Wondering if you should visit Edmonton?
If you’re here looking for useful information on Edmonton, you have come to the wrong place. Look elsewhere, my friend, look elsewhere. If, however, you are trying to decide whether or not to visit Edmonton, or – god forbid – move to Edmonton, welcome! You have arrived at just the right page! I’ll give you a big fat hint: don’t do it. Stay away. Run. Scream. Just don’t do it.
I was born and raised in Edmonton
…unfortunately, yes, Edmonton is the place I called home for the first twenty god damn years of my life, and yep, this is way more than any human should be subjected to this sort of place. When I was 21 I moved to Victoria on Vancouver Island, which is a much more pleasant land filled with beautiful parks and mountain views. You can walk around without a problem instead of using the awful bus system that Edmonton has to offer. It’s basically it’s better in every way.
So why does Edmonton suck so much?
Where do you even want me to begin? Seriously, what a loaded question, and I posed it to myself. I hate every single freakin’ aspect of the cold hearted city.
It’s freezing. It’s freakin’ freezing as hell. Have you ever felt -40C? Would you bloody well like to? How about waiting for you bus, which is forty five minutes late, in -40C so that you can go sell ice cream? Does that sound fun to you? If so, you are a lunatic. Go, be free! Enjoy the hell hole that is Edmonton.
Have you ever shoveled several feet of snow off your driveway in such weather? ‘Cause it’s necessary! And if you decide no, it’s too cold today, and I don’t need to go anywhere, then guess what? There’s going to be a whole heap more snow for you to deal with tomorrow, and it’ll be just as cold! Now you get to sweat in your jacket because there’s so much to shovel while still freezing. Have lots of fun!
West Edmonton Mall
Everyone who visits Edmonton wants to go to the god damn mall. Oh. My. God. First of all, you annoy us when you fully say, “The West Edmonton Mall”. It’s West Ed, okay? Any Edmontonian will tell you that. And yes, that’s what we’re called, Edmontonians. West Edmonton Mall is way over crowded, usually with tourists for god knows what reason. Sure, there’s a water park and a theme park. Yes, there’s an aquarium for animals that never see the light of day. Yep, they have sea lions. Do you know why? Because the petition to get the dolphins removed worked. They were in a tiny enclosure in a freakin’ mall. So West Edmonton Mall listened! …and got sea lions instead. Great improvement guys. Bravo. Oh, and while not the biggest mall in the world anymore, it still has the biggest parking lot in the world. Great.
The Transit System
Oh. My. God. I can’t get a single place in Edmonton without spending an hour and a half on the damn bus. The LRT (train) systems has sped things up… that is if you fall on the route. If you don’t, however, tough luck for you! Enjoy spending three hours out of your day on public transit with that hour and a half each way. And don’t even think for a second those buses are going to be on time when it’s freezing cold outside. Good luck.
The Rig Pigs
If you’re not from Edmonton, you may have no idea what a bloody rig pig is. These are the guys that work up on the oil rigs, and come down to Edmonton on their days off to blow the mass amounts of money they’ve earned. Bartenders rejoice as you’re in for good tips in Edmonton because of the rig pigs. Everyone else run, run away. They’re not called pigs for nothing. And to me, anyone who is obsessed with money at all expenses (isn’t ruining the environment fun?) is just not to my tastes. Sorry, guys, you will not be taking me home tonight.
It’s a Concrete Jungle
Everyone who I say this to says, “Oh, but we have the river valley!” Yes, okay, I concede. The river valley is absolutely beautiful. Now what else have you got for me? Seriously, there’s nothing else in this city. It’s just a concrete jungle. It’s hellish. It is just awful. I mean, I guess if you like concrete and big businesses then it’s lots of fun. If you like nature, and, you know, nice things, oh god.
Most cities have these great downtown areas. Edmonton, on the other hand? Yeah, not so much. Our downtown isn’t some great spot to hit up quirky shops and bars. No, it’s just for businesses. You work downtown. You do not play downtown. End of story. But hey, at least the train goes there, which it does not go to Whyte Ave, the place where the actual bars and quirky stores are.
Oh god, the zoo. I mean, I loved it growing up. It’s great fun for kids. But it’s just not the nicest zoo. Even Bob Barker tried to get Lucy the elephant moved because, you know, elephants don’t do well in -40C. You see that article I linked to? It calls her the world’s coldest elephant. The coldest elephant in the world. And it’s not like they have other elephants to keep her company anymore, nor can they get more, because, you know, this whole uproar about her being the coldest elephant. So there is sad old Lucy, freezing and alone.
Still want to head to Edmonton?
Go right ahead. Am I stopping you? Nope. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. I did my best. I really did my best.
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