Every now and then I have moments where I watch my kids play together and my heart feels like it will burst, I begin to tear up, and my husband rolls his eyes at me.

Then again, there are days when they bicker and argue and and there is not five minutes of quiet. On these occasions I may have told the kids that if they keep it up they might end up with a one-way ticket to the circus (OK, I didn’t really, but it sounded good in my head at the time.)

My son does not like to fall asleep by himself. Each night he wants me to lay next to him. While I enjoy the special one-on-one snuggle time, I would prefer that he crawl into bed at 8:00 p.m., fall right asleep, and allow me to have evening time with my husband.

Instead, lately he wants to talk, get out of bed for a drink or to go pee, gaze around his bedroom, play with my hair, and pretend to be asleep. Sometimes it takes an hour or longer to get him to sleep. Lord, help me.

If I do not lay with him, he will cry, scream, pound on his bedroom door, or keep leaving his bedroom to find me over and over. Unless I am away from home at bedtime, he will not sleep with Dad or alone.

By the time Abby was nine months old she would lay down and fall asleep when placed into her crib- it took a couple of nights of gently letting her cry it out- which made me feel terrible, but she had almost no problems with sleeping after that.

I recognize that most of the issue with Oscar needing “coached” to sleep stems from trying to ease him to sleep as an infant, so that he would not wake his sister, plus the fact that he would wake multiple times overnight to nurse.

Now that Abby is older, she’s become resentful that I lay with Oscar each night. She gives me comments about how she needs Mom snuggles too, gives me guilt trips about not receiving as much attention, and has lately begun to cry and throw fits at bedtime because she wants me.

So I’ve worked myself into a lose-lose situation where I feel terrible because I’m upsetting both of them, depending on which I spend bedtime with. I feel like they’re playing tug-of-war with me in the middle and competing for my attention constantly. It doesn’t help that Oscar had been pushing, biting, hitting, and pinching lately.

Sibling rivalry

Sibling rivalry: it’s an inevitable challenge that every parent of multiple children will face, but that doesn’t mean you can’t prepare for it. While it may make you want to rip out your hair (or run away with the circus), just breathe. There are ways to deal with it successfully.

Sibling rivalry can rear its ugly head in many forms, sometimes in more than one form at a time. They range, primarily, within their verbal and physical actions between each other.

With verbal actions, many siblings engage in very typical behavior such as name calling, constant teasing, blaming, tattling, lying, or arguing. While it can be annoying, it’s very manageable over time. Now with physical actions such as violence, poking, breaking possessions, hiding possessions, throwing possessions, or stealing, it can be a little harder. But again, not impossible.

So what to do?

I’ve tried to separate both kids when needed, to give both physical space and to prevent hitting, fighting over toys, or what television show to watch. Sometimes it works for a few minutes, sometimes an hour. Sometimes it doesn’t work at all. I’ve been at my wit’s end trying to come up with solutions.

Are you feelin’ me here? What do you do when your kids are acting more like enemies than loved ones?

Instead of distracting them for a few minutes to a couple hours, try something new and get to the root of the problem. You can either separate them and discuss one-on-one, or have a large, open discussion. Keep in mind, when they are small like my littles, they may not be able to fully understand or express their thoughts and feelings so this might not be possible.

What are you going to talk to them about? Simply put, everyone’s feelings. Keep in mind to not compare your children to one another or give one more attention than the other. These are easy gateways into more rivalry between them and no one wants any actions to be misconstrued as favoritism to one over the other child. Make sure each one feels important and heard; that is the key.

Anthony E. Wolf, author of “‘Mom, Jason’s Breathing on Me!’ The Solution to Sibling Bickering” says, “Home is a comfort zone, and kids naturally fall apart in ways they never would at a friend’s house or in school.”

My father-in-law is fond of saying that, “kids always act worse for their mom than when they’re with Grandma and Grandpa.” This is because Mom and Dad or home is their safe spot, their refuge.

It is every parent’s job to create a place for their kids that lets them express their thoughts, feelings, and be able to decompress openly in that safe space.

While your first instinct may be to instantly get annoyed or angry or to punish someone, just take a step back. Children want to be heard, especially in the midst of a heated argument with their sibling. You could start off with a simple, “I hear you both,” or “I understand why you are both frustrated.” This sets the tone for more a open discussion and makes your children – and their feelings- feel valued and validated.

Now there are a few things parents should keep in mind while having any sibling rivalry discussions. They’re four-fold: don’t compare, keep everyone on even ground, compromise, and celebrate.

Don’t Compare

As Roberta Satow wrote in Psychology Today, “parents can intensify the negativity between siblings by characterizing children as ‘the good one,’ the ‘bad one,’ or ‘the talented one.’” As stated before, a parent should not give any signs of favoritism since it’ll only spur on any rivalry that exists, and increase hurt feelings, and perhaps even foster feelings of rejection.

Now with older siblings, it may be best to not interject yourself into the problem or argument, at least initially. If they’re old enough, they should have developed or be developing the communication and reasoning skills needed to settle it. Although if they involve you, it’s crucial to not take sides and to not punish one or seem to favor the other.

Keep Everyone on Even Ground

As much as possible, try to treat everyone fairly and equally. Not doing so can lead to teasing or even more rivalry down the line.

Let’s use an example provided by my friend Melissa. When Melissa was in middle school, her older brother, Jake, was in high school. Jake had been playing soccer since he was in preschool was very talented. College scouts had been attending his matches and he was hoping for a scholarship.

Melissa decided to try out for the school soccer team, although she’d never really played soccer before outside of gym class. Her parents were excited that she was showing interest in athletics and encouraged her to practice.

To make a long story short, she didn’t make the cut and this lead to disappointment and resentment on her part. Since her brother was garnishing a lot of attention, Melissa was starting to feel left behind, like she wasn’t receiving the same amount of attention, and angry that she wasn’t as talented as her brother. She began to refuse to go to his games, hide his jersey, and pick fights with Jake. In return, he began to treat her like the “pesky little sister,” where before they had been rather close.

After a particularly raucous fight between both kids, Melissa finally broke down and told her parents why she had been acting out. While discussing it, Melissa admitted she was jealous of her brother’s athletic talent, and that she didn’t even really like soccer after all; she just wanted the extra attention that she felt he received because of it.

Their parents responded by reassuring Melissa that she and her brother were loved evenly and that they knew both kids had different interests and talents. They had tried to be excited about and supportive of her decision to try out to the soccer team because, at the time, she had seemed excited about it.

They signed up Melissa for art classes, something she’d always wanted to do. Each Saturday, she and her mother would go together to an art class at the local rec center. This little bit of extra attention and encouragement helped to keep both siblings on even ground, positively improved their interaction and distinguished the flares of jealously and resentment.

Compromise

Learning how to compromise is an amazing and critical life skill to teach early on. As The Family Times states, “compromise is the ability to make concessions or adjust your position or opinion to reach a settlement or an agreement.” Practicing negotiation and conflict resolution is needed for a growing child, so they understand how to navigate real-life problems, both now and in the future and outside of the home environment too.

Some quick examples of how to lead by example and teach your child compromise are:

• Discuss (not argue) in a productive way
• Do not use accusatory statements
• Try to stay away from any name-calling or yelling
• Teach them how to talk respectively and productively by allowing a debate to take place
• Promote kindness in every day actions and conversation
• Teach them to fully listen to both sides’ thoughts and feelings before attempting for form a compromise

Practice empathy

Consider that just like adults, some children are built to feel empathy more readily than others do. In some it is ingrained, for others, it must be learned.

Teach them to look past their own feelings and opinions and focus on seeing through their siblings eyes and try to understand the others’ side as much as their own.

Conflict Resolution at its finest

Watch your own language and body language. Teaching your kids how to use “I” and “make me feel” type statements to come across in a non-aggressive and non-accusatory way helps to quickly get to the root of the problem.

Remember not to take anything said personally. Depending on the age and maturity level, comments from children can be brutally honest and even down right mean (which is never useful in reducing conflict.) Kids are quick to act defensive when in a stressful situation, so keep that in mind throughout. Remind them as much as you can they are in a safe space for open discussion.

Don’t go back in time; focus on the current issue at hand. Many times during a heated argument, people are likely to bring up past fights or conflicts. Avoid this at all costs and remind them to stay on track. A previous argument or dispute should not be brought up or used to influence the current issue.

Take a lesson from Mom

My sister and I are three and a half years apart in age. It was just far enough apart that she felt more like a tag-a-long than a friend or companion.

When I was around my daughter’s age, I knew how to totally work the system so that I could easily blame my sister for whatever I was trying to stay out of trouble for doing. This worked until she got older and could speak for herself. After that, we fought like cats and dogs.

One tactic my mom used when we were jealous of each other or fighting was to make us hug and say, “I love you,” until we were no longer angry.

OOOOooh, how it made me so angry that I had to hug my sister and tell her that I loved her when I was so upset- but it worked! It quickly resolved whatever we were upset at the other about.

Similarly, I’ve seen a “get-along” shirt being used. An oversized shirt is worn by both kids at the same time to quell any dispute.

Celebrate

Celebrate the little things, and especially celebrate whenever the rivalry is coming to a close for the day. Whether it be a favorite dinner (or a combination of the two favorites) or a game they love, make sure they’re rewarded for their good behavior.

Using positive reinforcement is a classic technique to instill positive behavior in one’s children. Simply put, you reward the good behavior your children show, rather than punish for the bad. More specifically, rewarding the peaceful resolution of a sibling rivalry argument. Rewards do not have to be material. Easy ways to show positive reinforcement for desirable behavior are simple praise, cheering, or giving a hug- and don’t be stingy with it.

Other times, offering a small gift will do just as well (maybe even better). I have a friend who uses a “Good Friend Jar,” which she has filled with items like Smarties, stickers, fun-shaped erasers, and other tiny items. When she observes her kids do something nice for each other or find a way to cordially resolve a disagreement, they get to pick an item from the jar.

No matter the method you choose, it should make your children feel accomplished and happy for resolving the conflict.

Don’t forget

Even as adults, resolving conflict and rivalries is never easy, so we shouldn’t expect it to be simple for kids, especially when it’s with small siblings.

Then again, when is anything super easy when you’re a parent? Trust your gut, keep a cool head, and don’t be afraid to experiment. You’ll find the strategies that work best for your kids.

Do you have any strategies for dealing with sibling rivalry? I’d love to hear from you!

Citations:
“Mom, Jason’s Breathing on Me!” by Anthony Wolf: 9780345460929: PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books. (n.d.). Retrieved September 21, 2020, from https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/193082/mom-jasons-breathing-on-me-by-anthony-e-wolf-phd/
Family Times. (2017, March 08). Negotiation and the art of compromise. Retrieved September 21, 2020, from http://www.familytimes.co.nz/kids-compromise/
Smith, S. (2020, July 10). Try these 10 mindful phrases to effectively praise your kids. Retrieved September 21, 2020, from https://www.mother.ly/child/try-these-10-mindful-phrases-to-effectively-praise-your-kids
Satow, R. (2016, August 10). Sibling Rivalry. Retrieved September 20, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-after-50/201608/sibling-rivalry
Amy Morin, L. (n.d.). Improve Your Child’s Behavior Problems With Positive Reinforcement. Retrieved September 21, 2020, from https://www.verywellfamily.com/positive-reinforcement-child-behavior-1094889

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