Originally posted 9/15/2012.
A little something to chew on:
I’m neither Italian nor Mescalero,
and also both.
A little something no one wants to hear.
A little something:
this big paleface isn’t.
A little something:
I have no card to show you to give you government-level proof.
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A little something:
you can gut yourself
bending over backward
to prove your value
to people you could care less about.
A little something:
the family was divided, but that doesn’t show.
A little something:
it came up every time
I looked at my father and knew he would say
I was one thing one day, the other on the next.
A little something my mother never spoke of.
A little something: my grandmother
called my dad a thief
every day.
A little something: I am a lot of poison.
A little something: I don’t trust.
A little something: on the rez I’m just another eyeroll, another shrug.
A little something: to my Italian family, I’m not quite there.
A little something: to supposed allies, I’m easily forgotten.
A little something: I have had White friends
openly reassure me
that it’s ok with them
and being Indian does not matter,
it’s not the same, it’s not the same as if I was…
A little something in my clenched hand.
A little something with talons in my shoulder.
A little something: you don’t have a clue
what’s behind the eyes of anyone, what they recall,
what they went through, what they go through.
A little something:
sometimes I don’t mention it
for months to new acquaintances
just to listen to them talk without knowing.
A little something:
sometimes I mention it at once
to new acquaintances
so I can get the stupid out in the open.
Sometimes I am surprised.
Sometimes I wish I was surprised.
A little something in my eye.
A little something behind me, whispering.
A little something: I can tell you are bored with this.
A little something: I can tell you think it’s overblown.
A little something: I can tell you think it’s not huge pain.
A little something: I never said it was,
but you can’t hear that
over your own damn noise.
Don’t deny it.
I can hear you.
You all say it,
you all say it straight or slant
and somehow
you wonder why I keep
a certain distance, keep
a little something
back.
