I started reading Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins today. My friend has been talking about the book for at least six months. I’ve seen some David Goggins videos in the past and I definitely have thought that it has been a plus.

There is abundance of great quality content out there and I am definitely a person who does not need more quality content. I need more action. One good example of this is the way I wanted to read LESS in 2019 and do more.

On 2019 and 2020 I’ve been doing quite a lot, but many of them are wrong things. Job for example. And the reason I quit my job as well. After a work week and party on Friday I groped an employee after she had fallen asleep. She woke up though and left the apartment. I was overcome with shame and guilt, only thing I could do is to sleep. After I woke up I realize this is real. I texted her with a message where I acknowledged what I had done and expressed deep remorse. I did not get response. In the end she had brought the topic to my superiors which then asked to hear my part of it. After hearing we together decided that it is right thing to do for me to quit, so I did. This was the conclusion that I had come to in three days of contemplation by myself as well. In a sense it was a relief.

My identity is based on truth, and that’s my part of the story. For me it cost my work and position immediately. I had been working for that company for more than 5,5 years and intended to do so in the future.

Of course my mind I also had other aspirations every now and then. One is to see where I could go by myself as an entrepreneur. Now I’ve that opportunity which I intend to take.

Davind Goggins has challenges in his book. First challenge is about bad hand. So what else has been holding me back in my life? What is my bad hand?

I don’t need to think about this, I know this:

Picture is more powerful than the words. However, my Physical body has had serious effects on my mentality as well. Mostly I am ashamed of my body and keloid acne Scars, which have become a symbol for ugliness, unworthiness and failure for me.

There has been a little success in in treating those scars physically. Cortisol helped to the ones on my shoulders, however the ones on chest did not much budge after two or three shots of it.

Eventually I’ve tried to accept them as part of me. Even so, they affect me. I am a prideful person and I would not liket o put myself into situations where I need to be. I don’t like to be around strangers shirtless at all. At times I’ve tried to condition myself for such occasion as well, sometimes succeeding better than others. However as long as they are physically there, they remind to myself of my own unworthiness which is the story that most frequently pops into my mind.

Now what this Goggins does it to recall my fighting spirit towards that which I hate most in my life. It’s not even the physical appearance, but the weakness and perceived social status that hurt me the most I think.

As a cure for myself I decide that the story must be rewritten. Let the truth be myself. I’ve noticed that even so I may fear death. And what if death actually comes and I’ve not faced the fear of death?

I have, several times. Yet when it comes to the fear of losing my face, fear feels overwhelming.

Question is, what I am going to do about it?

There are some things in life which we can do. Some actions produce desired results, others do not.

Doctors and people around me have been helpless in perceiving and easing my suffering. What is left there, but to help myself?

I’ve felt deeply guilty of these scars and of myself. In the past 32 years they’ve shaped me in both good and bad. In good, they’ve lead me on the path to grow in other ways. In bad, they’ve left me isolated and fearful of what might happen if and when I’ve to face the reality.

I can only embrace what I’ve: a healthy body with a few scars. Scars that are physical reflection of my mental and emotional pain that I felt at that time. From doctors I have not received understanding how the scars became to be, however I know for sure that those are the physical reflection of anxiety, stress, isolation that I felt at that time about fifteen years ago. All that combined with aimlessness and bad habits created that physical expression that lasts probably as long as I live.

What is done is done, all that is left is for me to embrace who I am and what I can do for the world. There is nothing more left to say than just do (challenge #2), I don’t believe that no thing more than these two things are currently stopping me from being me at my best.

Truth hurts, only once. Lies frequently.

Perfection is a myth. Most of the trees are crooked. It’s about life after the crookedness that matters the most. Better to view the crookedness with light, that allows healing to happen.

What is your bad hand?

Joy and energy to you!

Janne

P.s. Those who are suffering with body image problems I highly recommend Brene Brown book Gifts of Imperfection.