1. How could someone not have noticed they scattered sprinkles all over the kitchen floor when they downed a slice of leftover birthday cake? OK, technically, the sprinkles are mostly by the fridge but still: they are glaringly obvious. You can't not notice them...unless you are the person who did this.
2. Was it your tween? Your partner? Totally annoying either way.
3. It's like they did a Mexican hat dance all over the sprinkles and ground them into the floor so that now some tiles have rainbow-colored grout and that's going to be even more of a pain to get out.
4. As if I didn't have enough to do.
5. It's like they were raised by wolves or something! Unless it was your tween who did this, in which case the wolf is....you. Oh.
6. I mean, how do you not see a huge scattering of blue, yellow, orange, green, red and pink sprinkles just lying there in plain sight? How how how how how?
7. Or, wait, did they notice and not care? That's practically evil! Double aaaaaaaaargh!!!
8. I wish I were a person who didn't notice sprinkles all over the kitchen floor and/or care, but I do, so even though it is 9:43 p.m., I am going to clean up the damn sprinkles.
9. Why am I the only person in the house who cares about the cleanliness of the kitchen floor?
10. Do people think the floor magically cleans itself? Seriously. WHO DO THEY THINK CLEANS THE FLOOR AFTER SNACKS AND MEALS? Only the two-year-old gets a free pass. At least until he's three.
11. Hmmm, what if I didn't clean up the sprinkles: Would they still be there tomorrow? The day after? Next week? Next month? Next year? Maybe one of these days I should conduct an experiment and leave the crumbs on the floor and see what happens.
12. But I don't think I could survive for more than a day with these sprinkles just lying there. I'm pretty sure this does not make me anal-retentive. I mean, wouldn't any reasonable person not want to see sprinkles lying on their kitchen floor, other than the people in my house?
13. WHAT IS THIS?! MORE SPRINKLES UNDER THE KITCHEN CHAIR?! AND CAKE CRUMBS, TOO?! AND SMEARS OF WHITE ICING ON THE COUNTERTOP? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
14. And, wait for it, a dirty fork in the kitchen sink! Like, it would take them all of five seconds to toss it into the dishwasher. Why do they not have those five seconds? WHO DO THEY THINK PUTS ALL THE SILVERWARE AND DISHES THEY LEAVE IN THE SINK INTO THE DISHWASHER?
15. What did I do with all my free time before I had to clean up after everyone's mess?
16. Reminders don't work. Threats don't work. Begging doesn't work. Is there any known cure for families who leave crap all over the kitchen floor?
17. Getting down on your hands and knees to pick up the sprinkles, crumbs and other crud your family leaves on the kitchen floor is both demeaning and seriously undignified when you think about it and it also sucks whatever vestiges of fun spontaneous youthfulness you still possess right out of you because there you are, some lady crawling under the kitchen table with a wet paper towel at 9:47 p.m. attempting to mop up crumbs, so it's best not to think about it.
18. Then again: AS IF I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO.
19. Dustbusters are God's gift to moms but, sadly, they will not readily suck up rainbow-colored sprinkle grout or anything soggy or gloppy like pasta, rice, oatmeal, tofu and bits of fruit or salad. Don't even get me started on couscous. If someone invented a Dustbuster for soggy stuff, they'd make a killing. Meanwhile, I will persist in running the Dustbuster back and forth over the sprinkle grout or couscous or soggy whatever for at least a minute, hoping that somehow the Dustbuster will grab it but in the process, further pulverizing it so that by the time I finally give up on Dustbustering, there are now lots of pieces of soggy stuff. I will never learn.
20. Too bad clearing away sprinkles, crumbs and other crap from your kitchen floor doesn't burn major calories because if it did, I'd look like Gigi Hadad. It is doubtful, however, that Gigi Hadad crawls under kitchen tables to Dustbust sprinkle grout.
21. I will not be looking like Gigi Hadad anytime soon, though, because now that I've cleaned everything up, I am helping myself to a big old slice of birthday cake. Maybe it'll help alleviate my rainbow-colored resentment.
22. You can be quite sure that I will not be leaving sprinkles on the floor for someone else to clean up. Because I am not that sort of person!
23. Not that anyone would notice if I left sprinkles all over the kitchen floor.