“Small-batch, artisanal school supplies for hipsters” offers hand-carved pencils. “If you’re in the market for vintage, vegan or vaguely pretentious gear, look no further.”

Science of Parenthood features a mock letter on Shopping for Artisanal School Supplies. It warns: “Some of these items may only be purchased at village cooperatives in the mountain regions of Asia, so please plan accordingly as supplies may be limited.”

School uniforms must be “made of chemical- and dye-free certified organic cotton” and will be supplied by a Brazilian rainforest-based company at triple the normal price, the letter advises.

Since the “school is a completely BPA-free, phthalate-free, chlorine-free, aluminum-free, radon-free, DDT-free and any chemical-not-yet-developed-free zone,” parents are warned “not to pack your child’s lunch in any container that might leach compounds that have not yet been determined to be safe (via randomized, placebo-controlled trials in nonbiased peer-reviewed journals) into the classroom.”