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An idiot's guide to Japan.

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An idiot's guide to Japan.


Shin Dai Nippon Fusen Fuukyouuu Minshushugi Keizaiteki Happy Happy Kawaii Evilru Taishū Bunka Teikoku
New Pacifist Democratic Economic Popular Culture Empire of Japan


Coat of Arms

Motto: BANZAI!
Anthem: Pokemon Theme" by Nintendo.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Japan.
私はオスカー=ワイルドです (Watashi Wa Osuka Wairudo Desu)
Oscar Wilde in Japanese Conversation Class


Japan is the nation that is on the other side of the world, if you live in America. It's that one that isn't China. If you live in China, it's quite close. If you live in Japan, just look out of the window.

ヒストリイー Hisutorii (History)

The history of Japan includes samurai, ninja, Mt. Fuji, anime, porn, bonsai trees, and geisha. Through paintings, written records, and other archaeological artifacts, historians have been able to piece together what Japanese life may have been like. Amazingly, it consisted of dinosaur rearing, tentacle agriculture and ancient astronauts. Confusionism from China was introduced to Japan via Korea late in the 3rd century AD. Bukkake first appeared on the Japanese mainland in the latter part of the 5th century AD. Despite the fact that many Japanese history books extol the virtues of collective jizzlobbing by native inhabitants of Nihon, ancient pottery found in modern day Disneyland suggest that Japanese businessmen and their daughters first learned Bukkake from California hippies during their summer excursions abroad. To this day, young Japanese girls spreading their forays in this delicate art, which they call "HappyHappyCameraFun!!!" to the four corners of the internet. The Japanese liked to ramble on with war and take everything from other countries nearby them, such as culture and potties. But do not worry, because the Japanese give back to these countries by raping them even more.

The Japanese claim that they are 1,000,000,000 BCE ye ol' people (and possibly more). The Japanese also like to bitch about how their neighboring countries such as Korea and China stole many, many of their cultures back in ancient times and World War II. They were generated by some ye ol' gods who formed the weird, sea-horse shaped island with magic salt from some dried up prune. The ye ol' gods, called kami, liked sea-horses and liked to devour them, so they created an island with few people now known as the Japanese. Every now and then, Japan sinks into the sea, which means that the kami guys are slowly devouring their precious sea-horse island. The Japanese take pride in their history, and deny any sort of nonsense talk about the ye ol' ancient Koreans and Chinese immigrating to their land and shaping their country up to tip-top shape with developed technology and arts in the harsh ancient times.

Japan endured a brief period of foreign rule during the 17th century when the shogunate was toppled by squirrels.
Japan is famous for complex social etiquette that doesn't make much sense but somehow people like it and follow it anyhow, originating from when Emperor Sudoku introduced the Chinese nine-rank system and forbade courtiers from standing in the same row, column, or box as any other courtiers of the same rank. This made nocturnal sexual liaisons difficult (unless one had a Genji Glove) as everyone had to move in a concerted fashion, much as in a sliding number puzzle. Mikado of Gilbert and Sullivan employed ridiculous rhymes against which Japanese poets were defenseless. The Emperor always won. If you went against everything that the Emperor told you to do, you were going to be attacked by swordy ninjas and anime porno characters every night. The Japanese mothers, afraid that their children would be raped by the Emperor's raping minions, told them that the Japanese Emperor was always the greatest and that he was god. The children, believing this, took their mothers' advices in the most honorable way by always obeying the Emperor to the extreme and eating up all the crappy Japanese propagandas. The children also hated other races because their Emperor told them too.

Japan has been, until recently, a largely agricultural economy; staple crops include rice, wheat, barley and miso. Most of these can be bought from vending machines which is pretty pricey. You can find these delicious diet staples at the Harajuku district, where Gwen Stefani lives with her magical harajuku girls who are -in her rotting eyes and brain- invisible.

These Japanese girls were the first Japanese ambassador when Portuguese merchants arrived in Japan around 500 years ago.

Portuguese Christian missionaries came to Japan in the 17th century. The Japanese were offended by Portuguese, which they regarded as a poor substitute for Spanish, and sent Hello Kitty to ejaculate the Portuguese from Japan in the most sexually offending way.

Japan began a period of isolationism until US Navy commodore Matthew C. Perry arrived aboard the famous Black Ships. Japan: "No Perry, I don't think I'm ready. There's no rush is there? I mean we both love each other; isn't that enough for the moment?". Perry was drunk and the only thing on his mind was opening up those beautiful long slender Japanese trade routes. He replied, "Oh, that's okay. I just thought, if you really loved me, you would do this for me." Japan blushed and looked away, leaving the truth unspoken between them. Perry left, intent on returning next year to "just stick it in" and not deal with "all this emotional bullshit and crap". He liked that. Oh yeah, he did.

Matthew C. Perry, Americas favorite rapist and star of the hit show "Friends".

Perry returned on February 15, 1854, badly drunk, and he shoved a long hard black ship into Japan and they had a good time thrusting before he came on her face in the 1854 Convention of Kanagawa.

Japan, like other nations, has entered into a number of conflicts in the past, most recently World War II. In the 1930's, Japan attempted to turn Southeast Asia into an amusement park that would imitate Hell featuring natives in the role of the damned. The empire of Japan entered into a flurry of mad conquests with their national favorite Hello Kitty and anime porno characters, Their main form of attack consisting of wearing huge goggles and pulling orgasmic faces whilst flying tampon-shaped (or dildos, whichever they liked to pick) planes over large stretches of land and sea doing Kamikaze (a type of sexual harassment ritual in Japan) in an effort to piss off absolutely everyone into submission. The Imperial Japanese Army defeated colonial military forces in Southeast Asia with heavy casualties on both sides. IJA conscripts were all gays to save the trouble of "comfort women". Japanese soldiers found themselves irresistibly attracted to native men and many of these Japanese soldiers' wives had to cuff them to a tree branch in order to make them resist (and this is where the cuff/sex thing came from). Indescribable things took place. When news reached the USA, the puritans decided to put an end to this.

Japanese forces in the Pacific were wiped out by an all-star cast including Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. In 1945, the USA bombed Hirosammich and Niggasaki using atom bombs that killed so many Japanese. The Japanese people still talk about this to this day, but all they are really wanting are sympathy from Amerika and other-less-important-but-still- important Euro-nations. The Japanese ignore what they've done to many of their Prisoners of War, captured Koreans, Chinese, Vietnamese, Fillipinos, etc., etc. The Japanese then became peace-loving businessmen making affordable automobiles, consumer electronics, pocky, colored TV, pollution, Hello Kitty anal love beads, and anime porn.

China and Korea continued to demand a formal apology - during WWII, six-legged vaginas with tentacles were created by Japan and given as 'gifts' overseas. Tragically, they went "berserk" and raped at least 20,000,000 people to death.

WWII is given a somber and objective treatment in Japanese history textbooks. You don't want to read it while you sit on one of those magical Japanese toilets that cleans and flushes itself while butt raping you. The textbook itself will rape you as well.

ガバメント Gabamento (Government and politics)

The Japanese flag holds the Guinness World Record for World's Second Most Burned Flag.

The first most burnt flag is, of course, the American.
The Japanese government consists of five members in a governing senate. They are dressed in traditional attire, consisting of tights in various colors and a modern helmet with a plastic or metal plate of some sort that covers the face. The record of their history is known as sentai. One of them is designated their leader, and usually clad in red, but this can vary according to rules of succession. In times of crisis and martial law, they take part in defending the country. Only the most elite warriors may be assigned this task. They pilot one large robot each, capable of fusing with others to form Megazord (previously Voltron). The leader's robot is usually more powerful, or larger, but that fact usually does not play a role in battle. Plans are underway to reduce the governing body to three members and rename the robot GekiToja - proposed slogan: "Shine on! Mighty Municipal Guardian 5! We rokuuu!!!"

This governing system has influenced those of other countries (ex. France Five in France, Power Rangers in U.S.A.).

For the day-to-day fighting of evil, Japan has a police force consisting primarily of an extensive magical girl program.

The legislative branch of the Japanese government is known as the Diet because of its role in selecting foods; these foods are then used to settle civil disputes through elaborate "kitchen battles".

There are also contemporary theories which posit that evil whaling-videogame conglomerate Kona-Mi, oft-criticized for its ruthless draining of the planet's resources and for its overall evil nature, secretly controls all of Japan.

Citizens, unite! Come to the light - Makkō-Kujira (sperm whale) energy. Power is truth. Kona-Mi is the future. Real happiness can be found in obedience to the company.
Recent statement on NOK TV
People, please ignore the last sentence. Kona-Mi, Inc. does not own Japan, and does not spy on you when you are sitting on your toilet. Please go back to your normal lives.
- Love, CEO of Kona-Mi, Inc.
Addendum to TV statement
ナショナル フラッグ Nashonaru Furaggu (National Flag)

Japanese flags are, apparently, VERY tasty.

The flag of Japan is called the Hinomaru (ナプキン, Old Sanitary) and represents what an anus might come to resemble if a guy sticks into it one of the sharper rocks on Mount Fuji. The disc in the middle used to be white but that was changed when a Romanian inflatable raft, red in color, invaded the country thinking that Japan was surrendering. Since the wise men of Chelm were in the country trying unsuccessfully to persuade all anime characters to convert to Judaism, they saw this raft, figured that it had something to do with the sun, and since the Japanese worshiped the sun, they suggested that the raft be made part of the flag. The wise men of Chichibu, who were about as wise as those of Chelm, agreed. In spite of this story, some scholars believe the flag represents an obscure candy called the 'dingu-dongru' back in the ye ol' ancient Japanese times.

ロー エンフォースメント & ミリタリー Roo Enfousumento & Miritarii (Law Enforcement & Military)

Hello Kitty AR-15, Japanese army standard issue.

The Japanese military is called the Japan Self-Defense Forces (JSDF). In the event of war, the JSDF's pledge specifies that they will not attack first but will keep Koreans out of their sea-horse shaped country anyways. The JSDF maintains a high level of combat-readiness by defending Japanese cities against kaiju attacks - mostly by giant crabs which inhabit the many meteorites that fall on Japan per year. Japanese forces are trained to attack the giant crabs' weak points for massive damage. The JSDF currently consists of giant robots called Transformers, magical girls in sexy thongs and wavy wands, ninjas with kick-ass jutsu techniques, supreme martial arts champions, vampires, vampire hunters, cute bioengineered/cryptid animals, Son Goku, and space-faring bounty hunters.

Traditional weapons platforms were phased out in the 1950s due to their inadequacy in dealing with building-sized robots, demons, and mutants that threaten Japanese cities, especially Tokyo. Instead, the JSDF employs anthropomorphic giant robots, complete with human-looking faces capable of facial expressions. Bipedalism allows the robots to traverse the rugged mountain terrain in Japan - an ability of questionable usefulness in flat urban environments. The robots are piloted by teens, specifically those in the midst of puberty.

Godzilla and his friends planning to attack Japan, JSDF will defend the nation with no more than 50,000 casualties as usual.

Japan does not have a standing giant robot battalion at the moment. The robots are used as ordinary vehicles until war or a state of emergency is declared. The vehicles will then transform into robots or merge to form gigantic robots. This function is standard on all Japanese cars, motorcycles, aircraft, watercraft, and some buildings.

Those without the requisite amount of mental entropy to pilot giant robots are given support roles as magical girls. Boys accepted into this program are given sexual reassignment surgery and rebranded as futanari. Magical girls wear sailor uniforms as a homage to the legacy of the navy. They are imbued with special powers that include brief nudity while transforming into a more powerful being. Easily demoralized due to their age and the fear of looking fat, they are supported by an adorable but fear-inspiring animal companion.

Characterized by their marketability and horrifying cuteness, these small animals form the moral backbone of the JSDF. They take part in all levels of combat and support, including propaganda and diplomacy. e.g. Hello Kitty is the Japanese ambassador to China. But quite a few high-ranking animals have been accused of misconduct in recent years, most notably Mashimaro for alcoholism.

Hello Kitty Armored Fighting Vehicles and japanese soldiers.

Vampires have the highest potential combat-effectiveness of all units, due to superhuman intelligence, speed, and strength; they are also invulnerable to conventional weaponry and can manipulate enemies' thoughts. Their mortal enemies are vampire hunters, who are often half-vampire also. The JSDF solves this problem by telling vampire hunters that they are actually vampires.

The anti-smoking ninjas are one of the prominent militant groups in Japan. While not allowed to kill by the code of Bushido (オウム真理教), they are authorized to accost smokers and issue smoking tickets. The default penalty for smoking in an anti-smoking ninja zone is removal of a finger, but the penalty can be commuted to a full day of unpaid labour as a hosuto.

The JSDF reportedly tried to develop a J-Pop-powered orbital directed-sound weapon, designed to play annoying songs at enemies until they surrender. The idea failed because scientists realized that people would rather kill themselves.

Lately, war broke out between Japan and the Antarctic Alliance. Japan claimed a scientific right to kill a quota of X,XXX whales in Antarctic waters. The Emperor of the penguins refused Japan's demand because killing whales in the Antarctic would lead to the collapse of the region's whale bukkake porn industry. The Japanese nuked a lolpenguin city and let PETA loose in Antarctica, wiping out many land birds, dromaeosauridae, and EBEs. The penguins responded by invading Japan, which allied itself with Greenland and Iceland. The Greenlanders scoffed, saying, "We don't even have a fucking army, how are you going to defeat us?" Then they learned penguins eat people, to which Greenland's queen said, "That is just stupid." Both Greenland and Iceland immediately surrendered. The penguins promised not to bother invading Greenland or Iceland.

At the Battle of Osaka Bay, the penguins along with their Hungarian, Bolivian and Kryptonian allies claimed victory by dressing up as Pokemon, which had a zombifying effect on the Japanese troops, following which they blew the little suckers to bits and ate them. Shocking, but not as titillating, was the Pentagon's recently announced procurement of ~13,000,000 gallons of white paint and ~2,500,000 snow uniforms.

ミリタリー Miritarii (Military)

The military of Japan is an army. Trained to shoot really small hamsters out of tvs they have protected Japan from its samurai and shogun. The current leader is Satoru Iwata. He is renowned for having lost almost all of Japan's territory to the Diet separatist army. He is now ruler of the Tokyo desert. Typical weapons of the military are Pikachu tanks, Naruto aircraft, BOJ-type cannons and the ballistic missile, "Ikan no I (遺憾の意, Expression of Regrets)".

Apparently the Japanese "Self Defense Army" (自衛隊) in Korean language is the synonym for "group of masturbationers" (自慰隊) Annually around 20,000 officers are submitted to disciplinary actions due to lewdness. At the same time, Ministry of Defense of Japan had no comments and a right-winged dude, a cartoonist self-styled onlooker, made an excuse that the phenomenon was equivalent to taking Copyright for Coffee Light.

ジオグラフィー Jiogurafii (Geography)

An island nation, Japan is isolated from its neighbors - Russia, Korea, Hyrule, Ivalice, and Mainland China by the Sea of Japan (also called the Korean Sea by rabid South Korean jingoists, like the 2002 Warcraft 3 champion Kim Jong-il, who persistently derides the console-loving Japanese who "will never understand the true beauty of even Starcraft"). This has caused Japan to form its own unique language, culture, and customs, but only after China became too large to raid every time the ninja were in a bad mood. However, these customs are viewed with disgust and suspicion by its neighbors, as they are freakish and incomprehensible, inspiring both furious masturbation and unspeakable nightmares of porn and forced sex porn.

The physical geography of Japan is characterized by upheavals and depressions. Because so much of the land mass is mountainous, 94% of the population is forced to live on mountaintops so that the limited amount of flat land can be used for cultivating indigenous monsters.

Cloud over the Japanese archipelago

Japan has a high percentage of mountainous terrain, much of which is covered by forests and woodland inhabited by a diverse variety of fauna, divided into three categories: kaibutsu, kaiju and poketto monsuta. Some are featured in videogames while others are a part of everyday life.

Tokyo Government Buildings

Lying on a fault line located on the shell of a huge deceased prehistoric turtle, Japan is vulnerable to natural disasters, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, tornadoes, avalanches and stock market crashes. The current capital city, Takeshi's Castle, has been destroyed and rebuilt by giant robots no less than 3 times. In addition, because Japan is a nation of reprobates, they are subject to a litany of non-geological disasters, such as Crustacean Based Monster Attacks, meteorites, and terrible evening dramas. God also blighted the Japanese populace with reduced height and breast size, as per the Pope's request. Said incident arose when former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi mistakenly ejaculated all over a statue of the Virgin Mary - bukkake is a standard practice in Shinto rites.

The Japanese populace and government are very focused on preserving their natural resources and environment. The effort to reuse and resell panties, in particular, is admirable and is estimated to cut usage of textiles by nearly 45% the G7 nation average (normalized). The prime importance of this initiative is evident from samplings of Japanese media and culture. The Japanese also make use of renewable energy sources such as whale oil, whereas the West uses fossil fuels which take thousands of years to regenerate, and require the invasion of Middle Eastern countries to obtain. Westerners have, in the past, hunted the tastiest species of whales, only to send them to Mars.

科学技術 Scientzu and technorogii (Science and technology)

The final evolution of the basic toilet design is popular in Japan.

Japan invented the wagon early in its history. Oh yes, they did in very brilliant fashion. But since ninjas preferred to run or fly(although a ninja named thomas was to fat to run or fly), the wheel was quickly forgotten until gaijin brought rubber tires that burned on the asphalt and vaginas to Japan in the 19th century.

The 13th century is famous for the Human Bullet Train and the jet-powered bottleship.

The history of modern Japan dates from the invention of the flush toilet. The inventor, Chisai Shittaki-Sutupedfuuker Surippa-san, was awarded the Deming Prize and is a folk hero in Japan. He is the patron saint of electronic products and large feet.

To this day it is nearly impossible for people in Japan to own a real pet. Most dogs, cats and other small creatures are no match for packs of feral ninja that lurk in wait of something. Reports have been made of robodogs being killed by ninja in Yomomma district.

Japanese R&D focuses on the high-tech multi-function sitting toilet. Nobody except the Swiss have any idea why they enjoy making toilets like Swiss-army knives, but they do. Japanese toilets are so versatile that new apartment units now consist of only a lavatory. Most coffin hotels replaced older coffins with the toilet cube – a high-tech toilet inside a cube of vitreous china. It has ~1/3 the footprint of coffins. It replaced cubicle farms in Japanese office buildings.

On a related matter, there are rumours of demon toilets that take over people's minds.

デモグラフィク Demogurafikku (Demographics)

Japan is an island country with a large male population composed almost entirely of ninjas.It is ranked as the most lecherous country in the world, where most housewives, schoolgirls, or office ladies are daily raped by old men (retired former pedophilac-ninjas) or fifty foot tentacles. In general, Japan lacks many natural resources other than perverted old men. The average height in men in Japan is 2'4", but sometimes, in the case of the sumoru wrestlersu, this can reach the impressive height of 2'8". These "Giantos" as they are known in Japan, are revered as gods among the population, and are showered with gifts on special days. They were also the inspiration for Godzilla, a movie which became a smash hit in most countries outside of Japan. But the Japanese themselves found it extremely patronising, as they felt it portrayed their sumo wrestlers as savage beasts. The Japanese are also known for not dying when they are killed. Alternatively, the Japanese are born dead, and as such, they must prove their worth to be able to live.

Rape-ninjas in Japan are bound by honour to ravish no less than 20 unfortunate females a day. (Tip: Refrain from trying to stop groping on trains, as this is generally enjoyed equally by the ninja groper and the female gropee.) Market research shows that photo-taking and video-recording devices are intensely popular with Japanese men. It is a popular stereotype among people from other countries, that most Japanese are taciturn or soulless; some doctors say that this may be due to an "abnormal ardor of blood-flow to erogenous zones" that occurs specifically among Japanese people. Japan has one of the highest rates of priapism in the world. It is seen by rape-ninjas as a commonly occurring occupational hazard. Treatment for priapism in Japan is similar to the treatment for nicotine addiction. Doctors normally prescribe softcore pornography. Few doctors, however, prescribe pulsating cobra hearts for priapism treatment. It is common to see decapitated Mongolians for sale in hospitals.

The remaining population is equally divided between lolita schoolgirls, J-popu singers, roninu samurai, pokemonu, kitsune, Erubisu impersonators, and Gundam pilots. There are more, such as the true native Japanese tribes, the ignored poor commoners back in the good ol' ancient Kamikaze-Japanru days, and decedents of many Koreans, few Chinese, and Taiwanese forcefully pulled out from their own contries long, long ago back in so many eons ago but no one gives a crap about them anyhow because the world is all just too darn ignorant. All Japanese people are capable of going Super Saiyan (just Levels 1 and 2) and destroying everything in a 1 kan radius (68,000 km). Most kids aged 14–22 look nearly the same; the only thing separating them is school uniforms and out-of-this-world haircuts (e.g. ~5 kg of goopy wax and various toilet cleaning products). All girls have tremendously nice figures and pride themselves in nothing more than providing gratuitous pantyshots at all times of day regardless of the situation. All boys have the effect of chick magnets and usually have at least 4 girls fighting over him (although a boy often looks like a girl and acts like one as well). The most common hobby of all kids in Japan is to drive around in ~150 feet-tall mecha with ULTIMA-BUSTER CHO-MEGA PARTICLE CANNONS and fight whatever POP-UP-OUT-OF-NOWHERE-BADDIES-ALIENS-WTF-CRAP happens to be lurking around. To pacify the children of Japan, the US government demanded after WWII that they spend the greater portion of their waking life watching anime to quell their rage and enter a state of eternal bliss. The Japanese are hardy folk, having developed special powers against the various monsters that plague the region.

Many people have noticed that Japanese people will often talk to each other without making a sound, but then the sounds suddenly appear when they stop talking. Do not be afraid, this is perfectly normal and Japanese.

This post first appeared on An Idiot's Guide To Life, please read the originial post: here

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An idiot's guide to Japan.


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