No one ever said that the life of a fairy pixie mushroom farmer and unicorn rancher would be an easy one. And I should know. Because I am a fairy pixie mushroom farmer and unicorn rancher. And my life isn't easy.
I spend all my time alone on the farm with my Pa, who's very protective of me, and won't let me go out and find true love like I secretly wish to. That all changes one night when a tentacle vampire attacks our barn, and kills one of our unicorns. Pa sends me to an auction in town to go and get a replacement for our loss, but I'm swept up with passion at the moment a centaur walks up on stage- half man, half horse, and completely dazzling...
The two of us share a moment, and I bid on him before I can stop myself. I use the defense that he'll be able to ward off any future attacks from tentacle vampires, and Pa reluctantly accepts it. But really, my ulterior motive as I ride him back to the farm is that I want him to ride me- hard... And bareback... Is this the true love I've been seeking for so long?
"No one ever said that the life of a fairy pixie mushroom farmer and unicorn rancher would be an easy one."
That may be one of the best opening lines I've come across in ages. There's so much potential for craziness contained within those twenty-plus words, and the truth of the matter is Half-Man Half-Horse, All Love pays off in every respect. Stix Hiscock offers up equal doses of cheesy humor, imaginative erotica, and taboo romance in a thoroughly entertaining bit of fantasy erotica.
The writing is ridiculously over-the-top, with deliberately purple prose, but it is actually better written than you might expect from the concept. The fairy pixie, the centaur, and the tentacle vampire are fun characters, and their sex is absolutely insane. Seriously, we're talking magical fairy sparkles and actual fireworks, with a final threesome that leaves their surroundings in glitter-strewn ruins. It's utterly ridiculous, more comical than erotic, but as a parody of the romance genre, it's bang-on.
"I waited patiently, wondering whether perhaps he meant my antennae, or my third breast, or my laser beam nipples."
As much fun as the explosive antics of the fairy pixie, her centaur, and their tentacle vampire were, Alien Stripper Boned From Behind By The T-Rex is an even stronger, more genuinely (if bizarrely) romantic tale. This had a very Total Recall kind of feel to it, opening with the performance of a green-skinned, three-breasted stripper . . . who shoots lasers out of her nipples. Her dance is extremely erotic, and the way the crowd eggs her on makes for a fantastic show.
There's actually some background and character building to the story, with some odd details like the alien stripper's tentacle monster boyfriend (like a living bowl of spaghetti with a penis hidden somewhere near the center), and the T-Rex's voluptuous brontosaurus girlfriend (a girl with a humanoid body and a long, graceful brontosaurus neck), and it all climaxes in a romantic night of passion aboard a crashed UFO. What it lacks in logic and common sense, it makes up for in imagination and adventure.
Kindle: 68 pages
Published: May 16th 2016