I cannot put my finger on it.

Today has been Blah. Not overly bad, not overly good, just blah. My to-do list was long.

The self-care part for me was to be outside, on the front porch, drinking my coffee, no cell phone, no laptop, just me and nature. That part of the day was relaxing. After that, I worked my list.

 I did manage to get the Trash and recycling to the landfill today. We pay $2 to dump a 50-gallon trash can. I have a book of tickets and the attendant in the trailer at the landfill checks out my load, tears off the ticket and lets me in.

We do not pay to bring recycling to the landfill. This includes cardboard, glass, aluminum, metal cans, junk mail, milk containers, drink bottles (no caps), and #2-#7 misc. plastic. Each one has its own dumpster to toss it into. It took me a few months to get the hang of how to store the different recyclables at home to make it easier to sort them out at the landfill.

I also invested in a commercial grade blue recycling container for the kitchen.

In the kitchen, everything goes in the blue recycling bin. When I take the bin outside, I sort each material into its separate bin or trash can. When the trash container gets full, its time to load up the recycling. Everything goes, regardless of how much I have. The trash can will fill up every other week, on average.

My dog usually rides along because she loves to look at the vultures that congregate around the trash area of the landfill. Today she was hanging out in the back yard and I wasn’t up to wrangling her to go with me. I am sure she would have enjoyed the vultures.

Another thing I did today was finally load my work email onto my phone.

The first week I was back, I had tried several times to do it and kept getting an error message. So, I stopped trying. I would read my Email as soon as I got in and check it several times during my shift. But today, I needed to follow up on something and needed to see it in my work email.

This time, I was able to get it set up.

It is not a bad thing to have access to my work email. But it is a distraction when I am off. It will take some getting used to again. Not being in as senior a position this time, I do not feel as compelled to be glued to my work email. My boss has texted me when he needs me, so I feel like he is ok with how connected I am. Now that I have the email on my phone, I feel I am giving up some control.

I got to a Peer Support meeting this afternoon. Just walking in the door usually makes me feel better.

And the reception from people I know did boost my spirits. But I also know there was a lot of pain in the room today.  One is dealing with ideas about whether life is worth living. And another is having to choose between taking the dog to the vet or getting a new outfit. Lumping additional stress onto daily living is challenging.

Knowing someone has the courage to say what they are feeling makes me proud of them. Getting thoughts and feelings out in the open can be a way to shed light on unhelpful thinking. I have finally put my depression out in front of me, no longer hiding it away, visiting it secretly so no one will suspect.

What a poor choice I had made for so many years, listening to the voice of depression that was killing me.

Finally facing it and calling its name and understanding more about how it works has taken away a lot of its power over me. I am still a work in progress, but the key for my success is to keep my depression in full view.

I am hopeful that my friend finds comfort and strength in getting this voice out in the open. I really believe that he is very courageous. He trusted each of us as he shared his thoughts. I am so proud of him. My thoughts are with him even now as he faces his future.

A few weeks ago, I had a day worse than this. Old, self-destructive thoughts had popped into my head. I was scared that day I was going into relapse. I could see the edges of the abyss and was certain it was only going to be a matter of time before I was in the depths of despair. But the very next day, the thoughts were gone.

And I have not had a suicidal thought in the past four or five weeks.

And for the record, I am not having them today. I continue to focus on my thinking and not “shoulding on myself.” I don’t wallow around in what could have been, but rather I focus on what can I do today to move forward. I am not as panicked today about how I feel, for it is a natural part of being alive.

Now if three or four days from now, I am still feeling blah, let’s talk.

With my wellness recovery action plan filled out, I have a roadmap to help keep me from going off the road. The highs aren’t as high, but the lows are defiantly not as low. This is comforting and gives me a sense of confidence that I will be able to work through these blah days without going into the abyss.

Getting to the end of my list while the sun was still shining should have given me a sense of accomplishment, of satisfaction. But again, it was just ok, not happy, not sad, just ok. I was able to go on a walk with our dog late in the day. She had a grand time letting us know where the rabbits had been. Watching her was fun, I guess.

There is a tropical depression off the coast, which will probably stay out to sea. Heading north, this will pass our latitude tomorrow and the sun will return for the rest of the week. Maybe it is only a change in barometric pressure I need to put the blahs in the rearview mirror.

What do you do when you are feeling blah?