I think it’s about time I actually update you all on…well…my life I guess. So; in the last few months I’ve started a new job, I hit some new personal bests at Crossfit, I’ve also spent a few nights eating WAY TOO MUCH, and of course I’ve been dating someone…like I told you a few months back. Some of you might already have figured it out or seen it on my Facebook page, but I AM back with Aaron, and I’m very happy I’m with him, I really am. He makes me smile even when I’m feeling really low, which brings me to my next point.
Do you ever just look at yourself and feel complete and utter disappointment? This month I’ve actually even at some points just completely avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I feel so much hatred towards my Body it’s close to unbearable. I know not many of you will understand, some of you are gonna laugh at me and just say “stop eating junk, go on a diet, exercise…then you’ll lose weight”. I have in the past been the person thinking this about others. I never actually believed a medication could make it that difficult to lose weight, or should I say I never believed a medication could actually make me gain a ton of weight. And now it has. Now it has, and I’ve done both eating too much junk at times and I’ve been super healthy. Both whilst exercising regularly I should point out also. Either way I go, I just keep on getting fatter. Some days I have unbearable cravings for food, cravings I’ve never ever experienced. Other days I’m able to eat well. I actually ate well for a good 2-3 weeks, really well, and you know what happened? I stayed at the exact same weight. I dropped my Calorie Intake to half of what I was eating prior and nothing happened. This is me, Jess, who before Christmas and partly after, before starting this medication, could eat 2250kcals and maintain the same weight and feel good. Now, even when I do eat junk my calorie intake rarely goes beyond 1500 calories (I’m not saying it doesn’t, it definitely does at times). Most good days I’d say I average around 1200kcals. And I just keep gaining weight. And I’m fed up. And it hurts so damn much. I hate my body at the moment. I hate the way I look…I can deal with my legs, they’re bog standard, but my stomach, my face. I can’t deal with it.
I just feel embarrassed wherever I go. I keep telling myself it’s my fault, it’s my fault I’m fat and it’s my fault I’m not happy in my body anymore. I’m always telling people to love them self just as they are, but I can’t take my own advice, instead I sit here completely and utterly mortified at the body I have.
So there’s that. And it’s pretty much the only reason I can put to my feeling low. My new job is amazing, I love all 4 of my new team, they’re all so helpful and incredible and I’m so looking forward to working with them for however long this journey becomes, I’m so looking forward to all the exciting places this journey might take me to. The fact I love this job helps me keep going, the girls make me laugh and I always go home feeling better than I did when I arrived.
Then Aaron, I’m so so happy we got back together, it’s mine and his business so I’m not going into detail, but all I can say is the time apart did us both good, and gave us the space we needed to evaluate the issues and hurdles we had to overcome.
So life is…I don’t know…just life. There’s good and bad, I’m struggling like crazy but I’ve not given in. I may have needed a few days doing absolutely nothing, but I’m getting back on top of it all now. The new job was definitely a good move, and the choices I’m making seem to be more sensible for sure, it’s just a time of struggle at the moment, simply a time of struggle, which I know I will overcome, however hard it may be, as I always do. Having aaron, my friends and my family by my side just helps it be that bit more bearable.