Another week, another blog post. With surgery being twelve weeks long, I had a lot of time to collect quotes. So here is Things I Heard in Medical School: Volume 31 — featuring more surgical debauchery!
Resident: “Hey little lady, do you want to come on this case with me?” | Me internally: “Call me little lady one more time bro.”
Attending: “I don’t want this pansy ass music playing someone change this music!” | *Nurse changes to trap/rap* | Attending: “Ayeeeeee now we’re talking!” *proceeds to dance and rap for next two minutes*
Resident: “Have you ever put a foley in?” | Me: “Only on female patients.” | Resident: “Hehehe we gonna have fun today.” | Me: “Jesus Christ.”
Attending: “Oh my gosh you have small hands!” | Me: “Yes sir I do.” | *attending proceeds to shove my hand elbow deep into a patient’s abdomen* | Attending: “Just hold that right there okay?” | Me: “Ummm…”
Resident 1: “Why is this list so long?! Why are you making me see all these patients? You ruined my morning.” | Resident 2: “I….. never mind I’ll stay quiet.” | Me: “Good idea, dude.”
Scrub Tech: “Hold on doctor I’m just going down here to clip this wire so it doesn’t fall.” | Attending: “Yeah sure. And while you’re down there, you can just go ahead and help me out too.” | Me and the Resident internally: “Dude.”
Attending: “Dude.” | Resident: “Yes sir?” | Attending: “Nah not you dude. Alisha.” | Me: “Sir my name is Jasmin.” | Attending: “DUDE REALLY?! Okay sure can you retract right here?”
Resident: “After hernia surgery you have to check and make sure the testicles are in place. You want to check?” | Me: “Well, seeing that you are already holding them I think it’s safe to say they are fine. See you outside!” | Resident: “Wait what?”
Attending: “Did anyone just fart?!?” | *awkward silence* | Attending: “I need to know if we perf’ed the bowel or if someone is just being gross!”
Me: “Dear. God. What did I do. To get stuck. with four bumbling idiots?” | Resident: “Excuse me?!?” | Me: “It’s not always about you!”
Attending: “Stop pulling the vein you are going to rip it!” | *Resident continues to pull on vein* | Attending: “HELLO ARE YOU DEAF YOU IDIOT STOP PULLING!”
Resident: “Do you want to see a lap chole with me? | Me: “I have already seen five…” | Resident: “Great see you in the OR!”
Attending: “MOTHERF—-ER!” | Resident: “What happened?!?” | Attending: “Nothing dude just saying.”
Resident: “We have to get in there before he goes in and makes a huge, unnecessary incision!” | Me: “Hate to break it to you but…” | Resident: “GOD DAMMIT!”
Resident 1: “Why do I keep ending up in the OR with you?” | Me: “Trust me if I had the resident list I would avoid you every day.” | Resident 2: “Burnnnnn.”
Me: “Why are you always in the call room?” | Resident: “Hehehehe.” | Me: “This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy you know!!”
Attending: “Small hands! Shove your finger in this loop and don’t let go.” | Me internally: “I guess I’ve finally found my true calling.”
Resident: “You have been on surgery for a while it’s not acceptable that you don’t know how to suture. It’s not professional.” Me: “Um…. this is my first day…” | Resident: “Oh… well… this is awkward.”
Attending: “Why are there so many f—ing people in my OR!” | Scrub tech: “Sir… this isn’t your OR.” | Attending: “Oh…. okay but still this is a lot.”
