This morning I woke up with a surge of Confidence driven up my mind. Feeling refreshed, I took a while to get out of my bed, not the endless mindlessly scrolling on social media kind but I caught myself struggling hard not to think/attach to anything.
Unfortunately, it’s difficult when you Lack affirmative tools. See I did gentle yoga the day before and had a promising good rest, I am affirmative that I will pull myself together, if need be, after all, I am my own family, the four horsemen of Jennifer’s split personality working day and night, organizing and constructing unstructured meetings in my head.
6:49pm
The heart wants what it wants. Although Love is my inconstant, variable, the way I’m drawn to an individual like an eagle fixated on its prey. And I hate that my head behaves incoherently when I’m near them, acting nonchalantly when a thousand neurons charge toward the prefrontal cortex. Stuck in between the state of denial and acceptance, I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way after all the improvements made during these past 6 months with regard to self-love. I just can’t help but feel infatuated with someone whom I have no prior knowledge about, his background, status, aspirations, or interests. Nothing. Just a piece of delicious red meat slapped onto the blank canvas. Dangerous scent lingering around the room. I’m patient, quiet, and assertive. Held my grounds barred while covertly screaming, “Fuck me already”.
It’s weird. Because she lacks confidence, has her fair share of stuttering and fidgety during meetings. She still wears a mask in the office, although it’s almost half a year past mandatory law. Ineloquently spoke, oozing masculinity and tension showing heavy signs of jadedness. Showing unannounced, her energy dissipates all around the area. Have a tendency to be hated amongst peers and superiors. I hate she had to leave, but I am certain that humans have uncharted feelings and a million reasons to leave a toxic corporation. So there goes the love of my life, another one bites the dust. So let it be. Let my sadness wander just for a bit longer before I find another reason to attach, yet again.
And perhaps my pursuit of love is an essential dissenting lack of affirmations. I do not know what I want in life, I envisioned the many versions of the person who I longed for, particularly those who are well-behaved and as “structured” looking as me. Although I’m pretty sure the both of us would always end up with the same personality, only to rely on one another to latch on to toxicity.
But I’m a force of god, a thousand lives, a thousand opportunities, day in and day out. I believe I might just have the chance in love again. One day I’ll be with said person, happy and with no power play, contented and working towards building the ultimate retirement plan on a farm far away from civilization.
I am hopeful, as written in the stars. I want to belong and I want to love. I want to change and I want a chance. I want to believe and I want to be sure that whatever I longed for, will eventually find seeps its way into my life.
Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
Oh oh oh, I'm on fire
