Continued from part 12 of the Devastation Series.

The drive back to the apartment was spent listening to music and gazing out of the side window. I was frozen in the driver’s seat with my left arm propped on the steering wheel. My face cocked sideways and chin planted into place. Random life scenes scrolled inside of my head only to be interrupted by sudden bumping from side road potholes. The egg crushing, jarring, and jolting brought me back to the present, but only for a moment. The dark of the night saturated the city streets. I looked to the navigation panel and realized I was only a few minutes away. I grabbed the compostable dinner bag from the passenger seat and rolled it tightly closed.

I slipped the PPE loosely over my face and exited the car. I was not trying to use it, I just wanted to pass any patrols that would circle by. The evening settled into the complex and the moist stale air found its way to my nose through the unsealed mask. I slid it up on my head as I Walked down the hallway to the apartment. I had lost my swagger tonight but I did get into the apartment on the first try. Normally, I would flip through the keys, but I had marked them earlier in the day. I contemplated how I could upgrade the entryway to bio-scan locks, but I was stuck for now, considering that the desired update would have been included in the renovation that I skipped.

Skipped. I cheated, I told myself. Several variations played through my head as I settled inside of the entryway. I found a plate after searching a couple cabinets. I pulled the sandwich and fries from the sack and sat the small side salad on the counter. I grabbed a trash bag from the lower sink cabinet and started tossing waste inside. It reminded me that I needed to get some very basic household goods, such as a trash can. I laid the open trash bag down and slid the plate inside the microwave. I pressed the “Intelligent Meal” setting, which auto-detected the food types and tailored the cook to what was being prepped. After a couple of minutes of hearing it unit continuously adjust the microwave signaled complete. I pulled it out and it was perfect.

I popped my shoes off by the door on the way back to the couch. I pulled the Coffee table closer and took a bite of the sandwich. Even reheated, the burger was blissful, just like the name indicated. I needed something to drink so I got up and poured a glass of water into a mason jar cup from the cabinet. There were several of those in there, so I wondered if Samuel did canning at some point. Not many people did that with all of the tech today, but it still existed in certain circles. My dad used to tell me of apple orchard visits to can apple sauce or sliced apples for another day. While I was there I opened the fridge and looked to see what was else was in there.

Disappointed in the fridge, I opened the freezer and saw a medium sized bottle of whiskey. I was pleased to find one thing that would be better after sitting for so long, at least that was my theory. It could not have appeared at a better time. The swigs tasted terrible regardless. I finished my meal and took a couple more shots from the bottle. My goal was not to get intoxicated but to take the edge off and fall asleep immediately. It worked, even though I become a little more under the influence than I would have wished. It was not enough to forget things or have a headache the next day and my sips did allow me to sleep deeper that night. I was able to stay asleep and quiet my mind, other than one or two bathroom visit.

I woke up around 4 AM not able to doze back off right away. My body was not used to uninterrupted sleep. So when I did get it, I would often wake up early. Damned if I did or did not, it would have seemed. I opened my phone and scrolled social media sites to avoid thinking about anything significant. I finally gave up and decided to text Valerie just like my dad requested. I opened a new message and selected the contact information that my dad had shared at the hospital. It was a long text for an intro but I didn’t have the luxury of back-and-forth at this time of day.  “Hey, Valerie, it’s Jake, little Jake… That sounds weird. Jake McClain, Jr. My dad, Sr. was admitted to the hospital last night. He told me to text you and I ask if you would be able to check on the place, whatever that means. Valerie – would you be willing and/or able? I know you’re busy. If I need to do something – I am a “city boy” (LOL) but will help. I am rambling now. Let me know please/tx. ” Send.

I dozed back off after watching the ceiling fan blades hypnotically circle around. The dreams did not register in my mind but I was restless during my short naps. I woke when Valerie texted back. It was around 5 AM, and it read: “See you at 5 PM, sharp.” I wondered what she was doing up at that moment. Did she normally wake at this hour? I contemplated getting up but was still worn out from all of the emotional work that I was sailing through. I was just glad that I was able to sleep, when I did, after all that had gone on in the prior day. My alarms started going off around 6 AM. I hit snooze a couple of times and then pulled my phone into focus. I opened Val’s text and sent an acknowledgment. I wondered what that visit was going to look like. I then hit snooze a couple more times until I gave up and in to the day.

I shook off the stiffness and pulled myself out of the couch. Big and obnoxiously fluffy cushions could hide a person if need be. After separating myself, I dressed and grabbed my stuff for the day. I swung by the Coffee Joe’s on the way in and got a coffee called a dirty chai. I added an extra shot of espresso and a couple of ice cubes so that I could enjoy it right away. The coffee was just the thing to perk me up, it turned out. A sweet and smokey bitterness swirled in my mouth with a creamy chai. I looked outside of the window and sipped as Alexa continued to chauffeur me to the office. I did not see the drones. The driverless cars were in the background. The robotics and AI just blended into the scenery. That day, the clouds popped in the sky. Fluffy white swirls of whipped cream in a dessert of blue. The sun stretched along the horizon with a tie-dye of the rainbow-like colors. The birds flew in v-formations and I could almost hear the geese honking. I focused on a tree coming to pass me and saw the lavender flower blooms painting life into the budding greens. I just observed… until I got to work.

I arrived at work around the same time that I always had. I parked in my normal spot and took my normal route to my desk. Yet, nothing felt normal. I felt like there was an elephant in the room – I was sure everyone knew of my wrong doings and only I did not know that they knew. Every look that I received felt like a judgment. Every smile felt condescending. I imagined sneers where there were none and heard whispers under breaths. As I passed my peers, I was sure that they knew something and treated me differently. Of course, no one knew at that time, but paranoia had a way of distorting things. I felt like a celebrity would in a public place, as I walked the halls I felt a need to hide my identity.

I was very focused on another property that I had walked through for renovation when Rob bounced in, and startled me. I was triggered but tried not to appear on edge. “You lucked out there Jakey boy,” He playfully shot out.
“I…I don’t uh – know…” I stammered.
“They must have gotten tired of waiting on you.” He replied.
“Still… lost bud…” I played dumb.
“Someone opted to leave 116 alone – and renovate it later for some strange reason. Must be turning it into an office or something.” He curiously rubbed his chin.
“I guess so…” I said dismissively. I tried to make eye contact.
“Curious…” He emphasized and be-bopped off. I tried to remember that he is generally quirky, but I still watched to make sure he went back to his desk. Several moments passed before I could look away. I anticipated him making some spy-like move, but he never actually did. My ego was telling me stories and I was playing along it would have seemed.

Most of my day went that way. I kept my head down and stuff to myself. I wasn’t eager to share project updates or pose thoughtful questions. I was afraid that any attention would shine a light on something. I realized that I had done something wrong, but it grew from breaking a rule, in my mind, to some larger caper, bank heist, or murder. It consumed me and my attention for the balance of the day. Food didn’t taste the same and some movements triggered a reaction in me. I convinced myself to just stay busy and finished several reports. By the end of the day, I completed a quarter of my entire workload. Sarcasm told me that I should have done wrong sooner. It was nearing 3 PM when I decided to head to the hospital.

Like a bell went off for the races, I slammed my computer into my bag. I placed my mask on my head and slung my backpack over my shoulder. In single stealth-like motion, I exited my office door. I bypassed the main hallway and snuck out of the front. I had started my car from the office so the stabilization would be effective, like an A/C it cooled down the car, but also worked on humidity and sunlight by using hyper-tint. That day was one of the first days that I had needed to use it that season. The air was cool as I stepped inside of the car and more than the temperature relieved me. A person could have felt the sigh I let out if they were next to me. I think it was my guilt – and the fact that there was no way I could repair it without being guilty. I started to moralize it, “It’s not that bad…”

I got to the hospital around 3:30 PM. The lights were low and my dad adrift in his inclined bed; his head sunk into a pillow and his were closed eyes, aimed towards the ceiling. Despite the rest he had been getting, he still wore a tired but enduring face. The television streamed episodes of a show that he had been watching and was continuing the next as I walked in. Since it would enter screensaver mode after an hour or two of inactivity, I thought that he had dozed off shortly before my arrival. I was reassured to when I determined that he had eaten something; I glanced over his bread crust and fruit plus yogurt container. My dad usually checked out and lost his hunger when stressed – so that was a positive sign for the situation.

I tiptoed around his room trying to not disturb him. I picked things up and organized the little piles in the chair and on the dresser next to him. The Gideon’s bible was out and opened to Matthew. I was not sure where he fell on belief anymore but I grew up in a faith-friendly home. Before mom died, we went to church every week and participated in small groups. I cannot remember if it was every week but we always had someone over from church, which is what I remember. My father was very familiar with the lingo, the stories, and the rituals. As I grew older, something changed in me and I drifted away. I was not sure where I stood now but continued being faith-friendly in my life. I just stood in awe of him and walked over beside the bed and stared.

Age cut deep into my father’s face. Wrinkles accented his face like the bold lines in artwork. His high cheekbones glowed in the dull room with the oils from his skin. His hair wavy and gray laying messily on the pillow from his head turns. I gently ran my fingers over his head, and he let out a groan and adjusting his position. His Last Will and Testament was printed on the table and scribbled on. He had written down thoughts that he stumbled upon and wanted to hold on to during his opioid fogs. He still preferred paper for writing most of the time. I pulled his blankets up slightly and tucked him in and talked to him under my breath. I pushed his tray slightly to the side and lowered his bed to a lesser angle.

I sat with him until it was time to meet up with Valerie. I simultaneously hoped he would wake and stay asleep. It was peaceful to see him and realize that the slow deep breaths were a healing journey. I turned the streaming shows to an audio music channel. I grabbed a scrap notepad that he had beside him and scribbled a quick note for when he awoke. “Dad – I stopped by and spent some time with you. You weren’t very talkative LOL. Meeting Valerie shortly. We’ve gotcha covered – just rest. I am going to come back to wear you out. I love you, dad. Jake. 430 PM.” The smell of the fine-tipped Sharpie tickled my nose. My father was broken down to his core… I needed him. Better.

Adjusting my mask after getting strapped into the car, I plugged in my dad’s home address. I selected a jazz station and let the horns, piano, and guitar soothe my anxieties. I took the country way to his home, even though I did not have the time to spare. The long way and wilderness scenery were very aesthetically pleasing and I felt it was needed after leaving the hospital before the meet up with Valerie. I replayed my day to that point and critiqued the details over an over. I beat myself up for the foolish scam that I did at work. I thought of a million things that I should do or should have done: from work to housing situations, to hospital visits and was confident I would add to the list in a short while.

I wondered what Valerie wanted to show me or what help she wanted. I was just some city boy and could not possibly understand their way of life. Like I didn’t go through some christening or right of passage that they went through. I rolled the windows down and stuck my head out of the window. The breeze thick with moisture pressed against my face. I closed my eyes and took it in. The warm air splashed against me with the occasional burst of coolness through different parts of the drive: warm, cool, warm, cool… After a few moments, I crawled back inside the cabin and rolled the windows up. I ran my fingers over my head and tapped on the steering wheel to the beat. I would have made a terrible drummer. I pulled into his driveway slightly late. Valerie’s vehicle was parked with her leaning against it. I parked next to her and I started to put on my PPE then realized that she was not wearing any, so I stopped. I just wanted to fit in at that moment and overcome the awkwardness.

“Hey, Val…” I started.
“What’s the matter with your dad?” She cut me off.
“Well, hello…” I trailed off, “we think he has pneumonia… complications…”
“Oh, the cancer… got it.” She finished for me. She was not being hateful or snarky yet, but it was obvious that she would not cherish the next however-so-long with me. She used her hips to push away from the vehicle as if sending herself down the lane in a swim meet. I walked to the house main door. I started to pull my hand out of my pocket to give my thumbprint to enter when she did it and entered.
“Your dad has asked me to do this a few times. We help each other out.” 
“I see, ok then…” I accepted her answer, she didn’t really need to convince me. 
“Let’s get the gear.” She motioned to a back closet. We walked to the back bedroom, which contained a lot of my dad’s tinkerings, equipment, and storage totes. I had not spent any time in this room aside from walking past it. I looked around, as she opened the closet door. One wall looked like a shrine to our family. It was a wall of older photographs. Several were paired and below those junctions were more photos. My dad had our family tree assembled and I became dazed by the photo of my mother beside my father. It had been years since I had seen images of them side by side. “Take these…” Valerie pulled me back to the present handing me a couple of pairs of working gloves and a very worn, stained dress shirt, which was apparently used to work around the farmette. She placed a work shirt on and slid on the smaller pair of gloves. Her tiny hands filled the finger with room to spare. I squeezed into the larger set then followed her out of the house to the barn.

We did not talk much. Most communication was explanatory and on a need to know basis. Her words seemed to just tell me what I should do to help and seemingly stay out of her way. I got the sense that I was tagging along in some obligatory understanding between her and my dad. I continued to attempt small talk but it was coldly welcomed and flatlined right after being born. I followed her around the farm and continued doing as she instructed. I had wished there was more instruction, like the whys of what we were doing, but accepted our symbiotic situation for now. I watched her and made my own mental notes for later. I realized the research I desired to complete was just compounding between dad and Samuel.

We strolled through the garden and checked the plants and looked for any signs of what she called “vermin.” We grabbed a bucket of grains from the barn and scattered small piles around the chicken’s dwellings. We looked for any predatory signs and pulled eggs from the hen nests and ended up with nearly a dozen. I wondered what my dad did with all of the eggs? Surely he didn’t eat all of them? I took another stab at conversation. “Guess my dad really likes omelets,” I called out snickering. Her eyebrow raised slightly and I swear to this day, a smirk started to form.
“You haven’t spent time here have you, Jake? So much more goes on…” She shot me down.
“You’re right… I see…” And with that gunfire, I tossed the white flag and continued weaving and bobbing for the rest of the chores. I did not know what I had done to her – but it was apparent that I pissed her off in some way, or someone had. We checked the rain barrels, wiped the solar panels, fed the milking cow, and milked her. The pigs were sloppily stinking with joy and grunted as we tossed some overripe apples in and a feed mixture. We walked the small fence-line and checked on the small pond. A few goldfish like fish were at the banks. She reached in a bucket near the dock and launched some pellets across the pond. Envisioning arrows overhead in an ambush, the pellets showered down on the water. As we walked away a couple of splashes followed by a larger gulp as a fish jumped to the surface. “That’s it for today.” She said in an abrupt finishing tone. I trailed behind her back to the house and we sat our gear on the counter inside the door. I assumed we would just use it again if we needed to come back.

We quickly toured the house and checked things like sinks, fridge being shut, and normal routine things. We finished then exited there too and locked the door behind us. Still following her lead, we headed to the cars. “Thanks for showing me around…” I forced perkiness into my voice.
“Meet me tomorrow,” she snapped back, “I’ll check in daily. Well, until he’s on his feet again.”
“Saturday afternoon? Morning? Same time?” I fumbled for words was and off any game that I would have pretended to have. 
“Around 7 AM. That too early for you?” asquint happened in a microsecond as she appeared to read me.
“Ok then…” I said to fill the air. I got into the car and resumed music. I did not even wave to her. While I knew why I was upset – I couldn’t help but go over our conversation. How did I step out on the wrong foot?

I don’t remember making it back to the apartment. It felt as if I was running from some hitman and made it to a safe place. With everything going on – my anxiety had secretly built inside of me. I shut the door and leaned my back into the inside of the door. I focused on my breathing and how I felt exhausted from the burdens that I endured within myself. I settled in for the night around 9 PM and was relieved when I remembered that it was Friday night. I didn’t have to face work tomorrow. I did have to get up earlier than I had hoped, but it was as if I was double dared to do something; I was going to be prompt in the morning. I walked over to the fridge and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. I grabbed a couple pieces of produce from the basket and sat while eating the fruit and vegetable whole. I took a swig and washed it down. “What a hot mess…” I mocked myself. I sat my alarms and finally opened the journal that I thought about so many times earlier in the day. I was swept off with the narration and seeing the parallels between dad and Samuel. I fell asleep shortly after.

I woke around 5 AM and made a small pot of coffee. While I nibbled on the leftover veggies from the prior night, I finished an InstaCo shopping cart. The evolved grocery shopping polled several stores in the proximity of the orderer. The algorithms search for the best combination of deals and prepare micro orders at each location. Mostly, AI, the orders are then staged in a central location and either a drone or delivery driver would bring the order to you. Maggie had introduced me to the service. Once I tried it – I never looked back. Since I was going to be out until much later I scheduled the delivery for late afternoon/ early evening, with the option to pause up until two hours before the time frames. It made shopping manageable for just about anybody.

Before I left the apartment, I placed a to-go order for 2 dirty chai coffees to be picked up en route to dad’s. I finished my cup of coffee and rubbed my eyes. A deep and gregarious yawn echoed off of the walls and I stretched my arms wide. I inhaled a deep breath and forced a sigh out. With my lips pursed my exhale sounded like a steam relief valve. I held the glass bottle of whiskey out in front of my in the room light. I took a small sip of the room temp whiskey and gagged a little. I shook off the disgust and placed it in the freezer. “Je’sus I need to pull it together.” I shook my head at myself.

I blared music in the car. The guitars angrily shred riffs and I pounded on the steering wheel to get motivated while heading Dad’s. I was ahead of schedule until I picked up the coffee which was delayed for some convenient reason and set me back about 10 minutes. I grew disappointed. I felt that my tardiness proved some point that Valerie had associated with me. When I pulled into the driveway it was obvious that the imaginary expectations I assumed were met by confirmations. I stepped out of the car and she shared her opinion right away. “Glad you could make it. I didn’t know if they made alarms in your world.” She fired. 
“No, I just waited for a rooster. He slept in.” It didn’t make as much sense out-loud as it did in my mind. I was about 15 whole minutes late and I had already started to disappoint. Trying to redeem myself, I pulled the medium coffee from the drink holder in the console. I sat mine on top of the car while handing off the other one which was reluctantly received. 
“I don’t do coffee.” She said shooting me down, again. At that moment, I knew it was going to be a long day.

We continued all morning, repeating most of the prior day’s chores but with even fewer interactions. I stopped to rest for a moment by the side of the house. While stretching I explored several thoughts about Valerie, about my dad, about my work, and home situation… I walked over to the table next to the porch and grabbed the coffee that I bought for her. I went into the house, warmed it up, and brought it back out to her, and placed it back on the table. “In case I wear you out…” I tried once again to add some positive humor vibes to the atmosphere but was met with a somber gaze. I was wearing down and opened my phone as a social distraction. “Let’s go,” she stated, starting to move again.

We did that routine for a couple of hours. As we finished each task a new one seemed to spawn; a terrible game of lights out or whack-a-mole. We completed more in-depth versions of yesterday’s tasks and added a few new ones to the mix but with more silence. I still only wanted to understand why we were doing what we were. We prepped the feed buckets and cleaned where we needed to. I swept out the barn which looked like had been neglected for some time. Old Bessie, what I had named the cow, was milked and the chickens produced a couple more eggs. “Smaller omelet today,” I chuckled to myself. I could not decipher if it was confusion or anguish that crossed her brow. The time flew by. We kept mostly busy as I shadowed her and picked up little side tasks. We worked for hours and wrapped up the unspoken list. Day two was soon in the books but it still felt like I was digging a deeper hole in quicksand; I just didn’t understand. That was what bothered me most.

We took off our gear and placed it in the same place as yesterday. I wanted to make it work. All of it. But, I also knew that it was going to be miserable, for me, as well as here I guessed. I picked up my cup and finished my chai, which was lukewarm from sitting by that point. I wiped my forehead with my forearm and took a long deep breath. While I swirled the drink in my mouth over my tongue I dwelled on the awkwardness. Like a brick wall, I could not see past it. It had started to eat away at me. I wondered “what did I do or not do?” I cupped my hands and wiped my face tugging at my lips with my fingers as they rolled off my chin. We shut the door and walked to our cars to each go our separate directions.

By that point, I was brooding maybe even bubbling over. I opened the door and placed my right leg into the floorboard. In a quick and passive-aggressive motion, I turned to her and looked through her. “Listen Val…” I started out. She started to say something and I cut her off… “I do not know what I am doing. I did not grow up on a farm. I wonder what the hell is going on with my dad. I am trying to figure out where I fit in. I have had several things in my life that have change in a very short time. Change isn’t fun. And I know that I am a nuisance – but I am trying to do this. As much as I can without you talking to me. I am watching your every action… And if this wall between us has to do with me, personally, you don’t know anything about me – my passions – my taste – my life… style… And I quite frankly don’t care if you care right now. We do, both however, care for him. If you don’t want to get to know me – fine… So be it – but we are going to work together for a little bit – and it sure as hell will be easier if you would just talk to me. We don’t have to chit-chat and drink coffee, despite the coffee I brought you… But for Christ sakes – be human…” I looked back to the car, got in, and firmly shut the car door. I entered the destination for a small brunch cafe, and Alexa started the trip. I paused the car, rolled down the window, and make one last comment. “It is more chai, a tea, than coffee…” I resumed backing out of the driveway and rolled the window up.

In the distance I could see her take a sip as I slowly exited the driveway. It looked like smile crested her face. A moment of confidence stood me up on the inside, I took some of Maggie out on Valerie. It did feel good to stand my ground and speak out. I headed to the cafe and returned to my shredding guitars.

Read more of the Devastation Series.