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To Chichu with Love

“ Dear Chichu, I should not write this letter addressing you. In fact I shouldn’t address anyone. But I have to do this today and now and there is no other way for me.

Chichu, you78052-425x282-Person_writing_a_letterare almost 25 years younger to me and you call me daddy, but I never felt that distance of age and complexity of relation – dad and son between us. The secret is, I always look myself in you and I see myself growing again. Those smiles, those eyes, daring acts, making funny faces. Simply everything of yours is mine. You are so precious to me Chichu.

That means I am Writing this note to myself.

Chichu, as I am writing this note, my hands are shaking and heart is getting heavier and my eyes cannot control the overflow of tears.  Still I am gaining my best of strength ever left in this life to write this note.

The next few words are very important. So please read them carefully.

I AM ENDING MY LIFE TODAY. I AM PLANNING TO LEAVE THIS WORLD. LEAVING YOU, YOUR MAMA EVERYONE………………

I know how you might be feeling now. This is a big burden of truth for you to handle at your age of 11. You might want to slap me for doing this and leaving you all behind in troubles, but trust me, I don’t have any other option left to survive in this world.

Like everyone, I didn’t grow up to survive in this world. I always think that I am born to earn fame and grow beyond boundaries. I always believed that I am an artist and explorer of this world as a writer and not tagged myself with the tagged professions of this society.

My Father started judging me from that very belief since childhood.  He wanted me to do something safe and predictable. My route is different, which he never understood. I think my path of failure started that time.

I still remember the late dinner talk with my father when my mom was just a mute spectator. I failed my Plus 2, a penalty for spending late nights on writing scripts for the local theater group.

“ What do you wanna become?” question came from my pop’s mouth.

“Papa, I want to become the nation’s best script writer and Director. I want to make films which touches the soul of Indian audience, but with masala and entertainment.  I cannot fit into the predictable chakra of careers and jobs, I am different.”, I replied. I don’t know how could I say these to him. In general, I shit a ton in my pants when he shouts on me.

“ And how much that madness of yours earns for the family?”, he simply asked.

“ Papa, If I become successful I will be a millionare and highly famous. Wealthy, we, working middle class, never ever imagine”.

WHAT IF YOU FAIL!

This is is not the first time, I heard this negative response from him, but that day, his tone has created a small fear in my heart.  Since that night, that fear stayed in me, lived with me, grew with me.

My worst nightmare of turning as failure turned as my living reality.  10 years of fight and struggle, writing hundreds of scripts, trying to work as Spot Boy, Assistant Director and all the menial jobs, my dream of becoming a director never happened.

I left home in pursuit of my journey after that dinner fight.  This continued every fortnight after that.

Your mother is a great human being, highly sensible. Despite my failure as a husband and a father, who should be the bread winner of the family, she took the responsibility, sensing the early signs of possible famine; she got into the job and handled us.

Guess my papa had a great judgement of my future – that this loser cannot survive on his own. Hence, he bought a responsible and sensible daughter in law.

Luck was never my side, Chichu.  Hence, I don’t deserve this life too.

I always visualized myself as successful and  an inspiring person in my field of writing and making films. At this moment of life, with nothing about myself, I don’t dare to  look into mirror sometimes.  I am ashamed of myself.

I muster all my courage to do this act now.

As I am writing this letter, I am sitting in a chair just opposite to your bed. Your innocent face is facing towards me, those little hands of yours are stuck beneath your face, a beautiful smile on your face.

When you wake up and read this, when your mom and my father knows about my death – happinesss will be gone for sometime. Pain and gloom will prevail in the home. But you guys will prevail and survive.

My presence is not all making a great difference, so will be my death.

One piece of advice for you, my dear Chichu – always seek the advice of your beloved while you follow your heart. And pls know this. Your dad always loves you.

Be a brave boy!

Loves and kisses

Papa,

Aditya

Ronit’s eyes filled with tears, as he folded the letter and kept in his pocket. The entire auditorium turned silent for the next few minutes.  The hall filled with hundreds of audience, media and security who were all excited and shouting till few minutes before, are now waiting for someone to help them talk. Trance of surprise and shock is in the air.

“So Ronit, quite a burden you have kept with yourself. We are all proud of you, including your dad”,the anchor managed to talk and the entire hall is filled with roar of applause.

A hand came on to the Ronit’s shoulder and turned him and hugged him. Looking at him, the entire audience stood and clapped.

“There you go, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Aditya, himself, the iconic director of our times, a proud father to a great son and the recipient of Best Director award for this year Star Glitz Awards.”

Celebrities came on the stage to give away the award.

“Now if you may allow, I would love to receive this award, from this fine gentleman, my son – Ronit.”, Aditya said.

“Ronit, Ronit, Ronit”, the auditorium revebrated with his name, as Aditya received his 4th award in his career.

“ How did Aditya survived his suicide phase, what happened that day, when he left from home?”,  questions started storming in every one minds.

As Aditya came near the podium to talk, everyone came to alert.

“ This award means a lot to me, more than that this life means a lot me, 11 years before – on that day, as I wrote the letter and came out of home. I have to walk atleast 25 kms to reach the suicide point – no penny in my pocket. I took all my writing stuff along with me. I wanted to end this along with me.

As I am walking towards with full of sweat and no slippers, bare foot, one person who is doing his morning jog spotted me and came to me impatiently.

“So you don’t leave me here also,  how many times did I have to tell you – not to follow me, stalk me at my home and my office”, the person thundered on me.

He is the Bollywood’s most successful and top-notch producer – Dinesh Banerjee.

Suddenly, don’t know how I gathered my courage. A kind of gut feeling and courage comes to a person, when he has nothing to loose.

I kept my decision to die paused for a moment and gave my best pitch in that moment. Remember I have nothing to lose.

“Ganesh ji,  if you have all the energy to say no and push me away, you should have patience and an ear for my story, what I wanted to present you.”

“ I don’t know, what went through his mind, probably, no assistants or P.As around to push me away. He got my attention. He sat on the bench on the side walk and asked me to tell my story and the rest is history.”

“ That evening when I came home, my son just looked at me.  The atmosphere was normal. Ronit didn’t tell anyone that day. He didn’t share this till now. Was surprised that he kept this letter with him.”, says

Aditya, an almost dead man, now the country’s successful director and a great father to a great son.

Writer Ghost

 

 




This post first appeared on I Am The World N World's Me – Stories From The Mind N Heart Of A Lifetime Nomad, please read the originial post: here

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To Chichu with Love

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