dedicated to my devastatingly gorgeous best friend entering the last leg of her twenties.
With your last years in being a Twenty something ahead of you now there are some lessons that might assist you on your way. Women way before me laid the path, and women coming way after me will create their own, but for now let’s take a moment to remember what we have done so far!
Trust me I don’t really want to be the one to tell you all these things. Your twenties is an endless dark hole that drags you further down than you could have ever imagined, and you think the beginning of your twenties are hard, but sadly you haven’t seen the worst yet. As you move further into those dark years the people around you will find new ways of letting you know that you are failing. The trick is to spend this time to focus on your mental strength so that no matter what anyone says you won’t waver.
1. Stay focused. While it might seem sometimes like you have left the worst behind this is only the beginning. Keeping your mind busy and staying focused on your goals is one of the greatest ways to let go of twenty something anxiety. Use this time to remind yourself what you want out of life and fight your way there. You might see people around you are reckless and “living life” but the truth is most of them are just hiding from reality. Partying is fun and encouraged but don’t get lost in the “yolo” of it all (I threw up in my mouth a little using that expression).
2. Be open to change! Being a teenager and an early twenty something can sometimes be your biggest enemy when you reach your late Twenty Somethings. You have spent that time fighting so hard for your opinions and your view of life, so now when change comes it is easy to be negative to it at first. Try to open yourself up to change and open your mind up to new pathways. Especially when you hear something that makes you mad! Instead of writing that statement/opinion off as “wrong” or useless to you try to understand the person and their experiences behind the statement (unless they are racist that fucking shit should be punishable with jail time).
3. Learn to let fucking go. Now this is a big one folks. There are times in your early (and probably many times in a lifetime) twenty somethings when you want to hold on to something so hard you will destroy everything else around you. Learning to let shit go will save you time and energy and as a bonus when you learn to swiftly let go you will notice how much growth you can do in such a short time. The world will falsely tell you that holding on (to bad friendships, to bad marriages, to your outdated opinions) is somehow a sign of being strong, but it’s truly a sign of being afraid. Your fear is what makes you hold on to the familiar, the fear of the unknown, and the fear of loosing who you are. You will continue to grow while still being who you are at your core if you are open to change, and open to letting change into your heart and your mind.
4. Learn to be selfish but not self obsessed. Teaching people to be selfish is one of my greatest passions in life. I think we all need to be more selfish for us to be better people to others. See the thing is guys that learning to set your own boundaries and learning what you need to feed your own soul is not a sign that you don’t care about anyone else. It is a sign that you value yourself and the relationship with yourself. After all that relationship is the only one you will have your whole life. Start to say no when you want to say no (I mean don’t be a dick if your friend needs help moving the couch) and start becoming comfortable with simply saying “no this is my time with me” and watch as your mind will flourish. We live in a world where self-obsession is so normal, we hardly even think about it anymore, but self obsession is what happens when you think you are somehow responsible for other people. To give you an example think about all the parents out there who say having children is the meaning of life (placing your life’s meaning onto another individual is not okay) and simultaneously they will make a lot of statements about what their child will NOT be allowed to do. These children now have to grow up with the pressure of being someone else’s meaning in life (like what the fuck does that even mean) but at the same time they aren’t allowed to think for themselves. That’s self obsession from parents! The parents are so obsessed with themselves that they are literally creating little copies of themselves who they are controlling to not grow and evolve but rather directly dictate whatever mom and dad wants. The biggest gift you will give yourself now in your late twenty somethings is to become the kind of person who treats themselves well, allows themselves to make mistakes, accepts the changes they are going through, and most of all learns how to not be self obsessed.
5. Stop blaming your past! This one goes hand in hand with the one above ladies and gentlemen. You see you have now entered the time when excuses aren’t valuable anymore. You might have been able to blame your parents and their toxicity, or blame your troubled teen years, or even blame your own stupidity as a child. Not anymore. While it might be tempting to tell yourself (and others) that you are the way you are because of so and so nobody gives a fuck now. Everyone (and I do mean everyone) had a shitty time at some point during the adolescent years so why the fuck do you think you are so special?! Learning to not just let go but also starting to practice not using excuses anymore will help you greatly in life. There is no cushion to land on if you keep being an asshole but excuse your behavior with your past there is only the hard brick wall of being punched in the face by reality.
6. Accept your own responsibility. Many say that forgiveness is a sign of growth, and I absolutely agree, however I also believe accepting your own responsibility is a bigger sign of growth. When something truly shitty happens to you it’s natural to get stuck in the misery a little and it feels like you will never be able to get back up. It feels like the world has crashed down on us and we want to hide under the covers or at least train our minds to just forget what happened. Learning to move through the trauma in your life by accepting your own responsibility will help you understand that everyone carries trauma with them. It hurts like a bitch and it might take a long time to get there but oh my the rewards are endless when you understand your own part. You will start to listen to other people and realize they are still not accepting their part because they are still placing blame on outside forces. You will recognize how they are throwing their own issues onto other people just because they haven’t been able to take some of the responsibility.
7. Stop making excuses. This one might look like “stop blaming your past” but this one is a different kind of lesson. This lesson is about alllllllll those little excuses we make as to why we can’t do this or that. We blame everything else before we admit (if ever) that the only thing standing in our way is our own uncertainty. Your late twenty somethings are the perfect time to stop making all kinds of excuses because this lesson will help you with alllll the other ones. You see when you complain, and bitch and moan, you are sending a signal to yourself that you are unhappy. That unhappy feeling then manifests itself inside of you and continues to grow each day until you are so comfortable in your unhappiness that you don’t even notice it. While there of course are some things we just have to bite down on and accept for the time being, try to manifest the life you are working towards and manifest the happiness you want to feel before you are there. The secret (which isn’t really a secret people just don’t fucking listen) is that your mind is actually what controls everything in your life. Being able to control your mind and not let it control you is the key, but it is not going to be easy. Most people find it much more comfortable to live in ignorance so don’t become one of them. Stop making up excuses to why you won’t change your life, either make a change, or shut the fuck up and quietly work towards your goals.
8. Keep things to yourself. Woven together with my last point is this one. There is nothing more devastating than hearing other people tear down your ideas and dreams. Learn how to keep them to yourself until they are ready to be lived fully! I am always a big supporter of having friends or family to talk to, but you shouldn’t tell them everything. Again, you have a relationship with yourself before anyone, so how would you feel if your closest friend started telling all your shit to other people? Exactly, not good so stop your mouth from telling all your minds secrets you guys are in this together. It’s easy to fall for the temptation of getting praise but the praise will be even bigger when you show people what you are made of when they had no idea you had that in you.
9. Stop the comparisons! Your late twenty somethings will bring even more tempting ways to compare yourself to others. We as people are all on different paths in life and even though we have people around the same age as we are does not mean they are going down the same path. Your path might look stupid and broken to someone else and vice versa but there is no need to compare yourself to them. The same goes for how we look! Our bodies are unique in their own ways just like our minds are, and we need to love our own. Tell your body and your mind that you love them. And tell your body and your mind that you will accept their flaws even when other don’t. Forgive your body it needs it!
10. Create some great habits. The entire twenty something adventure is just ten years of not really understanding what is going on. Our whole lives we have been told to go to school, get a job, get a life. But then your twenties are there, and you suddenly realize it has all been one big lie. School won’t be more than that place you once hated, but now you kind of miss it because you didn’t have any responsibilities, and then higher education is just the same except you are now somehow responsible for yourself at the same time! This is the time to rip out all the pages in your planner and start with new blank pages and set your own rules. Creating good habits and routines will help you keep your focus and you will discover what you value I your life. It doesn’t matter what your habits are just create some good ones that make you feel good, maybe some habits you have always wanted to have but never did, or something your thought you would never be able to do. Nothing feels better than doing something you can’t do, practicing and honing, and then discovering you have learned a brand-new skill you always dreamed of having.
11. Learn to listen instead of giving advice or matching the feeling/experience. There are many times when we want to give advice to other people, because they are complaining or venting their feelings, but learning how to stop giving that advice might be the greatest thing you will ever learn. Sometimes all we want is to vent our feelings and say out loud what we feel inside but that doesn’t mean we want advice on how to “fix” it. It’s tempting to be the person who can fix problems for others, but there is a whole profession for that called psychiatry. And the funny part is, even a psychiatrist is mostly there to listen! Many seem to think that a therapist is the one who is supposed to have the solutions. No, the solutions are inside of you but if you keep expecting other people to hand you the answer you won’t ever find it. The same goes for your friends when they complain about life. They aren’t looking for the answer or the “fix” they are looking for someone to say I hear you and I am here for you. Being there for another person means accepting them as they are, accepting that they will not do what you would do, and accepting that if you bother to give advice most likely they won’t follow it! And you probably did the exact same to the person who tried to give you advice at one point. We can so easily see the problems with other people, but we are the last to know about our own. Learn how to say “I hear what you are saying and I am here if you need to vent more feelings” and then actually do it instead of offering friendly “advice” or even sharing a “similar experience” because sometimes that only tells the other person that you really didn’t listen you just compare yourself to them and it undermines their feelings. That doesn’t mean offering similar experiences doesn’t come from a place of love, but in the end we all feel like our own experiences are unique and having a friend tell you they aren’t could build resentment. Practicing this skill now will allow you to let go of so many insignificant problems that you didn’t even know you had. It truly amazing how many things we are holding onto just because we tried to “help” a friend.
12. Understand that your friends don’t have the answer for you. So, kind of the same thing as the previous but flipped back on you. You will have problems and issues where you tell your friends and then they offer advice or say I did the same and you will feel like you got nothing from them, actually it even made it worse because now you feel like you are complaining for no reason. This is the time for you to understand that if you need (and there is no shame in that) to speak to someone then you might want to speak to a professional. We all know that for people with low incomes etc it can be extremely difficult to find help, but if that is what you need then find it! These days you can pay around $40 to have a whole psychiatrist on your phone so you never even have to leave the house to get help. Not to mention the help lines you can call. Many people might think this is a waste, and maybe you feel like nah you can figure this out and just talk to some friends, which is awesome for you. But if you happen to be someone who finds it frustrating when your friends just don’t listen because they are too busy comparing their lives with yours then the problem is actually yours and you need to change who you talk to. Friends are great for so many things in life, but this ain’t one of them!
13. Start speaking up! To finish off the list I want to say a little about learning how to speak up. This lesson has so many parts to it it’s almost hard to begin. You need to speak up for yourself and you need to speak up for other people. Speaking up for yourself is what I talked about in the point above this one. Speaking up for others is when you unpack your own privileges and decide to start using yours to help those who don’t have them. You have had the experiences you have had; no one can take them away from you, and no one can tell you they didn’t happen. But listen, there are so many people out there who would kill for even a chance to have some of those experiences even though they might have been hurtful for you personally. It doesn’t make your experience less valid or less important, but it means that you have had opportunities and blessings other people haven’t had. You have to understand what situations it is inappropriate for you to speak up for yourself and what situations where it is more important that you speak up for someone else. One does not exclude the other. Silence has done too much damage for way too long, so this is the time for you to start using that voice for something useful. It will be hard at first, and people will tear you down for it, but when they do that you have to go back and remind yourself what we talked about in our lesson of understanding when other people are projecting themselves. You will be called names and accused of a lot so the trick is to stay strong in your mind and remember that simply because someone is hurling insults at you doesn’t not mean you have to retaliate. Stay grounded, stay strong, and most of all stay loud because the silence is what kills.
A part of me wishes this list could have been more positive but the truth is that your last years of a twenty something person aren’t years for positivity and comfort. We learn from the times we fail and if you are spending your twenty somethings only having a great time without failure then life certainly has a few things in store for you. Take this time to fail and be in pain because honestly being in your twenties is painful either way. The more you fall the higher you will eventually climb if you just keep fucking going. Now stop being a little bitch, strap on your safety equipment (your mental health) and go out into the world who is waiting to tear you back down!
The most important lesson perhaps is to understand that life is completely unpredictable. My lessons are in no way a “how to” list which can give you all the answers. You must go out and fail, to gain the tools and mechanisms that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
With love and understanding, and especially no judgement, I wish you safe travels as you start to wander through the last years as a twenty something.
