I’m halfway through family medicine! Although I am learning a lot about the field, I’m also learning a lot from my patients. And by learning, I mean listening to them say or do the most ridiculous things. And the attendings and residents aren’t that far behind either. Hope you enjoy this edition of Things I Heard in Medical School! Let me know in the comments down below.

Me: “Is there anything else you would like to discuss with the doctor?” | Patient: “Oh yeah by the way the baby fell off the bed.” | Me internally: “OKAY WAIT WHAT.” | Me externally: “Okay. Is he okay?” | Patient: “I mean I guess?”

“Guys only shave their heads if they want to sleep alone forever.”

US Med. Student: “Why are you here? Aren’t you a foreign student, like from that island?” | Me: “I’m from North Carolina. Why is that so hard to believe.”

Me: “So I have your next patient. They dropped their baby, but can’t remember when they did. And slept through the crying. And didn’t go to the ED.” | Resident: “Stop joking and present the case.” | Me: “Boy I wish I were.”

Patient’s family: “What do you mean you won’t see us anymore?!” | Nurse: “You assaulted our doctor and degraded our staff and that is not accepted here.” | Family: “WELL I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!” | “Well I don’t give a SHIT either!” *slams phone*

Nurse: “I was just running around looking for Pokemon.” | Attending: “What are you, 12?”

Patient: “We shouldn’t be letting all these immigrants become doctors with our tax money. “| Me around the corner: “I was born hereeeeeeee.”

“I need my hammer because I’m going to use it on all of you to knock out the stupid.”

Resident: “Why is this laptop not working?” | Attending: “Let me see… this is the resident laptop.  So it’s been on kicked, dropped and thrown around.”

“We never want to harm anyone. And if we do, we better get a lesson out of it so we never do it again.”

“Do you guys just have short term memory? Don’t say no — you all know you do.”

“Wait… so she came to us because she was feeling better? Do you want to rethink that statement?”

“Do you know what the CNS penetration of doxycycline is? F–KING. ZERO.”

“People now days are just throwing any medicine at diseases hoping one will stick.”

“Oh. So as soon as he was put on my service he decides to die? Eh. He was supposed to die a while ago anyway.”

Attending: *bangs head on wall* “Guys. You are making me look stupid.”

US Med. Student: “So when you guys finish you will go back to Grenada…. right? Like you aren’t going to stay here, right?”

Patient: “I’ve been burping this whole time!” | Nurse: “Ma’am I haven’t heard you burp a single time.” | “Deaf! All of you!”

“I don’t even know why we are teaching you this if the whole system is changing in September.”

“When you write your script you better write the doctor’s name because I am not a mind reader, I don’t have a crystal ball and I don’t have a Harry Potter wand.”

“Rule 1: If a guy is given the option of sex with only condoms or no sex at all, he sure as hell will pick the first option. Rule 2: If he doesn’t have condoms, refer to rule one.”

“Do guys like old breasts or young ones? It’s okay don’t be shy we all know what you are thinking.”

“If you aren’t educated, you are screwed.”

“Gosh darn it I hate it when my bladder spasms.”

Security Guard (giving a tour to the NEW security guard): “Yea so this hospital is a really weird place. Sketchy as hell, man.”

Resident: “Well her troponins are elevated. | Attending: “She is 80.” | Resident: “And she has EKG changes. | Attending: “…. She is 80.” | Resident: “And she has some leakiness in her valves.” | Attending: “SHE. IS. 80.”

Patient: “Don’t turn 50. Everything gets bad after that.” | Me: “Yes ma’am I’ll try not to.”

“My dad used to tell me that if he could kill everyone, including himself, when they hit the age of 70, he would. Because getting old sucks.”

Patient: “I wish I were a lot younger so you could be my full time doctor.” | Me: “Sir it is okay I think this interaction is more than enough.”

Patient: “So I have this rash. | Me: “Okay sir give me one second to pull up your chart.” *looks up and his pants are down* | Me internally: “Why me.”