By Books Writer Denise Turney

Change isn’t the only constant in this world. There may never come a time when you aren’t asked to do something. It could be as simple as a friend asking you to babysit, a colleague asking you to fill in for him while he’s on vacation or aging parents requesting that you spend more time with them. The only ways around this may be to isolate yourself.

Isolate or Speak Up

For instance, you could build a cabin in a remote area. Should you truly Love the great outdoors, this could prove to be a good choice. Of course, you’d have to hope that no one else moved into the area or contacted you virtually, requesting something of you.

But, that choice could impact your life in unexpected, and, maybe even in unwanted ways. It might also put you in a mode of running from experiences that you don’t want instead of making choices that take you into experiences that cause you to feel joy.

Fortunately, there’s another option open to you when it comes to dealing with constant requests, things that pull on your time and shift your focus and energy. You could learn to Speak up for yourself. Love Pour Over Me’s Raymond Clarke may know this best. After all, he learned this lesson an emotionally hard way.

Why It’s Hard to Speak Up for Yourself

Hopefully, you’ll listen to what life is telling you and not suffer before you learn to speak up for yourself. And, it sounds easy enough – speaking up for yourself. This choice sounds simple and easy. Yet, it might be one of the hardest things that you face.

Why?

When you learn to speak up for yourself, you risk disappointing the very people who’ve been leaning on you. You might frustrate and anger people who have been relying on you to help them fulfill their responsibilities. People who once drew near to you might avoid you, gossip about you and stop speaking with you. That, or they might try to talk you into doing what they want you to do again.

Getting Comfortable with Conflict

According to Psychology Today, you might find it difficult to speak up for yourself, telling people “no” when they ask you to do something for them for several reasons. For starters, you might not like conflict. This is an item that I am way too familiar with. Just don’t like conflict. Years ago, my dislike for conflict found me saying “yes” to almost any request.

Didn’t matter how exhausted I was. I said “yes” to people whose schedules weren’t as jammed as mine. Then, my life became simply overwhelming. That’s when I learned to speak up for myself. And, yes – some people were taken aback, as they’d grown accustomed to me adhering to their requests. Know what? Just like Raymond Clarke in Love Pour Over Me, I got accustomed to the change. In time, the requesters also become familiar with how I was now speaking up for myself.

Outcome? Gone was the feeling of constantly being overwhelmed. Another benefit was that my self-respect went way up. On top of that, I had time to do what brought me joy. More peace also came to me.

Why You Might Feel Afraid to Say “No”

Those benefits alone are enough to learn to speak up for yourself. However, in addition to not liking conflict, others reasons why you might not want to speak up and tell someone that you don’t want to do something are because you don’t want to upset the person or you might fear hurting the person’s feelings.

Here are more reason why you might fear speaking up. Do any of these resonate with you? Have you caught yourself wrestling with any of the below challenges:

• Growing up, you watched a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc. “give in” and repeatedly do whatever was asked of her/him
• Believing that everyone “gives in” to what’s asked of them
• Telling yourself that the requests are “small” and “no big deal”
• Thinking that speaking up for yourself won’t change anything – convincing yourself that even if you say “no”, people will continue to ask you to do favors for them
• Fearing that if you tell someone “no”, they won’t be there for you should you need them to do something for you

You could do what I did and absolutely wear yourself out trying to be all things to dozens of people. Take that approach and people may tell you how “sweet” you are and how much they love working with you. Howbeit, you also might get little sleep, feel agitated, unappreciated and like your life is out of your hands (or out of your control).

How to Speak Up for Yourself

Check out these ways to learn to speak up for yourself. As a tip, try to incorporate one to two of these actions into your life and see how much better you feel.

• Start small – Tell someone whether you want to take on a small project or not. Be honest. Love yourself regardless of how the person responds.
• Ask the requester to give you a few hours or a few days to get back to them. During that time, consider your priorities, what you want to focus on and if you’re willing to take away from your “rest and relaxation” time.
• Offer to accept responsibilities that connect with goals and dreams that you have.
• Consider taking on tasks that sharpen your leadership skills.
• Ask someone who’s done what you’ve been asked to do what the experience is like. In other words, get advice and insight before you respond.
• Let the person know that you’ll do what they ask, but will need to revisit the request after a certain number of days, weeks or months. Keep the door open for change.

You Teach People How to Treat You

Speaking up for yourself is a sign of self-respect. When you consider that you teach people how to treat you, it may become clearer how speaking up for yourself is an act of self-love. Even more, as you share your honest thoughts, including whether or not your schedule permits you to take on more responsibilities, however small those responsibilities appear, you show others how to value their time.

Considering that someone is watching you and learning from how you interact with others, you could also be empowering another person. As an example, you could empower a child, niece, nephew or friend as they watch you speak up for yourself in loving, healthy ways. As your time starts to free up, you also might start to nurture better relationships.

Your well being could improve. Also, what you’ll likely discover is that you have to learn to speak up for yourself in your personal, social, spiritual and work environments. That includes speaking up for yourself at worship centers, while attending social events and during office meetings. It’s a rewarding habit to get into. Once you start speaking up for yourself in healthy, loving ways – keep it up!

Resources:

1.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201601/why-is-it-hard-say-no-and-how-can-you-get-better-it#:~:text=Many%20of%20us%20are%20afraid,or%20a%20supervisor%20or%20boss.

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