for anyone who really cares, here’s where I’m currently at in life.
I am depressed all the time.
I don’t feel panicky all the time but every time I go to do anything, I overthink every little detail and I just feel like I can’t even get through the day without worrying about something.
All I want to do is smoke because it’s the only thing that makes me happy and worry-free.
I recognize that that’s bad. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not addicted to it, like I can do without it, but it’s just what I want to do all the time because there’s nothing else I can do. At least it passes the time peacefully.
My medicine sucks, life sucks, and I want to go back to self-harm but I know that I can’t. I don’t want to but at least it’s a distraction.
I just want to sleep forever.
I just want to be at peace with myself and with the world.
I had to quit my church’s show.
I’m an atheist but I was raised Presbyterian and I basically grew up in my church. I love my church. It’s really more like a social setting for me because 99% of my closest friends are at church. I volunteer a lot through there at mission trips and stuff because I love volunteering and being active in my community and other communities that need help. I have been singing in my church’s Choir for 15 years. Out of anyone in our current choir, I have been there the longest, and I am so dedicated to the program. I absolutely love the church and it’s like my second home. I always have people there that I can go to if i need anything.
But with the panic disorder shit recently, I have been having to cut down on what I’m doing because I have negative energy and motivation. I didn’t audition for my school’s show, and I haven’t really done a lot of extracurriculars. The biggest of my extracurriculars was the church show, and I realized it was so emotionally and mentally draining that I couldn’t handle doing the show that’s scheduled to be performed in June. We haven’t really had any rehearsals for it and it’s not like I’m dropping out last minute. But my director, who has known me for my 15 years that I have spent in choir, did not react well to my decision.
She made a lot of passive aggressive comments and basically refuted everything she said. She said that it absolutely sucks and she said that she was sorry that choir was a burden. But choir isn’t a burden to me at all and I know that she knows that. She was just trying to manipulate me like she always fucking does to stay in the show. She said I basically ruined everything because I was the perfect one for the part and that she didn’t know what they would have to do if they had to recast (which they did, but it wasn’t difficult at all so thanks for that extra guilt). She also said that she said that she “hopes it resolves itself soon because I’m really worried about what you’d do in Massachusetts without your mommy being there for you.”
LIKE WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE????
Literally everyone else that I talked to about it was okay, like they were like do what you have to do because it’s for your own mental health. But she just went batshit crazy and I know I didn’t deserve that.
We’re currently learning about Freud, Maslow, and Erikson in school, and hearing all of their different theories on why the brain develops the way it does is so interesting but so scary. It absolutely terrifies me trying to understand how the brain works. I would rather remain in blissful ignorance and not know the true root of all my problems and personality flaws.
But one thing that stood out to me is the idea that people sometimes project their problems onto others. (I think Freud theorized that but I don’t really remember.) It seems to me that my director was projecting a lot of her problems and issues onto me because she just didn’t have any other form of release from it.
I understand that. My ex-boyfriend used to do that to me multiple times a day for nine months straight, so that was fun.
But it just makes it so hard for me to reconcile in my head what she said. It was just a complete slap in the face, and I thought that someone who has known me for that many years would be more understanding when I have a serious problem going on. But I’m not a fortune teller. And I don’t know everything.
I’ve been thinking about starting up smoking cigarettes instead of just MJ. But I also don’t want to get lung cancer and die when I’m 40. There’s just something about smoke coming out of my mouth that is so relaxing to me. It’s like I’m breathing out all my problems.
For now, I guess I’ll just stick to MJ.