In this episode of The One Problem, Dr Marsha Carr talks about bullying.

My name is Avil Beckford, and I'm the host of The One Problem podcast interview. We talk about one problem. Not all the problems in the world. Why get overwhelmed? Guests come on, they present a problem, and they have six minutes to offer a solution. It's a way for all of us to learn from each other. Most of the people that I have had on as podcast guests, I have some sort of relationship with them.

So, this week, my very special guest is Dr Marsha Carr. She's a professor at University of North Carolina, Wilmington, and I've known her for about ten years. We were just trying to figure out how long we've known each other. So over you, Marsha.

Marsha Carr

Thank you. So, my problem today, originally, when I talked to you, I had a different problem, and because we can only discuss one, I changed my problem based on a news article yesterday. So, the problem that I want to talk about today is Bullying. And we think of bullying as predominantly online these days.

We know of teenagers who are bullied. And we know there's a high suicide rate associated with it. But I want to talk about just bullying in general, because the bullying that's taking place online has now moved into real world. An example that I give you, is there was, I think she's a Senator, that has an opposing vote that did not sit well with some individuals of her own party. And while she was performing her job, she went into the restroom, and individuals, females followed her into the restroom.

One of them had their camera and was videotaping. Now this is in a women's bathroom, and the other one stood at the door of the stall and continued to harass her, reminding her that they could take her out of office because they put her in, while she was using the restroom. Now, first of all, it is illegal to videotape restrooms. And second of all, why would anyone think that this was an appropriate way to handle something if you disagree? And this has nothing to do with parties in the US, what affiliation of a party. It has to do with bullying.

Have you read or watched?

1. Gabriella O’Rourke, Business Consultant, Borden Ladner Gervais
2. Stefanie Booker Atchison, Wisdom Coach & Motivational Speaker
3. Michelle Griffin, Founder Brandthority, Building Your Personal Brand
4. Donna Knutson, Founder of Write Journeys
5. Sophie Gray, Founder of DiveThru: Being Disconnected from Yourself
6. The One Problem Interview with Lois McGuire, Author
7. The One Problem Interview with Roberta Liebenberg, Senior Law Partner
8. The One Problem Interview: Angela Payne, Founder Leed HR
9. The One Problem Interview: Rose-marie Fernandez, Founder Coaching Worx
10. The One Problem Interview: Reverend, Dr Cheri DiNovo
11. The One Problem Interview: Hillary Sobel, Lawyer
12. The One Problem: Janet Zaretsky, BS Brilliance Master

Marsha Carr

So, now how do we solve something this horrendous? I think that first of all, it is a mindset right now that because we're on social media, we are mean. We bully people. And we say things that are inappropriate. A guideline that we have to start looking at is would we say that to the person if they were standing in front of us. And we saw them as a human being, would we write the things that we write online? Would we feel comfortable doing that? And I don't think that we would.

So I think that we have to ask ourselves, we have to stop in situations like this, and we have to say, “what are professional ways to disagree with someone?” I read a quote by Morgan Freeman and I thought it was so appropriate, and I will mess this up. So my apologies to Morgan Freeman. Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I hate you. And we have gotten to a place where it's hatred.

If we disagree, then you hate me, or I hate you. So how do we tell ourselves, how do we move into a more humane way to talk to each other? And I think it's taking a step back, taking a couple of breaths, and seeing that person as a human. Just because they disagree with you doesn't give you the right to bully. And it is bullying. What I see online is bullying. What happened in that restroom to that Senator is bullying. There is no other way to describe this.

Marsha Carr

And even if you are bullying online, then don't carry it into your real world experience. You don't do it in reality. So I would advocate that we first just stop and take a breath. If you see something that you disagree with, just stop and think about it. What is a professional way to respond to that person? The other thing I would ask us to think about is why is that person saying that. They may be saying something very hateful, very mean. But there could be a reason that's happened to them that day that has evoked them to say something like that.

So, ask them.

“I see that you're really upset by this, and it has angered you. Can you tell me why, or is there something going on in your life?”

I saw a thing, and I'm not a Taylor Swift fan, but apparently, she deals with this all the time. And she actually wrote a song. I've never actually heard the song, I confess. But excerpts from her song were actually used in something I looked up on bullying. And her entire message was,

“If you are saying mean things to me, and you're bullying me, then something is wrong in your life. Something is causing you to act like this. Are you okay”

And that was her whole message.

Just ask the person, “are you okay?” And see if you can de-stress them or calm them down to the point where there can be a conversation. The other thing is, I got off of Facebook. I ended it. I couldn't handle seeing the bullying, the negative messages, the horrendous things that define us as a culture, that this was us. And I just said, you know what? I don't need this. And I did try to intervene a couple of times and ask people

“I disagree with you, but I'm not angry with you. I don't hate you.”

Dr Marsha Carr, Professor at University of North Carolina, Wilmington Talks About Bullying

Marsha Carr

And there were times when they just kept calling me names and you couldn't even de-escalate it. So I got off. I just said, I don't need this in my life. But now I'm concerned that just getting off Facebook is not going to end it or Instagram or wherever else you're seeing it. Predominantly I'm seeing it on Facebook. When it starts carrying over into our everyday life, then that's a bigger problem. And that story yesterday devastated me to think that if I disagree with someone, and I realized that this is on a national level in the US, but I could disagree with someone, and they could just come into the bathroom and harass me and videotape it.

I can't imagine sitting in a stall and having someone outside videotaping me. It's like I would never come out again. So, I just think that we need to take deep breaths. We need to become humans again, and we need to see the people in front of us as humans, whether it's in a Zoom meeting, whether it's on a Facebook chat, whether it's on Instagram or Twitter or whatever. And I acknowledge that the professionals and the legislative members and people in professional positions and government officials are not modeling for us at all.

And I totally get that. But we can get above that. We need to be accountable to ourselves for our actions. You should never bully someone. And you should always treat them as humanly as possible, thinking that they may have had a bad day. Something horrible may have happened in her family, and they're just lashing out, and they need to do that. So be sympathetic but own it and don't participate. Don't be a bully. Back to you, Avil.

Avil Beckford

Oh, my. I mean, I'm speechless. But this is good that we're talking about it, and it's a very topical thing, and it needs to be addressed. So thank you so much for highlighting that as the one problem.

The most accomplished people use books as problem solving tools. They carve out the time in their schedule to find solutions in the pages of a book. Let me help you to solve your own problems. Additionally, this program helps you to learn valuable career skills. Click the link MoreReads Success Blueprint Accelerator Program to buy.

The post Dr Marsha Carr, Professor, University of North Carolina, Wilmington appeared first on The Invisible Mentor.