have plateaued.
I have no clue as to what is next. It could be I am consolidating what I have learned, assessing what is working and then steeling myself for the next leg up.
Or, I am nearer to the abyss than I have been in months, and all I need is a triggering event to throw me head long into that rabbit hole of doom and despair.
Now that sounds dramatic.
It sounds like “all or nothing” thinking. I get that. But still, not moving forward right now makes me question what I am doing. There is plenty of scientific and empirical evidence that Recovery is not linear, it is not a straight line. I have seen that already. And as I stop to think about it, I have the tools to help me with this Plateau.
The biggest tool in my toolkit for this is WRAP, my wellness recovery action plan.
This has helped me on more than one occasion already. When I was trying to understand my road rage, I used my WRAP plan to help me see the underlying issues and resolve them, so I was no longer getting worked up over other people’s driving.
This made a huge difference in my attitude when I arrived at my destination.
Before working on this, I would internalize all that anger and frustration about what I perceived as people’s inability to understand the difference between the gas and the brake pedals. Combine that with the occasional tractor, with bales of hay in tow, and I was a mess.
But just like the last time this was an issue (when I was dealing with NJ drivers) once I recognized that I could control my reaction to the situation, I was able to let it roll of my back and I was much more calm and arrived at my destinations in much better moods, not carrying that anger
As the speed of my recovery feels like it is slowing, I am concerned about going backwards.
So much of what I have accomplished is because I fear a relapse. I am terrified of going back to that “up against the wall” feeling. There were no options I could see that in anyway made me feel confident that there was going to be a positive outcome.
Now I believe I my heart that I have tools to help me in my recovery.
Read: Depression is sneakier than I thought
The more I look, the more help, support, and actionable tools I find to help me. This is empowering as I move towards a more balanced life. Getting to a plateau has given me a view of where I have been. This perspective gives me great comfort and makes me happy.
Then I turn and look up from the plateau and see the work that is yet to be done.
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