WELCOME to this week’s episode of First Dates, where you can watch more people chewing than ever before.
I have to admit, this show is really starting to challenge my preconceptions about people, except for the one about horny old people being gross.
But more of that in a bit. First, let’s meet:
THE BEAUTY QUEEN AND THE DOOFUS
DeeDee is a smart, switched-on flight attendant and former Miss Lebanon Australia, who says she doesn’t like talking about herself. Her hobbies are smiling, wearing short shorts, and talking about herself.
Sean is a software salesman who cannot believe his luck.
It’s a pretty straightforward date. Let’s look at it in pictures:
He tells her he can’t believe how pretty she is.
She laughs.Source:Channel 7
He asks her why she’s single.
She laughs.Source:Channel 7
She mentions that she looks like a zombie when she wakes up, and he asks her what she sleeps in.
She laughs a bit less.Source:Channel 7
Sean falls deeply in love with Deedee and tries not to let it show on his face.
Sean fails.Source:Channel 7
By Awkward Question Time, we already know they’re going on a second date. Even though when he asks her for her number:
She laughs.Source:Channel 7
THE HORNY BOOMERS
Look, I understand that older people have active sex lives. I hope to eventually be one of them. But some talk about it like they have to prove it in a courtroom presided over by Pepe Le Pew.
We GET it, Donna and Tony. Your genitals still work.
“Who wouldn’t wanna date this?”, Donna, 52, asks us. “I’m an exceptional kisser”, she continues. “I love sex”.
Sex and hiccup burps.Source:Channel 7
Tony, 62, can barely be heard over the sound of little blue pills jangling in his pocket, but mentions that he wants a woman with a good libido.
And a nice cup of Horlicks.Source:Channel 7
Donna moans when she eats an oyster and asks the inevitable question: “So, do you have a bathtub in your backyard?” Tony recites a quote about the joys of bad girls that he probably heard in a film where colour was added in afterwards.
They’re laying it on a bit thick. It’s like a needle getting stuck on a sexual therapy record narrated by Maurice Chevalier (kids — go ask your grandparents what most of those words mean).
At Awkward Question Time, Donna surprisingly rejects Tony, which is a huge relief for everybody in the restaurant who worried they’d overhear them going at it in the bathroom.
Donna: 1. Little blue pills: 0.Source:Channel 7
We need to cleanse ourselves with something simple and wholesome. Maybe with:
THE CARPENTER AND THE PIXIE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN
This is Chris. Chris is handsome, sweet, and unfettered by the inconvenient burden of too much to think about.
GIRL NICE. CHRIS LIKE GIRL.Source:Channel 7
This is Hayley. Hayley loves being in love, horses, and pancakes, hopefully not in combination.
Wheeeee! Kittens.Source:Channel 7
Early in the date, Hayley tells Chris about the time she stalled her brother’s motorbike, and it’s the funniest story Chris has ever heard.
In the middle of the date, Chris tells Hayley there’s a 24-hour pancake restaurant just down the road, and it’s the best information Hayley has ever received.
By the end of the date, everybody within a 10km radius knows that, as long as there are no difficult-to-spell-or-pronounce words in the wedding vows, these kids are gonna make it.
Here comes the love choo-choo.Source:Channel 7
After the date they go for pancakes, which is obviously the best conceivable way a date can end.
LOVE IS REAL, YOU GUYS. And it reads at a 7th-grade level.
THE INTENSE GINGER AND THE LADY WHO TOLERATES HIM
“I’m baaaaaack!” says Lauren, of last week’s butter-phobic, not-crazy, three-year-plan fame. As she waits for her date, the barman asks what she’s looking for. “Someone to lead the conversation”, she responds, and weirdly the barman doesn’t gaffer-tape her mouth shut.
A look is worth a thousand unnecessary words.Source:Channel 7
Ginger entrepreneur Alan arrives, and he looks a little ... fastidious. Not bothering to dispel that image, he orders an expensive scotch with exactly two ice cubes. He compliments Lauren effusively. She lies and says she likes his pocket square.
Except for the one hundred per cent intensity that both Lauren and Alan throw at every detail of their lives, they make an unlikely couple. She normally goes for tall, muscular, tanned men, and he usually goes for women who aren’t fussy about personal space.
She can smell his Glenmorangie from there.Source:Channel 7
However, with only a brief hiccup when Alan orders and consumes butter, these two actually seem to hit it off. Despite her telling him that he’s not the type she usually goes for. Despite her telling a friend on the phone that she’d normally reject someone like him. Despite him asking for a tax copy of the restaurant bill.
Your eyes are the colour of a lodged BAS statement.Source:Channel 7
At Awkward Question Time, he says “I really had, authentically, a great time, and I’m kind of hiding and masking how I actually feel, which was that it was a lot of fun and I like you”. She responds with “We may come out of this as great friends, or we may come out of it as something more. I can’t give you an option for that right now? But what I can tell you is, regardless, I’d definitely like to see you again? I think you’re a great person”.
There you go. That’s how you say something in four hundred words that would take other people six.
These two deserve each other.
And EVERYBODY deserves:
THE BEAUTY AND THE BEEFCAKE
Jordan is a tradie and topless waiter. You can tell, because his undies say ‘Tradie’, and he’s topless.
Jordan would probably have trouble scratching his own armpit, and in the past he’s been hit in the face by a ‘female sex toy’. On paper, Jordan would be the person in this pairing to draw our focus. In reality, we can’t wait for his date Steph to say whatever she says next.
Steph loves make-up. LOVES IT.
Make-up makes Steph blush.Source:Channel 7
And we love Steph. For someone with so robust a cosmetic veneer on the outside, she is fiercely natural and bare on the inside. Steph says what she thinks, and she thinks restaurants are full of new and unusual experiences.
Like bread.Source:Channel 7
When the barman doesn’t charge Steph immediately for her drink, she thinks it’s free. When the waitress asks for her order, Steph reads the entire risotto listing to her, including the price. When Jordan tells her that her birthday is the same day as his ex-girlfriend’s, she tells him that his birthday is the same day that her dog died.
Steph is the absolute and unencumbered best person in this restaurant.
By the time Awkward Question Time arrives, we know that nobody in the entire world deserves Steph, so it’s a bit weird that Jordan rejects her.
She seems fine though.Source:Channel 7
Maybe he wants a girl who can recognise bread. Some people are just fussy, I guess.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely