Dear Parent or Guardian,

We are reaching out today, on this perfectly viable Communication method known as Email, to let you know you have to download and install yet another app so that we can communicate with you.

This app replaces the one we insisted you download last year, TooCoolForSchool. Please note, we’ve heard the rumours and our decision to replace this app has nothing to do with the fact that its battery management configuration set four staff members’ phones on fire. It’s also definitely not the case that the principal called it a REDACTED, because that would have been inappropriate to say around children. In other news, Mr. Sampson has completely recovered from his burns and expects to be back in the office this week.

No, we are replacing the app because some jerk salesman upsold the ministry of education again we value you, the parents, and wish to be in constant communication with you. As such, please go to the app store and download TooSchoolForCool. To activate the app, please type in your child’s 25 digit student number, the middle three letters of their last name, and their teacher’s first name.

In order to facilitate communications, we will email you to tell you we’re going to send a message on the app, we’ll email you to tell you we have sent you a message on the app, and we’ll email you to remind you to check your app.

For your safety and security, every time you use the app, it will force you to go through a 2FA process. We don’t know what 2FA stands for either, but we do know that checking the little box that says “Trust This Device” will have absolutely no effect on the 2FA requirements. Ever. In fact, checking the box will erase your password immediately, and subsequently, you’ll have to go through three password resets to restore access, just so you can see that your kid ate apples for our Health Eating unit today.

Even though this new app comes with fancy features like Parental Permission 2.0, we will continue to send home paper forms photocopied on colours that make the print unreadable, and with lines too small to write anything on. We will email you to let you know to check the app for a message to remind you to check your child’s backpack, pockets, lunchbox, and left sock for the form. We apologize in advance that it will be crumpled and smell like overripe bananas, unless of course it’s already gone through the wash.

Oh, and this form will continue you ask you the questions you have answered six times this year already, including but not limited to:

• Does your child have any allergies or health concerns?
• What is your email?
• Would you like to volunteer for this trip?
• What are your emergency contact details?
• Do we have permission to post your child’s picture on the social media accounts we’ve only updated twice in the last two years?
• Seriously, please volunteer for this trip, especially you, Martha, because your kid is a little hellion.
• What are your spouse or partner’s emergency contact details? We need to have something to ignore because we only send information to the woman of the house.

Please be advised that this app DOES NOT replace the diary app your child’s teacher also uses, Frugal Classroom, Homework Helpr, ELearnFacilitator, eezeeFUNDRAZOR, or the late bus notification app that always craps out when the weather gets bad or more than three people try to access it at once.

Finally, please note you will get a copy of each notification for each child you have in our school, as well as every child who has been through our school, even if they have now moved on to university, because no, we don’t know how to turn the damn notifications off either.

Yours in Education,

Ms. Nickelbrook

PS – We’re holding a fundraiser! This year, we will be selling phone battery replacements! Call in now to place your order!

Visit the blog at A pain in the app.