Photo Credit: miranda.valenti12 via Compfight cc

So I’ve rewritten this post like a hundred times. Thanks to The Zen RN I found the courage to talk about suicide, depression, anxiety, and life. And I think talking about suicide is one of the hardest topics you can ever talk about. And to add severe allergies on top of it is seriously something I cannot even grasp to overcome. Not saying I’ve overcome it but most people who start the journey with allergies are more prone to depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I don’t know if speaking up and asking for help really helps since I’ve done all that and it seems like no one is ever willing to help or can’t. But here is a little glimpse of things that can lead you to those thoughts and how people around you can make it worse. And how to find it within yourself to alleviate the pain and struggle.

Last year I moved in with my family because most of my roommates didn’t care I was allergic to smokers. I had to move in with my family and let’s say the movies definitely lied to me. I thought my brother would understand but he didn’t stop smoking. I lost my job, reduced my food intake to account of the nickel I was getting from him, became allergic to my clothes, needed to wash my clothes from scratch, added to my sensitivity and now cannot handle everyday life with outside smokers, had nerve pains, chronic fatigue on the verge of being bed ridden. Even all this my family still says he wasn’t trying to kill me.

I really think my brother would have stopped smoking if I was dead. Unlike most allergies mine takes a while to get me really sick but when I am sick it takes ages to get better. It causes me severe anxiety leading to severe panic attacks, chronic nerve pains, and chronic fatigue. He would say there is no research anywhere. He also ignores ever doing any of this and never apologized or even made it better. Sometimes you get tired of yourself getting sick and just want it to stop and having no one around to stand up for you seriously made it a living hell. On top of everything, I need to prove how sick I was.

Here are most of the comments I’ve heard that really just make myself feel even worse;

• No one wants to live with you (told when I was having anaphylaxis due to a house I moved to which lied about smoking, I could have lived with my sister but apparently it didn’t matter if it would have saved my life)

• You make me feel bad (then stops talking to you)

• It’s all in your head (God I wish, I used to disregard my allergies when someone said this and it would make me even sicker)

Through all of this, I really didn’t have a good relationship with my body. It caused me so much pain and no one seemed to care enough about it so why should I. In my earlier years, I would cheat and pass out day in and day out when I was really depressed, a really bad way to self-harm because I really was damaging myself.

So I have food anxiety sometimes introducing foods in my diet seriously isn’t pleasant. I think this food allergy really has made food not enjoyable. Since I’ve had anaphylaxis, my food anxiety has shot through the roof and I need to figure out if I am having a reaction from the food or just anxiety.

Due to the last almost 2 years of people around people who are harming me. I have developed really bad social anxiety. It isn’t easy to socialize in your twenties when you are allergic to smokers. Not a lot of people would not smoke and wash if they are around smokers to be with you. Also, people don’t seem to care if they cannot see the reaction. I get extremely chronic nerve pains and they seem to happen hours later. So they cannot be accountable for their actions.

As a person of color who is allergic to products let’s just say you will not be represented. We seem to be overlooked on almost everything unless it’s popular or we get angry enough. I recently found out that there were nickel tested products but as always, they are no foundations for my skin color and no companies care’s enough to expand it and there isn’t any for my hair texture even the curly products dry my hair out. Having less nickel in your products can expand your food intake. I guess we don’t’ get that privilege.

Also, most companies aren’t very transparent and nickel free don’t always mean nickel free.

Due to my move from my family’s house. I had to start from scratch and find a new job. There are days I am in so much pain and I still need to go to work. If I am in an environment that has a lot of smokers or even someone who is lying to me. I have no control over that no matter what I still need to work. Sometimes I need to call someone in my lunch break for a pep talk. But oh the struggle is real.

These days are better than most but I cannot say I’ve overcome the dark times. I also know if all these things are happening to you, no one is equipped to handle all these things and also not have anyone defending you.

• I removed myself from people who would rather watch me sick than listen to me.

• I was very vocal about my allergy

• Keep people who are trying to help you even if it’s hard to

In all, getting help is all by luck, I think because allergies are so misinformed and most people will not give up things for you.

But mentally give yourself time. Any thoughts are up for debate even the dark ones. Question them. Also, shift your thinking of what life will be like. Sometimes the only victory you’ll have that day is you didn’t give up. Somedays it will be you didn’t itch. Surround yourself with people who won’t put you down for your allergies. Also stop judging your allergies there neither good or bad, they just are. Join a facebook group with people just like you.

Lastly, refuse to wear your allergy as an apology to anyone else or yourself. You and other’s are required to live life according to your allergies. And don’t be around people who make you feel like you are hard to love.