Get Even More Visitors To Your Blog, Upgrade To A Business Listing >>

Open Letter to Jennifer Lawrence

My dear, Jennifer Mockingjay Lawrence,
You truly are “The Girl on Fire”. I have never known someone to fall down so often and so gracefully, but when you do, the revolution in Panem isn’t the only thing “catching fire”.

Even outside of playing Katniss Everdeen, you are supposed to be a good shot with a bow and Arrow. You should know that I too used a bow and arrow once and almost didn’t miss. Regardless of my accuracy with a bow and arrow (or lack thereof), I know exactly what we’ll be doing on our first, second, and forever date, or at least until you get bored. (And since I’m willing to lay down with an apple in my mouth and let you shoot at me, there’s no possible way you could be.)

Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but I also heard you like eating, and especially pizza. (I mean, who doesn’t?) If I ever ask if you’re hungry and you reply, “Yeah, I could eat”, know that I know that you’re starving and that we’ll soon be piling into my parents’ 2002 Honda Odyssey (I’ll do you the courtesy of driving), hitting the nearest pizza joint, ordering one of everything, and engorging ourselves like we aren’t going to feel sick and disgusting tomorrow. As long as that’s what you want, of course.

As for your previous significant others, I don’t have anything against them except for the fact they aren’t me. But not entirely.

Though you never actually dated Josh Hutcherson, just in case, I’m going to cover him and the character he portrayed anyway. Sure, he’s attractive, but I’m also drop-dead gorgeous if I do say so myself (and I do). And if you like him for his fascination with bread, you should know that I can make a mean buttered toast and once ordered a “hot dog with just bun”. (Note: I’m also open to eating other carbohydrates and starches as well as any other unhealthy foods. Like you, dieting is not my game to play.) Peeta Mellark is supposedly a pretty good artist from practice with all of that frosting he used in his family’s bakery, but I can draw and paint and color inside the lines as well and very well. So basically, with me, you’re getting everything good about Josh Hutcherson/Peeta Mellark and then some.

As for Chris Martin from Coldplay, if you’re expecting me to sing to you like he did, well, I can’t. Although, I do know all the words to the best song ever written, “The Hanging Tree - Rebel Remix”, and as such, might be able to lip-sync (but not sing) it for you. (Dancing not included).

You say that you were attracted to Darren Aronofsky because of his talent and brilliance. I don’t deny he has both of those, but I’m equally (if not more) talented and brilliant. Not to mention he is twenty-one years your senior. And if you’re willing to date someone so much older than you, in a few more years, why not someone ten years younger? (We should wait a few years not only so I’m older, but so I can hopefully grow taller than you. If I don’t, I’m completely fine looking up if it means I’m looking up at you.)

With that said, beloved, if this Letter ever does find its way to you, you should know that I would volunteer for tribute, fight in every Hunger Games, and… Actually, no, I wouldn’t. I’ll really be lounging on my couch, eating chips, and watching your movies with a throbbing heart.

To our future together,

Steven Noll

This post first appeared on Schoolloquialisms, please read the originial post: here

Share the post

Open Letter to Jennifer Lawrence


Subscribe to Schoolloquialisms

Get updates delivered right to your inbox!

Thank you for your subscription