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Monday August 15th, 2016

I stood naked in the mirror last night ready to take a before picture to commence the start of my fit-transformation. Then while looking in the mirror all I saw was a disgusting, fat, ugly person. I started to tear up, then the first tear rolled down my left cheek and plummeted down to the old hardwood floors I was standing on. How could I let myself get like this? I'm about to be 25 and I am at my heaviest weight ever! I hate myself - I hate how I look - I hate what I have let myself become. Now sure I do get compliments that I look great and that I have nothing to be self conscious about but seriously those people need to get their eyes checked pronto. 
Then sometimes I feel I have body dis-morphia - not the typical way making me think I'm bigger then I am but I see myself smaller then I am - but only when clothed. Important people in my life - boyfriend, parents - they all make small jokes about my weight or say really mean comments about it or about what I am having to eat. But shit if I want Ice Cream you can bet your bottom dollar that I am having ice cream. I do not want to deprive myself of something I want - yet I know that comes hand in hand with moderation. 
I think I need to go see a therapist - there are many secrets that I haven't told anyone - not bad secrets just things that I have not been ready to face. But with the help of this blog I am realizing that it is not so scary to face these things. Here we go again with a list but this is the best way for me to write out what I need to talk about and this way if I forget I have it all written down here - 
1) Trichotillomania - A Disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair. I pull my hair on my head - there are very thin patches and short pieces trying to grow in but yet I keep pulling them out. That's embarrassing. 
2) Binge Eating Disorder -  an eating disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food (often very quickly and to the point of discomfort); a feeling of a loss of control during the binge; experiencing shame, distress or guilt afterwards. - I'll eat till I feel like I am going to vomit then hate myself after. I do not purge or anything like that - I hate throwing up or I'd probably do it. 
3) Social Anxiety - A chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety. When I am at work behind my desk I am so comfortable and love talking to people. I am like a social butterfly - you wouldn't even think that I had any anxiety but when I step out those doors at the end of the day it kicks into full blast - I am just a shell of who I was at work. 
4) Last but not least - Fibromyalgia -  rheumatic condition, a medical condition that impairs the joints and/or soft tissues and causes chronic Pain. This is the worst condition I have. This affects my everyday routine making every day a struggle. Most people wouldn't know that I suffer from it not because it is an invisible illness but because I hide it so well. No one would guess that at any moment of the day I am holding down my own vomit from coming up from being in so much pain. No one would know that it feels like I am being run over by a truck over and over again, and no one would know that while typing this I am biting my inner lip so hard from pain in my hands that it is starting to bleed. No one would ever guess. 
I am just a woman with a bunch of secrets that I have kept in for many many many years refusing to let them out, scared about what people may think. But fuck it who cares anymore, I'm going to be 25 and its about time I LOVE myself. So I need to be honest, brave and have the courage to accept that I do have some issues I need to work out but I need to have the determination to work though them no matter how tough life can be. I belive in myself - I am a fighter. 

  stay humble, stay peaceful, and always stay hopeful 


This post first appeared on Always Hopeful, please read the originial post: here

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Monday August 15th, 2016

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