Few people talk about the grief that comes after ending toxic relationships. Intellectually, we know it’s for the best, but we also have suffered a deep loss many don’t understand. – Dr. Nicole LePera

This was an interesting tweet by Dr. LePera that got a lot of responses of relatability. One response was so interesting that I had to put it into one of my inspirational notebooks: “Sometimes the head takes the elevator, while the heart takes the stairs.” (@sparkleandcocoa)

Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. Just like people, many relationships have their good, healthy aspects and then their not-so-healthy characteristics. Some people can have healthy, loving, mutually satisfying relationships with people whom other people find to be completely toxic. Some people make excellent mentors or teachers or siblings, or leaders, but not so good spouses, parents, or friends, and vice versa. Some people are one person’s dream partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor, etc. and at very same time can be another person’s nightmare partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor. It’s all relative and complicated and based on individuals’ temperaments, personalities, needs, beliefs, passions and tolerances, and how well these elements match to one another.

The loss of any relationship whether it’s due to death, or to a choice, has to be processed and grieved. Nothing is black and white. Most relationships have at least some good aspects to them. If relationships were purely toxic, they wouldn’t have likely come into fruition in the first place. When you grieve a relationship, you not only grieve “what was”, but also “what could have been.” Endings indicate a need to process “what was”. “What could be” is no longer in the cards.

I always call grief the loneliest emotion, because even if two people are grieving the same person, or the same experience, everyone has to do grief in their own way, and in their own time. No one grieves in the same manner. Usually the same loss means a different kind of loss for each individual in a relationship. What is universal however, is that never is there a more important time in the world for gentleness and kindness and understanding and empathy, then when someone is grieving.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

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